I'm so opposite... (alternatively titled: Getting Healthy!)

I'm really, really bad at naming posts.

By this point in my pregnancy (18 weeks today!), according to my Baby Bump app, I should have gained 12-15 lbs.

::blank stare::

Oh! You obviously mean I should have LOST 12-15 lbs. Right, pregnancy app?

Yeah... I'm not doing so great with that whole gaining weight thing.  Thankfully my midwives aren't concerned. They did establish that my morning sickness isn't so bad that I'm not eating, which its not, then they seemed unconcerned with the fact that my weight keeps creeping down. I'm actually, as of this morning, at my lowest weight since BEFORE I delivered Keevia. I weighed in this morning at 233. I started this pregnancy at 249ish.

Maybe there is something to that whole HCG hormone thing working for weight loss. I know I can't eat the portion sizes that I could before. I can't eat fried food this pregnancy without REALLY regretting it. I'm actually struggling to get my protein, because just like last time, I really have a problem with textures. I can't eat peanut butter or chicken without gagging.

I stated on here before that my Daddy was undergoing some medical tests. They thought that he possibly had Multiple Scelrosis, so he and my Mom went on a modified Hallelujah Diet.This means that they cut out all red meat and pork, most bread and grains, and started eating MUCH more salad and veggies. I eat several times a day at their house when Carl isn't home (and the fact that apparently when I'm pregnant, I can't cook until 20+ weeks), so I started eating this way a LOT.

Also, I've discovered that I have a wheat intolerance. Not a gluten intolerance, but I just can't tolerate wheat. It causes me to be queasy, so I drink more pop (which I don't want to do), and it causes constipation, and a general feeling of ickiness (yes, I made that word up). It's HARD, I'm not going to lie. I've always sworn that I was adopted from a Italian family because I LOVE PASTA. Seriously, it's one of my absolute favorite foods in the whole wide world. And Gluten-Free pasta sucks. That's all there is to it. It's also hard to just grab something fast, because I can't just eat a sandwich. And no cookies, or cake, or anything. For some reason I've convinced myself that chocolate has wheat in it and I always think I can't have it either until I go "oh, duh." and then go on a binge....

But, I've lost several inches of bloat off my waist, as well as feel MUCH better. The nausea which was still plauging me is SO MUCH better that it's almost worth not eating bread and pasta. Almost.

So that's where I am. Eating healthy and losing weight. Who'd have thought? The baby is obviously growing and thriving (although I still can't feel my fundus). We go in two weeks to find out if its a boy or a girl!

"And I'm feeeeling gooooood...."

Does anyone else have a love/hate relationship with that Jennifer Hudson Weight Watchers commercial? Does anyone else watch as much TV as me?

Apparently having your pelvis and your neck realigned make you want to clean your house. I managed to deodorize & vacuum the carpet, as well as clean out (and not just throw away the food, but actually SCRUB) the fridge. I also did the dishes, cooked dinner, and bathed my kid. Day well done, eh?

Still frustrated with my cycles. I didn't exercise today, but I am DETERMINED to do so tomorrow. I missed temping this morning, but this months cycle is so screwy. Day 37ish and no ovulation. Lovely. I don't know if I should just concentrate on dropping the weight and putting procreating on the back burner for a bit... or if I should seek out more testing to make sure that I'm not missing something. They checked my thyroid in April and it was normal. We don't have the best insurance and I don't want to be out a huge amount of money... but I want to be better. I don't want to fall into the whole "using the weight as an excuse" thing, but I want to find out if it really is just the weight that's causing my cycles to be SO freaking long (and for me to apparently not ovulate).

On a happier note.... my child is hilarious. I'm so blessed to be her mother. At 20 months, she has 12 teeth (10 all the way through, her upper molars are still working on it), can identify a scary amount of shapes (thanks apps for the iPhone...), loves books more than anything, will point to any clock and go "Tick-Tock! Tick-Tock!", will identify anything that has anything to do with "The Wiggles" by screaming "WEE WEE" and wiggling her fingers, is very girly and dainty, loves to "cook" in her kitchen, would live outside if I let her, plays constantly with her "door" we got her, wishes Mommy wasn't quite so stuck up about the whole kissing doggies things, loves stealing chairs and iPhones, still loves her "Pah-peeesh" (pacifier) and just has the best personality.

I'm trying to keep perspective through this whole weightloss/conceiving thing. I have an absolutely beautiful daughter. I don't want her to be my only child, but if there's a 3+ year difference between them?  I guess I'm going to have to live with that. And I can, it just means erasing MY plan and settling in for GOD'S plan. Something I'm not always happy doing, but hey, life happens.

