The Dilemma of the SAHM

I've found something out about our culture that really bothers me.

Whenever I go places with my husband, and see people we haven't seen in a while, I get asked the same question.

"Are you working anywhere?"

Right now I answer:

"I'm freelancing right now, but I'm about to start subbing at a local school."

The response? EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

"OH!!! That's wonderful! I'm glad you're finally starting to work!"

I don't want to work. I don't want to leave my 15 month old at home with my Mom. I don't have ambitions beyond raising my children and keeping my house. Does this make me a bad person? No! I don't belittle the mothers who DO have ambitions. I don't hate on the moms that DO work full time or part time... this is NOT a "I'm superior because I stay at home with my kids" post.

I just think that it is so sad that our society thinks that a mom HAS to work. For the Moms that want to? Great! But for those of us who WANT to stay home. Who realize what a full time job it is. Who want to home-school our kids. Who HAD children so we could cram in as much time with them as possible? It's demeaning. It makes us feel like we aren't worth anything to society when A) We aren't working or B) We don't WANT to work.

It's not that I want to sit on my rear-end all day and watch soap operas. On the contrary. I want to write. I want to craft with my daughter. I want to be able to take her to the lake and show her the ducks on a Tuesday. I want to be able to take off with my Mom to Lexington whenever I want. I want to be able to have dinner on the table as an act of love and not an act of responsibility when my husband gets home work from. I want to be able to cuddle a sick baby all day. I want to be home.

Yet society dictates that I need to work. It dictates that I'm not being fruitful unless I hold down a job of some sort. And that irks me. It bothers me. Frankly, it pisses me off.

Financially, I DO need to work right now. And I'm okay with it. Not happy about it, but okay with it. I'll manage. But I'd rather stay home, and I would love that, in the future, if I were to answer the question with:

"No, I'm not planning on working anywhere right now. I'm just staying home with the kids"

That I would still get the same enthusiastic response.

Woo!

This has been a rough week. Trying to freelance with a 15 month old is not recommended.

We're chilling out at the Nudder Mamaw's tonight, and possibly going to Keevia's Great-Great Grandma's birthday party tomorrow (how many people can say THAT?).

I have some awesome posts coming up for you, you know, once I have a chance to breathe.

- Recession Proof Your Pantry
- D-I-V-O-R-C-E
- The Dilemma of the SAHM
- "Relaxed" Parenting

That's just a preview!

Baby Carrier Review: Beco Butterfly VS. Ergo Original

First, let me start off by saying that I am not being endorsed by either carrier. I have purchased both an Ergo Original Carrier (in Galaxy if you must know) and a Beco Butterfly 1 carrier (I don't know the pattern name) with my own money. These are just my opinions, from my experiences with the carriers. No gain of any part is resting on this post! There, now the Government can't get their undergarments in a twist.

I am an avid babywearer. Although I didn't/don't wear Keevia around the house all that much, they have been invaluable throughout my entire almost (*gulp*) 15 months as a mother. I've probably invested more in baby carriers than I have anything else baby wise (except maybe clothes).

Around last March, I purchased my first soft-structured carrier. I had previously used Mei Tei carriers, as well as some pouch slings (I didn't discover wraps until later!). Keevia was getting just a little to big for her MT (Mei Tei) and I was looking for options my husband could use as well.

I have to admit, when I first bought the Ergo, I wasn't crazy about it. I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that Keevs was at an awkward size. She didn't really "fit" in there. Plus, I totally wasn't wearing it right.

This led me to purchase the Beco Butterfly 1. I bought it off of the FSOT (For Sale or Trade) board of The Baby Wearer. Initially I LOVED it.

As Keevia got older (and fit in the Ergo better) I began to love the Ergo more. I used it today for a few hours and had no issues. I seem to do better with the Ergo as a back carrier though, and still haven't managed to get a really comfortable front carry. I, personally, prefer the Beco to the Ergo, but it is NOT because one carrier is superior to the other. I know several Mommas who prefer the Ergo. I think a lot of it has to do with your body shape and size, where your personal ergonomic carry position is (I.E. Where it is most comfortable for YOU to wear your baby), and other reasons as well.

Here is my little list of differences between the carriers. I'm sure you can find this on various websites, but hey, this is my blog.

