Monday, November 9, 2009

I love being a mommy

Seriously. Best job in the world.

I'm sitting here right now, watching her sleep. We spent the night together in bed, because she just wanted to nibble-nurse, and I was too sleepy to move her to her baby bed (an Arms-Reach co-sleeper). We got up around 8 am, and she has nursed THREE TIMES since then. I think she's making up for just nibbling last night.

I love it. I especially love nursing. It's the best feeling in the entire world to gaze down at her, knowing I am giving her everything she needs. I love that she comfort-nurses to sleep (although she'll go to sleep for Daddy with a paci, me, not so much. She smells the boob).

I love that she calms when she comes to me. I love that she follows my voice. I love that I could watch her make her cute faces for hours on end.

I don't like that I almost hyperventilate every night when its time for bed, because of COURSE if she were to get hurt, it would be at night when I'm not anally watching her every 2 seconds. I wake up in a panic and lean over to the co-sleeper to make sure she's breathing, or I startle awake and check her in my arms. It's crazy. It's paranoia.

I am so eternally grateful to my husband for giving me the most perfect child. She's gorgeous, she's wonderful, she's a genius, and she's ours. No one's going to come pick her up, we never have to give her back to her parents, we ARE her parents. That's scary as hell, but its the best feeling in the world.

In some ways I feel like I should be doing more to help us out financially. I haven't had a paycheck since May, and have only quilted sporadically. However, if I worked outside the home, I couldn't do my most important job -- being Mommy.

I don't like our living situation right now -- but we're there for a reason. I am so, so, SO thankful for Carl's job, and the ability to move up in the company. Before, we didn't have that option. It's a GOOD job. Our finances are super, super tight... but we'll make it. Hopefully in a few months, he'll be able to pick up more hours, and eventually go full-time. I couldn't be prouder, or happier for him right now. I just wish we lived closer to his job (he has to commute 30ish minutes).

I can't wait to have a house to decorate for the holidays instead of trying to make a 2 room apartment festive... but the simple fact that I have a daughter for these holidays is the perfect decoration. I couldn't care about anything else.

I love my daughter, and I love that I finally get to be a Mommy.

1 comment:

  1. Two thumbs up for the arm's reach cosleeper!!!

    Totally can't wait until I can use mine again. I think I almost cried when I moved Conner out of it. (he was five months old fyi lol)

    Funny kind of story. When Casey was home for 15 days right after Conner was born I'd nurse (practically asleep) pass Conner off and Casey would put him back to bed. Sometimes I would dream he was still next to me and it was so real I could "feel" myself holding him and I'd start waking up and not feel him and panic until I opened my eyes and saw he was in his cosleeper. lol. The first few times I did fall asleep and forget he was still in bed with us I freaked out when I woke up. I was such a mess. I stopped worrying about it though b/c I realized that if I was erring on the side of thinking he was there when he wasn't that I was probably okay. And after I moved him out of his cosleeper he wouldn't sleep in his crib. Crying it out was a disaster and he just ended up in bed with us anyway. lol.


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