Today was a better day. Praying tomorrow is as well. 

Here we go again

I feel like all I'm writing right now is a repeat. I'm just in this constant weight loss struggle. I was doing sooooo well for a while, then I hurt my ankle. The same ankle I broke last year. I didn't want to do ANYTHING to cause me to do that again. So I stopped exercising. I haven't gained any of the 8 lbs I lost back, but I also haven't lost any more of 44-46 lbs I need to lose.

My cycles are still all screwed up, and that's frustrating as well. Why I thought that dropping 8 lbs would magically cause my cycles to straighten up, I don't know. But apparently I did.

I went to the chiropractor today and had my pelvis realigned, along with a vertebrae in my neck, my L1 vertebrae and my ribs. Because yes, my ribs go out of alignment. You have to be awesome like me for that to happen.

My mom told me today that she was concerned about me because I never seem to have an appetite. I beg to differ. When we're out and about on the town, and we're hungry, nothing ever sounds good to me. That's because we have ONE restaurant that I can stand to eat at, and it's rather expensive. I don't like fast food. I mean yes, I like french fries, but everything else? Meh. Not a fan.

I need to try and write less about me, and more about my sweet girl. She is so big, and has such a personality. Maybe a post will come soon.

Stick with me, I'm working on it.

Victory!

I'm taking stock in small victories today.

Less than a month ago I bit the bullet and bought a Wii and a WiiFit. I'd had a discussion with someone who had purchased one in January and (with dieting) had lost 70 lbs by May. I knew I needed SOMETHING to get me in the habit of working out, and I knew it needed to be something I wanted to do. I'd wanted a Wii for a while, so I went ahead and bought it.

In 25 days (I know because it tells me) I have lost 8lbs and 4 inches off of my waist.

I'm flabbergasted. I really think it's a combination of going on Metaformin (Glucophage) for the PCOS and exercising (almost) daily. I've fallen off the exercising bandwagon a little (my back was out), but plan on hopping back on tomorrow.

Best of all? I feel better. I'm happier. I have energy. My clothes are starting to fit again.

I bought a Maxi-dress this past week and thought I actually looked good. I bought a SKIRT. If you know me in real life, you know how huge that is. And the bigger thing? I WORE said skirt all day Saturday (and didn't even have anything to dress up for).

I was reading Blair's blog today, and especially reading in the comments about accepting your body. Someone said something about how they couldn't hate their body because their body gave them their kid. And that rings so true to me. I don't hate my body, but I've been very, very unhappy with it.

I've also decided that I'm not going to set a goal weight. I'm going to set a goal size. I would like to be firmly in size 10/12. I don't want to be smaller than that. I just want to be able to fit into the clothes in my guest closet that are taking up space. I want to start the next pregnancy at a healthy size and a healthy weight and just be HEALTHY. I really don't care if I get to a size 12 and still weigh 200lbs. So be it. If I look better, feel better, and am comfortable with myself, then that will work for me.

But today? Today I'm celebrating that my body isn't a failure. My body CAN lose weight. I CAN tone up. I CAN look decent in a pair of jeans. I may not be willing to shimmy into a swimming suit yet, but I don't make sure the bedroom lights are turned off before changing into my PJS anymore.

P.S. I guest-blogged for a friends at Playdate Crashers today about my miscarriage and Rows for Remembrance. Check it out if you get a chance!

I WILL prevail..

I'm not giving up.

I still haven't lost any weight. The majority of that is my fault, although I think my thighs have gotten BIGGER and I honestly haven't been eating badly.

But I'm still living a sedentary lifestyle.

That's changing. Mom and I have gone walking twice (Y'all? Are these April showers ever going to stop? We would have gone more often but it's raining too much!). I'm not a big fan of walking at our local park. Too many people and too many bugs (it's right beside the river). But, Mom and I discovered that the parking lot of a nearby church (closer than the park!) is exactly .33 miles around. So, if you go around the parking lot three times, you've went a mile.

The first time we walked we only made it around twice (.66 of a mile). But the second time we conquered the mile. We both have fibromyalgia, and while we probably could have pushed it, we can't push it TOO much for we feel horrible the next day.

I own the Zumba DVD sets (thanks parents! Great Christmas present!) but with my hips and back, I have a hard time doing it.

Thanks to a bunch of textbooks, I had a pretty substantial Amazon.com gift card balance.... so last night I splurged and bought the P90 In Home Bootcamp. It's basically a starter program for P90X for people who are too badly out of shape/overweight to do P90X (and it's drastically cheaper).