Both have a padded waist.
Both have padded straps. (My opinion: The Ergo's padding is too thick. It doesn't seem to be any more comfortable than the Beco, but it sticks up much farther and is in some instances uncomfortable because of how thick it is (especially in a front carry, it digs into my arms in the back).
Both have sleep hoods. (Ergo is superior here! They have a sleep hood that easily snaps into place, and folds into a pocket in the front when not in use. The Becos is detachable, which is actually quite annoying. I've lost mine. The Ergo's is great because if Keevia falls asleep, I just pull it out of the pocket, snap it on, and viola! It's GREAT for nursing and for sleeping babes in general!)
Beco has a infant insert. Ergo has one available for purchase. (My insert is not removable. I'm told they are in the Butterfly 2's). I can't really review this part, as Keevia was 5 or so months when I got both.
Beco has an internal harness. Ergo does not. (Okay, originally this was a point in Beco's favor... and it still is. I can sit Keevia on the front seat of the car and strap her in the carrier and then swing her up on my back like a back-pack. It scares other people in the parking lot to death, but hey, it works. However, it's harder to get her out of the carrier on my own if I can't sit down somewhere. The Ergo does NOT have the internal harness, and so you can't swing the baby on like a back-pack (Well, you could, but it may not be safe). I end up doing the hip scoot, which is hard to do and keep your clothes (and your modesty!) intact. However, it's much easier to finagle the kiddo out of by yourself (which, when the kid is screaming in the middle of wal-mart, is important).
It is incredibly easy to nurse in the Ergo. Not so much the Beco. (That handy internal harness gets in the way of nursing.)
The Beco is smooth lined and not bulky at all, but remains comfortable and well padded.
The Ergo is bulkier and not as streamlined. Still comfortable and well padded, the padding sometimes gets in the way. (Personally I think the waist is way over padded. It actually borders on uncomfortable when I wear Keevia in the front).
Both are easy to adjust.
The Beco is harder to get the baby down in (I.E. It doesn't go as far up their backs if you're not careful. It's a "shorter" carrier). The Ergo seems to go farther up their backs and hold them in tighter. This is both a pro and a con depending on the situation.)

This is all I can think of right now. If I think of more things, I'll come back and edit this post. All in all, I think the most important thing is to TRY the carrier before you use it. Heavenly Hold has an AWESOME carrier trial program, and I'm told the owner is great to work with! I would loooooove to try a Beco Gemini, A Boba carrier, a Beco Butterfly 2 and an Ergo Performance (even though I don't have the budget to buy a new carrier right now!), and I'll definitely be looking into her trials in the future.

I ended up not selling either carrier, and I can't really complain. I have one for the car, and one for work now (Look for my upcoming guest post on Playdate Crashers for my work-at-home saga). It's great to just be able to flip her up on my back and go! Just thought I'd jot down my ideas on the two carriers, and give people a little bit of a review and a comparison!

In review? I love them both. :)

Edited to add - 7/15/11
Since writing this, I've purchased a Boba carrier (thanks Zulily!)! You can see my review of it here! P.S. It's my favorite! 

Working Mama

I'm currently attempting to dust off my cobwebby fingers and begin freelancing again. I need a different way (other than quilting with my Momma) to bring in money to supplement our income. As blessed as I am to have the job with Mom, if we don't have more orders coming in soon, I'm going to be screwed. So. Different route for income.

I've began submitting proposals for different jobs, and I'm looking into subbing at my alma mater (blech.). It's not something I really look FORWARD to, but hey, it's a paycheck.

We'll see. Right now I'm in the very unfortunate situation of being the waiting duck. So I'm waiting. And quilting tomorrow.

But hey, I need to put that college diploma to use somehow, right?

Not enough

I've been feeling like I'm not enough a lot recently. Like I don't do enough, say enough, talk enough, blog enough.

My house isn't clean enough. We moved in around a month ago, and it's still not all unpacked and organized. I still have stuff in Mom's house to get. I hate that my house is "junky". It really bugs me, but I don't have enough time or energy to work on it. There is always a pile of dishes in the sink, or a dirty stove, or laundry to be done. I never get caught up. I'm still fighting the battle of laundry that was from our apartment that has to be washed before its stored because of the mold/bird stuff. There was about 12 loads of that, on top of our normal weekly loads. I've done around 6 loads some days, and I'm STILL not caught up.

I don't work enough. I didn't work at all this week. I spent the entire week trying to organize my house, and you can't really tell a difference. I should have been working more, but when I work, I feel like I neglect my house, and my duties as a wife.

I don't blog enough. Not just saying this for the 20ish people I have that read my blog occasionally. I don't blog enough for ME. I don't write out what I'm thinking and feeling enough. I need to write more about Keevia. I'm not keeping a baby book, this IS my baby book, and I want to write down more about her. Even if its just small little 6 line blogs. I NEED to do that more.

The one place where I do feel like I'm enough is with Keevia. I have her all day, every day. But sometimes that gets to be too much. Then I feel like a bad mom because all I want her to do is take a blessed nap so I can go pee. Blair was talking the other day about times when you just don't want to be there. For her, it's not always the bad times... for me, it's night time. When Keevia is fighting sleep, and I sometimes wish I believed in cry-it-out, or I wish that someone other than me could get her to sleep (without her screaming), so that I could just go crawl in the shower. Or when she wakes up at 7 in the morning and is wide awake, and ALL I want is another hour of sleep. Sometimes I wish I could just call someone and have them come get her.

But then, I open my eyes, and she smiles at me. And those feelings go away. They don't always go away at night... but she does go to sleep eventually, and even though I'm usually to tired to crawl in the shower, I do usually veg for a few minutes.

I always wanted to be a Mom, and I truly love every minute, even when I'm tired or I'm frustrated. And I always remember how much pain it took me to be a Mom. I'm not someone who got knocked up in high school as a mistake... I lost a baby, and now I have a baby in my arms, not every Momma has that. I try to keep things in perspective.

We have a good friend coming over to spend the weekend today... and all I can think about is will my house be enough? Will we get it clean enough? Uncluttered enough? Will the bed be good enough?

When will I be enough?