Sunday, November 30, 2008

Is it over yet?

Wow. Debilitating cramps suck. I have had cramps this bad only once before, and that was back in May, for no reason whatsoever.

My uterus, or bladder one, is randomly spasming. I'm hoping this is a sign that I'll be finished soon.

This is so, so much harder emotionally than I thought it would be. I want it to be over, but then again I don't.

I want to go to bed and sleep, just sleep the pain away. But, I have a paper due... and I haven't started typing it yet. 1,000 words of BS coming right up.

I'm going to go check my pad, then try and get started on that.


I believe its beginning. The cramping is intense... not the worst period I've ever had... but close. The spotting has turned red, and its pretty constant now. Funny how you sometimes get what you ask for. I asked to start miscarrying today, so that I would hopefully be done by performance time (tuesday).

I actually made it through the majority of the rehearsal. I couldn't do the last three scenes. The cramping was getting super intense, and I was beginning to feel week and dizzy. So, I sat. Sandra D was a gem, and told me to just go on home... I didn't want to do that because of risk of hemorrhage and being by myself.

I'm pretty emotional, but the majority of the tears I've been shedding have been pain tears. I'm scared of whats to come. I'm scared of being on my own and miscarrying...and having to deal with it. I'm even more scared of being not in my apartment. I don't know what I want to do when it does pass. It seems a little silly to bury it... but it seems even worse to merely flush it. It's a baby. A tiny, tiny human being. It deserves more respect than that.

I need to sleep, yet I'm not sleepy. I'm so crampy that I don't want to think about sleeping...We have lunch at one, then on the stage at two, and we're supposed to do costume changes... my pants are still wet. I'm also not quite sure what I'm going to be wearing for the second set. Might want to get on that.

Bed, bed... I think I'm going to bed.

Saturday, November 29, 2008


Ugh. I feel gross and disgusting and I just want to go back to bed. My insomnia, which was gloriously gone when I was pregnant, has returned hardcore. Maybe it's the depression that accompanies the miscarriage, or maybe it's just the stress of going back to school. I don't know.

Right now, due to weather and stress, my fibromyalgia is killing me. The only good thing that has come from this miscarriage is the ability to take my muscle relaxers and ibuprofen again. The muscle relaxers I take are skeletal muscles only, so their not the kind that weird you out or cause addictions... they just make you feel like you're going to survive.

Fully caffeinated coffee is also a big plus.... but I would give up both to have baby back.

Mom told me today to continue taking my mucho expensive prenatal vitamins - in case I get pregnant again, and also just for good health. I'm not looking forward to the first one, but I know she's right.

I'm considering, when this miscarriage is over and done with, trying to completely cut out pop. I know I would be healthier, and then indulging in my cuppa wouldn't be that big of a deal.

I am sooooo not looking forward to Feast rehearsal this evening. Nor all day tomorrow. My left knee is having severe nerve pain. It seems like everything in my body has simply fallen apart since Monday, and I don't blame it.

Homework to be completed before December 12:
Book Report of "Still Bored in a Culture of Entertainment" due Monday
4 Forums
2 Movie Reviews ("The Mission" and "End of the Spear")
1 paper on the History of the Missionary Movement
3 Finals

Homework completed on Thanksgiving Break:
-Watched "The Mission" determined that re-watching "End of the Spear" would not be good for my mental state
- Wrote paper for Internship
- Wrote daily journal for Internship

Yeah, miscarriage caused a lot of homework to get pushed aside. I had planned on having everything completed. You see how well THAT worked.

Maybe a shower will make me feel better... then I get to pack and try to Ashland, then back to Grayson, then rehearsal. Whoopee.


I do not want to go back to school. Period. End of story.

It's not that I don't want to go back ever, I just don't want to go back this semester. I have so much homework that needs to be done... and I have absolutely no motivation to do it. I have found myself just wanting to sit and read...or sit and watch tv. In fact... I don't even want to read. And that in itself shows a lot.

I still have miscarried. I've been spotting, but not having "the worst period of your life, where you'll have to change your pad every hour." In fact, I've barely been spotting at all. As much as I want this over and done with... I don't want to lose my baby. I know I've already LOST my baby... but... it's hard to explain.

I'm supposed to call the doctors office on Monday to let them know if I've miscarried or not. If not, they are going to schedule a D&C. Problem: I still have 2 weeks of school, which includes a week of feast. I have reached my maximum absences in 2 classes because of the pregnancy and the back injury I suffered at the beginning of the pregnancy. According to Blair from The Heir to Blair, D&C's suck, and are very, very painful. After reading her description of them, I never, ever, want to have one. However... I also don't want to do something to screw up my chances of getting pregnant again. This baby was a shock - I thought I would have a horrible time conceiving. I don't want to encourage my PCOS into stepping back into the light.

I'm scared. I'm scared I won't be able to get everything accomplished that must be accomplished. I'm worried that I'm going to fail a class. I'm worried that I won't be able to get pregnant again.