From the reviews I've read it's perfect for someone who is overweight and out of shape. I hope to start there, do some Zumba for variety (and maybe some Jillian Michaels here or there) and continue walking every day.

I will beat this. I will beat PCOS again. I will beat diabetes (I'm pre-diabetic). I will fight to help my Mom fight (who needs to lose weight as much as me).

I will prevail. I'm not giving up.

A Wiggly Workout

I've discussed before how I find it difficult to work out. I walked a half a mile yesterday! But that's the first time it's been pretty enough to do so, and while I pray we're in spring, I'm not convinced yet!

Walking works well for me because I can either stroll Keevia, have her walk (part way) with me, or wear her. Working out to videos doesn't work as well because she's always in the way, or I don't want to wake her up from a nap, or she wants to be held. However, I think I've found my solution.

Have you ever watched "The Wiggles"? They NEVER. STOP. MOVING. They dance to (almost) every song! And they are my daughters Backstreet Boys. She LOVES them.

So my new workout routine? She watches the Wiggles, I dance with the Wiggles.

HOLY WORKOUT BATMAN! I did one song and could feel it in my arms and legs. Yes, this means I'm horrifically out of shape, but it also means that it's working.


And Keevia is happy!

Struggling

I know it seems silly to write about struggling with weight-loss less than 24 hours after I published my post about it clicking, but it's true. I'm struggling.

I'm struggling because I love food. Not necessicarily love to EAT food, but I love to cook. Love. it. I watch cooking shows (driving my husband crazy I'm sure), I read cook books, the only magazine I receive is a cooking one...Cooking calms me like nothing else can.

Last night I attempted a peanut butter and chocolate bread pudding with caramel sauce. I only ate two bites of it (because it was a fail), but I still made it...without even THINKING about the diet.

Lifestyle changes don't come quickly, I realize that.... but do I have to give up my love of being in the kitchen? Do I just focus on making healthy recipes? But what about baking?

I'm just struggling with putting my passion inline with my needs.

It clicked.

 

Blair spoke a few weeks ago about how her weight loss clicked. I thought that mine had. I was wrong. 

It clicked this weekend. It clicked when I saw this picture. It clicked when I didn't recognize that person in the picture because she's surrounded by fat. I want to love that picture, because it's a wonderful family portrait. But I can't love it. Because I look so different from what I feel in that picture. 

It clicked. 

Right after we snapped that photo, I glanced through the pictures on my viewfinder. I almost audibly gasped . That is what I look like? I thought to myself. That's what people see when they look at me? I don't feel that fat. I feel skinny sometimes... I'm in denial. I managed to hold it together until we got up to the car, and then I just started crying. My wonderful husband was straight with me. Crying won't solve anything. DOING will. 

So I went grocery shopping. I purchased some Lean Cuisine meals for lunches (portion controlled, calorie controlled... not the best I know, but I need structure right now), lots of veggies, and nothing really bad. I'm making out a plan for myself, and the main thing I'm going to do is EXERCISE. 

My food plan is this:

Breakfast Options:

Cereal (portion controlled, healthy cereal. I've never liked sugary cereals). 

Oatmeal & Fruit

Eggs & Fruit

Lunch Options:

Lean Cuisine

Salad (dressed with oil & lemon juice) 

Tuna Sandwich (limited mayo, whole wheat bread only)

PB Sandwich 

Dinner Options:

Child's plate of whatever I fix the hubby (usually a healthy option anyway). 

Snack Options:

Fruit

Nuts

Popcorn

Guacamole & Veggies

PB & Grapes 

I'm allowed 1 cheese serving a day. 

I'm not drinking anything but milk, water, coffee, or juice. 

I'm either Zumbaing, Walking or Shredding every day. 

I'm taking it 24 hours at a time.

I'm purchasing a new water bottle and working up to 120 ounces a day. 

I'm limiting computer use to 1 hour during the day. After the sun goes down I can get on, but when the sun is up and I should be doing other things, it's an hour. 

I know we're trying to get pregnant, but honestly? I may not be able to until I lose some of this weight. Weight and PCOS are not friends. So, even if I DO get pregnant, I'm going to keep up this regime. Because it would be the best for the baby, and for myself. I only gained 24 lbs with Keevia, and then lost it all right after I had her. Then I ballooned up to 249, which is where I am now. So, right now I'm working on getting down to 214. That would be where I was before I got pregnant with Keevs. After that I'll work towards 200lbs (where I was before I miscarried), then 180 (where I was in college). I'd be perfectly happy at 180. 

It clicked today. I'll make it click tomorrow.

24

No, not the TV show.

Blair, at Heir to Blair (who, by the way, is the reason I always do weightloss posts on Monday), discussed how she read an article in a magazine (normally read by menopausal women, just sayin') by Dr. Oz that encouraged people to take their weight loss journeys 24 hours at a time.

Well. Duh.

That point may seem rather obvious, but I to admit, after reading her post, I had an AHA! moment.

Of COURSE you should take it 24 hours at a time. Of COURSE. I've been trying to take it a week at a time, and I've been failing miserably. I do okay on Monday and Tuesday, but by Thursday (at the latest) I'm completely useless.

So this week, I'm taking it day by day. TODAY I will exercise. TODAY I will drink enough water. TODAY I will eat well.

And tomorrow? Tomorrow I'll do the same. But I'll worry about that tomorrow.

Oh, and BA? You should have seen MY "stepping out on Saturday outfit." It makes yours look classy. :)

Achilles Heel

I've discovered what my Achilles heel is, especially when it comes to weightloss.

I suck at exercising.

Now, I could sit here and tell you I don't have time. Or that I don't have the resources, living in the small town that I do.

But I'd be lying.

I have the full Zumba DVD set. I've done one part of it once.

I have numerous other DVDs. I have the 30 Day Shred. I have Netflix access and could use their streaming videos. I have a CardioGlide exercise machine, and a cool bike thing at my Moms.

I don't do any of it.

I do have pain, and that partially keeps me from exercising. Working out with a bum hip can be excruciating.

But it's no excuse. In fact, it should be motivation.

I'm making no other goals, or any other comments, other than to say that this week, I pledge to work out three times. Three times between now and when I post next Monday is not impossible. I can do this.

P.S. I know I said I wouldn't comment anything else, but, um, guys? My pants didn't fit QUITE as tightly this week. And my pudge over my pants wasn't QUITE as big! Score! I haven't stepped on the scales, but they still feel looser!

My current PCOS regime

After having a cyst go explodey last month, I've started researching PCOS treatments again. My all-time favorite is an all natural progesterone cream, and if I have another cyst, I'll start using it again. It makes you CRAZY fertile though, but I think we're ready for kiddo take two.

The main way I'm treating my PCOS is by a change in diet. And ya know what? I've been doing pretty good this week! I even lost a few ounces, which, when all I HAD been doing was gaining, is pretty huge. My clothes are feeling like they might be not QUITE so tight as well... although that may be wishful thinking.

My diet changes are these. I'm either not eating breakfast, or eating a very late breakfast. Yes, I know, supposedly breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but according to Dr. Whitaker, skipping breakfast can help with diabetes. I'm treating my PCOS mainly as insulin resistency. Plus, I'm already high risk for being diabetic... PCOS just adds to that. I'm just attempting to nix it in the butt now (or at the very least, stay away from diabetes for as long as possible). So I'm skipping breakfast. I'm attempting to eat only after 11 am or noon. Sometimes I eat breakfast foods (oatmeal or whole-grain cereal) sometimes I skip straight to lunch food.

At some point during the day, I'm eating a big BIG salad. I use mixed greens (much healthier than iceberg!), broccoli slaw (BEST INVENTION EVER), a boiled egg, spinach, and a UBER tiny amount of ranch (or a simple lemon juice/EVOO dressing). Sometimes I eat this with a sandwich, sometimes by itself.

I eat a normal dinner (I.E. Whatever I fix my hubs) but I'm attempting to eat smaller portions. I think Nutrisystem would be amazing for me, but it isn't anywhere NEAR being in the finances for me. I love that their food is low-glycemic index! I'm attempting SO MUCH to eat as low-glycemic as possible. I honestly think that women with PCOS who have the funds should look into Nutrisystem!

I'm currently taking all my herbs and minerals at night, and then two more things in the morning. My mom (an RN) helped me research some things I was finding on inCYST and with the #PCOS tag on Twitter. After doing some research, my current vitamin regime is thus:

10,000 mgs Vitamin D
250 mg Magnesium (i HIGHLY RECOMMEND this for pregnant peeps. It keeps your swelling, blood pressure and leg cramps down! Its great for non-pregnant people as well!)
1,000 mg Fish oil
500 mg of Choline and Inositol*
500 (I think) mg of African Mango**
Whole Food Prenatal
250 mg Melatonin

* Choline and Inositol is something I discovered from the #PCOS tag on Twitter. It's not a miracle pill, but it helps your body work like it's supposed to, which, for people with PCOS is sometimes a difficult thing to do. It's found naturally in whole grains and things like Tofu.
** This is something that helps regulate your blood sugars, and is recommended by Dr. Oz and Dr. Whitaker. The plus? It's also a natural appetite suppressent.