Thanksgiving was one of the hardest things I've ever done... and it wasn't even until we had LEFT Carl's families that it got hard. I had a wonderful time with his family. No one mentioned the miscarriage... which I didn't like. I talked about it. It was such a big event in my life that I felt the need to discuss it, to talk about it... to share it. It seemed to make his mother uncomfortable, but thankfully, his sister could talk about it more freely. But when we were in the car on the way home... I started thinking about next thanksgiving... and how we wouldn't have the baby that I had imagined. How we'd be showing up with empty arms, when Carl's sister would have three little boys. It ripped my heart in two to think about it. I PRAY I'm pregnant next Thanksgiving. We have to plan it I'm not delivering during the semester. We'll have to see.

I'm scared to go back to school, because I'm scared of talking to people. We told waaaaaaaaaaaaay more people than I wanted too, but it just leaked out. Next time, no one knows until we pass twelve weeks. Period. Exclamation mark.

I should be in bed, I have a busy day tomorrow. I think I'll drink my wine, and try to sleep.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Life's not fair

I have never felt a bigger hole in my heart. In all the breakups I've had in my life. In all the deaths, this little peanut has caused the largest hole, the largest void. I am miserable, and yet there is no plausible end to the misery. It seems that everyone around me is pregnant now, and where before I felt a sense of sisterhood with them, I now feel pain.

"There's the baby" Then a long pause, "But, unfortunately, there's no heartbeat. I'm so sorry." I didn't realize that that one sentence would completely alter the course of my life. I'm a mom now, I just don't have a little person to hold in my arms.

You leave the doctor's office completely empty handed. That needs to be fixed. You need something, ANYTHING to walk out with that would allow you not feel so lost, so without hope. I used to make baby booties for premature babies... now I'm considering making miniature baby blankets for the mothers of miscarried babies. Some tangible that we can hold on to.

On the "mybump" pregnancy board, a woman spoke about burying her 13w baby. I don't think thats necessarily for me... but, I don't know. I'm looking for a necklace charm to add to my necklace. I already wear it in remembrance of Carl's uncle Butch (it was his Christmas present to me last year). I also am considering a tattoo, although I would probably wait until the 6 month anniversary to get it, and not be rash. Funny, six months from now I would have been 1 month from delivery.

I don't know what to do with myself. I have this week off from school for Thanksgiving, which is a complete blessing, otherwise I doubt I'd be functioning. But I have so much homework due, and I've managed to read one chapter. This weekend I was to worried about the appointment to do anything, and now I'm too depressed. I'm considering emailing my teacher and asking what I have to get done to pass the class. Me, the perfectionist when it comes to assignments, is to that point. Past that point actually.

I have Feast of Christmas next week, starting on Saturday evening actually. I pray, upon all prayers, that it will be a healing experience. So many people knew I was pregnant, and I dread the pity we'll receive from them. I didn't want to tell anyone until I was 12 weeks, until I'd hit that magic number, but we were so just leaked out.

I want to go ahead and miscarry and get it over with, but then I don't... It scares me that I'm about to lose the little person whom I loved so dearly for such a short amount of time. I pray that it was quick and painless, that her heart just stopped beating and it was peaceful. I pray she felt no pain. I know it's not my fault, yet I feel like my body is the biggest traitor of all time. I feel like punishing it, yet I know this is highly unhealthy. I plan on trying to work out, trying to get some of my pain and frustration out that way.

Maybe I'll start writing again, something I haven't done hardly any of in years. Yet, it feels good to write this. I know it's healing, and I pray for that healing.

Where do we go from here? Do we try again? Do we wait? I want to start right now, yet, I'm worried that this will happen again and I am totally unsure of how I would take that. I yearn for a baby, I yearn for a bundle in my arms. I yearn.

Being a pregnant person in college is very, very difficult. More difficult than words can express. This has also been one of the hardest semesters I've ever tackled. I only have two more to go. Do we wait until I'm done in December of 09? Do we wait until he's done in May of 2011? Can I wait that long? I know the answer to that - No, I cannot.

Where do we go from here?

Sunday, November 16, 2008


Dear Baby,

Your mother is a procrastinator. You will learn this very, very soon in life! Unfortunately, you HELP momma BE a procrastinator! There are so many interesting baby things for mommy to look up online that her homework gets pushed aside! And a lot of that homework is very, very due!

I have found my stroller however, and I want to order it soon!! Actually, as soon as I have my first ultrasound (It's only a week away! I can not WAIT to see you for the first time!!) I plan on trying to scrape together the money to buy it. It's on sale for $119.00. This is pretty cheap for a full size stroller!

Ah, there it is. That's the color's Mommy plans on doing your nursery in! Unless it turns out that there are two of you in my belly, I don't plan on finding out if you're a boy or a girl. I think those colors will work well with either, I can just add blue or pink!

We have a crib for my baby, but we need to buy a porta crib. This is what will be beside our bed, and what would travel with us when we go to either set of Grandparents. I really didn't like the one that Jen had when we babysat Rosie, because it sank down in the middle (the bassinet part). So, Mom and I did a walk through Babies R' Us and felt of every single play-yard. I really don't like the color of this one, but it was the cheapest, yet sturdiest one!

It costs $159 at Babies R Us and I can't even find it on Amazon! There are other choices, by Chicco. I don't like any of the colors of it either!

We've decided to buy a convertible car seat to try and save as much money as possible. I'm still up in arms about which one we should get. Oh well.

I've procrastinated enough. On to a movie review, and then a book review!