I don't know if it's pyschological, or if its the Inositol/Choline & African Mango combination, but I have not had the munchies since I began taking these pills. It's magical. I just don't feel the need to eat in the afternoons/evenings like I did before. The only issue I'm having is with eating before bed, but I think that if I move my bedtime back some that'll help. When I eat at 6 and I'm awake until 2... I'm going to get hungry.

My water consumption and my exercise still need to go up. Like, desperately. But it's warming up here. Keevia and I can slowly start getting outside with her, and maybe walking more. I did carry 23+ lbs on my back for about 4 hours this weekend!

So there you go. Weightloss & PCOS. Maybe they can go hand in hand?

Body Image

I have a horrible body image.

Well, no. That's not true. When there are no mirrors around, I feel GREAT in my body. My thighs bug me sometimes, but other than that... I have no issues with my body.

Then I see a mirror, and my whole world crumbles.

When we stay at my in-laws for visits, there is a mirror there that expresses how I feel on a daily basis. This mirror, which hangs above the bathroom sink, can give optical illusions. If you stand JUST RIGHT when turned to the side, it makes you look skinny. When I stand there, looking at myself in the mirror, I realize that how I look there is how I see myself. Then I take a step forward, or a step back, and realize how I really look to everyone else.

Blair said it best today, excuse me while I quote:
"On the flip side, I struggle with not becoming complacent in my body. I want to embrace my curves & accept the hips that could put J. Lo to shame, but I don’t want to use it as an excuse to the let the size in my jeans slowly crawl upwards. & so I struggle to find balance between positive body image but not settling."

That is me to a T. I don't want to be a size six, but I'd love to be a twelve. I don't want to look good in a bikini, but I'd love to be confident enough to wear a bathing suit.

I last weighed in at 246. And to be honest, I don't know what I weigh now. Last weekend we spent 10 hours in the car in 2 days. We ate fast food 2-3 times a day for two days. I tried to make healthier choices, but I failed a little. I had coke (when I had been SO GOOD).

Right now I'm making realistic choices. I don't buy coke or pop for the house. I don't buy it when I'm out. When Carl and I are out together, I'm okay with sharing a coke with him.

I'm still trying to up my water intake, and failing miserably. I KNOW I would feel better if I did.

I'm eating a biiiiiig salad for lunch everyday. I dress the salad with 1 tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil and lemon juice. I'm also starting to do a diabetic(I'm not diabetic but I am insulin resistant) with my mom on a daily basis.

The weather here has been much warmer, and I plan on enjoying it. Walks are in our future.

Small steps. I'm getting there.

My PCOS journey

I blogged a little bit a week or so ago about my PCOS effecting my weight. I thought I'd delve in a little deeper to how PCOS has affected my life, and what I'm doing about it.

I never had really regular periods. I would sometimes go months in between periods. I started being visited by good ole' Aunt Flo when I was around 12-13 years old. By 15, they still hadn't straightened themselves out, so we headed to a gyno. Not uncommon they said, and put me on the pill. Ugh. The pill. Never again. I think I went through about 5 brands and never DID find one that didn't make me A) a horrible, horrible dirty word of a person. B) Have migraines so bad ON THE SAME DAY of my cycle that I couldn't go to school or even move very far out of the bed. or C) Screw up my hormones so badly that I was a basket case. Ultimately I stopped all of them because of the migraines.

Around that same time, I began getting cysts that would "explode". I had confirmed "multiple bilateral cysts" by ultrasound. I had several pelvic ultrasounds by the time I was in college! No luck. The Pill didn't help the cysts very much (not that I could tell, the migraines were too bad) and I was beginning to get miserable.

So. I took it in my own hands. I started watching what I ate more carefully. I desperately wanted to be a mom someday, so I fought for my body. I fought for my ovaries. I watched the carbs. I watched the glycemic index foods. I stayed far, far away from anything that had high fructose corn syrup in it (a contributing factor to PCOS in my humble opinion). I began using an all natural progesterone cream. And I got healthy. My periods evened out.

But I was still having cyst pain. I went in to a new OB/GYN on the suggestion of my family doctor (can I just pause to say how freaking HAPPY I am now that my family doctor got me into this office? One of the best in our area, and because I was an existing patient, I was able to go there when I did get pregnant. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to. SO HAPPY.). I LOVED this woman! She LISTENED to me. After we had tried a few things, she said "Well, what would you like to do?" and I suggested Metformin (glucophage) (which is a diabetes drug). She agreed we'd try it.

Magic. No pain! No cysts!

I'd say I stayed on it for about 6 months to a year? It was great. PCOS is caused by insulin resistancy and the glucophage makes your body recognize and use the insulin it already makes more efficiently.

When I got married, I went off the medicine, because it could have side-effects if I became pregnant. And I did (a few months later). And I miscarried. I became pregnant again two cycles later. It wasn't hard for me, but I hadn't had symptoms in months.

Now I'm 16 months post partum. I didn't start periods back until my daughter was 9 months old, but I was breastfeeding constantly. I'm still breastfeeding now, but we're down to about twice a day. And my periods are all over the place. I've only had about 4 in the past 7 months. The last cycle was 54 days long. And I KNOW I had a cyst. I felt it "form" on January 4th and I felt it burst on February 2nd. I started my period on February 7th.

So that's where I am. My symptoms are back. I cannot seem to lose weight (although it would help if I exercised, I'm sure). I'm at my heaviest ever. I'm trying to eat low-glycemic. I'm going on the cream again, and looking into D-Chiro-Inositol.

I'm currently taking 10,000 mgs of Vitamin D, 400 mg of Magnesium, a whole food Prenatal vitamin, 1000 mg of Fish Oil and 500mg of Green Tea extract. I plan on adding that D-Chiro-Inositol and Chromium to the mix soon. I do not plan on going on any medications to ovulate... we don't have the money, and I would rather do it as naturally as possible. I'm also not looking to get pregnant until I get this somewhat under control. I don't want to risk another miscarriage if at all possible.

So. That's where I am right now. I did it once, I can do it again.

Fear of failure or success?

Blair, from Heir to Blair, raised some excellent points in her McFatty Monday post today. It wasn't the traditional post, which I like. I love how she changes it up, and forces us all to really THINK about stuff.

I honestly don't know if I've lost anything or not. I don't believe that I have. Nothing is fitting better. I didn't do horrible this week, but again, I didn't do great. I went pop-free for numerous days, but caved on the weekend.

I'm currently working portion sizes. I have a bunch of those kids plates (You know? The ones with different characters on them?) and that's what I am eating my dinner off of every night. It's a smaller plate, so it forces me to eat smaller portion sizes. My goal is to eat a small plate of dinner every night, a bowl of cereal or oatmeal every morning, and veggies & dip or veggies & hummus (plus a small sandwhich or something of the like if I'm VERY hungry). Fruit or yogurt for an afternoon snack. Milk, juice and water for drinks. I'm not denying myself something if I crave it, I'm just modifying what I eat. Like... if I want a chocolate cupcake or something, I eat a piece of Dove dark chocolate. If I still want a cupcake? I wait a while and have another piece. I'm getting my chocolate fix in a 'better' way. If I want potato chips? I either get out about 5-10 chips or I fix some popcorn and use extra salt on it. It works fairly well.

I'm trying not to make excuses for myself, because I feel like that is how I got to the weight I am. Ignoring the situation and making excuses for myself. However, this was a hard week for me, and I'm wondering if my situation may have to do with me feeling so bloated STILL.

I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and have had it since I was oh, about 15. I have painful cysts with it that "burst" and cause, well, quite a bit of pain. It also throws my cycles into disarray. I haven't dealt with cysts in about three years, and I honestly didn't remember how my body processed them. On January 4th, I thought I might be getting a cyst... and I was right. I hadn't had a period since Dec. 12th. This past Wednesday I felt my cyst "explode". I've been in pain, running a low grade fever, and feeling like a balloon since that point. I had the most hormonal, emotional weekend I have had in...well, since I was pregnant with Keevia. I literally could not deal with my emotions. I had zero patience (even with my daughter). I cried over EVERYTHING and nothing at the same time. I was pissed off for no reason whatsoever. I was just miserable, with nothing MAKING me miserable. It. Was. Awful.

But!!!! I started my period today!!! Maybe my hormones will even out!!! I know that having PCOS makes it harder for me to lose weight, but I don't want to hang out on that assumption. I don't want to go "Oh, I have PCOS, I can't lose weight" and never fight. I want to FIGHT IT.

I'm afraid too... and I don't know what I'm afraid of. Afraid of change? For whatever reason, exercising is the most difficult part of weightloss for me. I struggle with willpower too, but exercise is really my Achilles hill. I sit around and THINK about it a lot, but I never actually DO it. I know I'm afraid of hurting myself. Not the aching muscles and the like, but of pulling something, or knocking a hip or my back out (don't laugh, it's happened), and not being able to take care of Keevia. I'm afraid of hurting my ankle that I cracked back in July. I'm afraid of a lot of things.

But mostly I'm afraid of staying this way. I'm afraid of looking at pictures of myself for the next whoknowshowlong and HATING myself in the pictures. Hating my double chin. Hating my arms. I have a gorgeous daughter. I want to be in pictures with her and not hate how I look.

I'm afraid of passing my bad eating habits on to my daughter. I'm afraid of passing my lazy habits on to her to. Unless she gets her Aunt Steph's metabolism, she is going to struggle with weight, and I hate that for her. But maybe if I instill this stuff early, it'll stick.

Although I'm afraid for myself, I'm more afraid for her... and I think that that is going to win out.

Willpower FAIL

Epic. Epic fail.

I had done so well today! I made Breakfast Pizzas, light on the cheese. I had a yogurt before going to down. I'd had 1 water bottle.

On the way home from town, I wanted to stop and get a mocha frappe from McDonalds. Which, by itself, wasn't the best idea. Then I found myself ordering a small french fry and a 10 piece chicken nugget.

Willpower FAIL. On all accounts. Ugh.

So now I'm feeling yucky, and so guilty. Ugh.

Tomorrow's a better day. We'll be going out for most of it (and it's so hard to eat well in town!), but I'm going to make smarter choices. I will.

My friend Tammy made a new years resolution last year to only eat fast food if they went IN the restaurant. They could get drinks at the drive-thru, but no food. I honestly think this is something I'm going to adopt. Because this is ridiculous.

And I'm still determined to get my water intake up today. 17 ounces so far. I found an awesome app on my iPod touch called "Waterlogged" that'll let me keep up with how many ounces I've had. AWESOME! This will really help, I think, I hope, I pray.

1. 2. 3. GO!

McFatty Monday - More Water, Less Carb

So. I didn't do so great this week.

I didn't do horrible. I don't think I gained (I forgot to weigh myself last week). I weighed in at 246 this morning.

246.

Two HUNDRED and FORTY SIX pounds.

Egads.

I need to lose 46 lbs. Well, no, actually I need to lose 66 lbs. But I'd be happy with 46.

If I lost 32 lbs, I'd be back to my pre-pregnancy weight.

If I lost 46 lbs, I'd be back to my pre-miscarriage weight.

If I lost 56 lbs, I'd be back to my college weight.

If I lost 66 lbs, I'd be back to high school weight.

Right now, I'd be happy with anything. I'm miserable. Not even my fat pants fit. It has to come off.

I did good with the no coke thing this week! That was a point in my favor! I didn't buy any, and I only had about 4 in the whole week. (Okay, I probably had more than that on Saturday, but... um...I don't know how many I had then.).

I did not, however, do well with the water. I'm determined to start drinking 10 16oz water bottles a day (refilled from my Brita filter thingy).

I'm cutting back to 1 carb a day. I know this won't be realistic everyday.... but if I make a conscious effort, it'll get better. My plan is this: If I plan on making pasta for dinner, I have to eat an omelette for breakfast (or yogurt, or something like that. You get the picture), and a salad for lunch. If I eat French toast for breakfast, then I have a salad for lunch, and abstain from biscuits or potatoes at dinner. Get the idea?

Now, if we start getting our own wheat berries and grinding our own flour, I may make an exception to have that once a day in addition to another carb. Don't laugh, we're considering it.

My exercise? Non existent. My hip is out which makes it hard to walk, let alone exercise. I'm getting that fixed soon.

So, my resolutions for this week.

- Keep the Coke count low. Only buy one when out and you don't have water with you. Try to cut down to 2 this week (I'm weaning myself slowly, I'm not strong enough to go cold turkey.)
- Drink water. Till my eyeballs are swimming. 10 bottles a day.
- Try and eat only 1 carb a day. I can do it!
- Get my hip feeling better and at least go on a walk with Keevia in the Ergo or Beco. Hey, carrying 22 extra pounds around a track HAS to burn my calories, right?

And... GO!

McFatty Monday -- back at it again!

I'm so excited that Blair, from Heir to Blair is bringing back the McFatty! I loved this link-up!

So. I'm fat. No, really. I am. Heaviest I've ever been. Ever. Including while pregnant. And I hate it. Like, hate it so bad it makes me want to cry. I'm trying to change it.

What am I doing this week?
- Cutting out pop. I was good, I resisted when Mom asked if I wanted her to buy a 24 pack. We have NO COKE in our house, or at Mom's house, and I shouldn't have to leave the house again and enter into temptation until Friday.
- Drinking more water. Like, a LOT more water. You're supposed to take your body weight, divide it in half, and then consume that many ounces per day. I need to consume 120 ounces. HOLY SHIZ.
- In general eat healthier. My main goal is to vastly limit sweets and to eat a super healthy lunch (salad or veggies).
- Exercise at least once, ideally twice. I'd love to do one round of yoga and one round of Zumba this week.

So lets see if I can make it happen. I'd love to start up my exercise posts. I NEED to start them up so I'll start exercising. I got out of the shower on Saturday and stood there, examining myself and my fat in the mirror, and I was so disgusted and so upset with myself. I don't want to be a size 5. I just want to be healthy.

And I will be. I will make it. I will.

*blank stare*

A post. Right.

Hi *waves*

My house was clean yesterday. Or maybe day before yesterday. I don't remember. I steam-cleaned the kitchen floors, Carl cleaned the living room and our bedroom. I did lots of laundry. We ignored the guest bedroom. It was really spotless!

Then I cooked two meals, and now my kitchen isn't so clean.

I, apparently, judge the cleanliness of my house by the state of my kitchen. I know I have a hard time going to bed if its dirty.

I've decided to start trying to freelance again. I had a very positive, successful experience with it about this time last year. Then I quit because of the baby... but now I'm thinking I could do it again. She goes down for a pretty long nap, and goes down consistently at night. Which she wasn't doing the last time I tried.

I'm planning on starting a weekly 'check-in'. I HAVE GOT to lose weight. I want another baby, and I don't want to be 244 lbs getting pregnant. Instead of freaking out about dieting and crunching numbers, I'm going to make it all about exercise. Positive thoughts people.

That's about all, folks. Oh! I'm going to guest blog somewhere. How exciting is THAT? I'm pretty pumped! I'd love to get this little piece of space a little more notoriety... as well as just write.

Mmk. Going to go crawl in bed with my bedhog soon. Seriously, how does one 14 month old take up 3/4 of a QUEEN SIZE bed?

Mcfatty

(FIRST: This is my 200th post, 200th POST! Can you believe it? I surely cannot).

I'm fat.

Nuff said.

I was trying to fix that, and then I fell off the bandwagon, and went up to..

234

Yikes. That pains me to just write that.

But, I'm back on the bandwagon.

I'm eating a good breakfast, a lean cusine lunch, and a healthy dinner.

I've cut out pop (again).

I'm drinking more water.

I'm walking on a regular basis.

I'm not eating sweets (I am, however, eating a teaspoon of Nutella when I have a sweet craving. It's working wonders).

I'm doing this. I WILL WEIGH 180 BY JANUARY 1st 2011!!!

And, this blog, is going to keep me accountable.

I apologize..

for this blog becoming a lot about weight loss and a little about Keevia... but in reality, I need to get this stuff off my chest, and I'm sure she would understand.

She's currently snoozing in her swing... she likes the swing we got for free from someone at our old church. She despises the swing I paid $50 for at a yard sale that was cute and soft and played music and had lights and swinging bears... So, alas, she sleeps in this one and we're going to re-sale the other one.

I made it all evening without any milk, and so far, except for the milk in my coffee, I haven't had any today. I'm not being SUPER strict about it... I'm just trying to cut the huge amounts of milk I consumed down. I'm not reading the labels of everything I eat, ransacking it for the many disguises of milk though. I already do that with high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oils... honestly, I want to be able to eat SOME pre-made food (although as a family we try to avoid anything overly processed. I meant like graham crackers).

I DID work out today!!! I feel it to. I tried not to over do it, but woah, the muscles in my back are complaining a little. My Mom purchased a machine called the "NeoShaper" and it's pretty cool You can do a variety of different exercises on it by just moving things around. She also purchased the bike attachment, which we have yet to try out. When I come home on weekends I would love to use it, and then use 30 Day Shred at my apartment. In all honesty, I would love for the Mommy Fairy to get me a Wii Fit as well, but I pay the bills and I know THAT ain't happening.

Carl has been getting stellar hours this week though... He worked from 4am-3pm with an hours lunch both on Monday and Wednesday. Of course he only worked 1 day last week for 4 hours though, so it doesn't really make up much. But.. We'll make it.

My weight is laying on my heart so heavily (no pun intended). I've never been as uncomfortable about my appearance before in my life. I've never hated having my picture taken quite like I do right now.

I'm taking actions to rectify the situation though. And slowly, but surely, I'll get there.