Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Drama, drama, DRAMA.

We've had a super fun two days at our house.

Lots of tears have been shed, cuss words have been muttered under our breath, and eye rolling has taken place.

For the sake of my sanity, I'm not going into it... but it was bad.

Keevia is fine. Carl and I are fine. All of our family is fine. It's just a friend who went off the deep end.

Still, there were kids involved, and its driven me CRAZY. It still drives me crazy. It's all I can think of.

Please, when you say your prayers, pray for C & E. God knows who they are.

I'll be back soon, I need to process and calm down before y'all get to read a 12 page rant on the justice system, child protective people, and just idiots in general.

That is all.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Matters of the Heart

There are a lot of things that weigh my heart down these days. There are even more that lift it up.

Last night, Carl asked me to watch a movie with him. It being Fathers day and all, I thought I should oblige, and I asked what he wanted to watch. He said he wanted to watch "Facing the Giants", which we had bought at a yardsale for like, $1. I said okay, I hadn't seen it yet. He warned me that it was corny, but good.




Cry-fest 2010. I think I cried like 20 times. And yes, it was corny, and yes, some of the acting was bad, but it did. not. matter. The message is WONDERFUL.

Something that really struck a chord with me is that his wife can't get pregnant. They have tried for 4 years to do so with no luck.

Now, I know I've had 2 pregnancies, and I have a happy and healthy 8 month old to show for it. But you know what? I feel guilty because of that. Guilty because all through my high school years I was SURE that I wouldn't be able to conceive. My want for children was SO great, yet I had so many female struggles.

I had probably close to 20-30 ovarians cysts from when I was 15 until I got married. Every-time I was ultrasounded there was a cyst there (except for once, and I think it had already popped when they did the ultrasound). The first time I went in, I had "multiple bilateral ovarian cysts". From then on, I tried to learn to accept my fate. I wouldn't have kids.

I have all the symptoms of PCOS, just no diagnosis. Although, I've heard I would now fit in the diagnoses. I was PETRIFIED of not being able to have a baby, that when it happened, I was in shock.

Then I had a miscarriage. "Oh, well, no big surprise there". We hadn't been trying to get pregnant, and I thought maybe it was a sign. A sign that we couldn't, that we couldn't have children. So then I WANTED to try. I wanted to have that baby. I WANTED my child.

And so we tried again. We had planned on trying in March-April so that the baby would be born in January-February. We tried in January "just in case" and wham! I'm knocked up.

And I feel guilty. Why am I the one? Why do I get to have babies and other Mom's not? Why? I don't feel worthy. I love my daughter more than life itself, but I don't feel worthy enough of her. She is so perfect, and we want more children.... yet I don't feel worthy to even try for them... because there are so many people out there who CAN'T have them.

PCOS is on the rise. I think High Fructose Corn Syrup is probably a large contributor to that, and I have watched my diet hawkishly for years. I'm overweight, and I know if I could get that in control, I would be healthier, and it would increase my chances for more children... but maybe part of the reason I haven't been able to motivate myself to lose weight is that monumental feeling of unworthiness. I just feel like I'm not good enough to lose the weight.

But I am good enough. I'm good enough for Keevia, I'm good enough for Carl. I'm good enough for my parents, and most importantly, I'm good enough for God. I'm not worthy of God by ANY means, but I'm good enough for him, because he MADE me that way. I'm good enough to lose the weight. He gave Keevia to us. He chose us to be her parents (at least thats what I tell myself at 4 am when she's wide awake...).

I've been on the infertility side. I've felt that pain. And I know what it feels like. But you, too, are good enough for God, you just have to find the reasons in your heart, and hold to the hope in his promises.

This sounds like a big rambly mess, and I apologize... but this stuff has been laying heavily on my heart recently... and I had to get it out there. Maybe it will help someone, somewhere, feel a little better about their situation, or maybe it'll just make me feel relieved to have written it down.

It's 1 am, and Keevia is still asleep, so I think I must join her.

Happy Due Date Peanut

Dear Peanut,
One year ago today was your due date. I should have a one year old breathing into the baby monitor in the next room, and instead I have your almost 8 month old little sister. While I'm so, SO happy to have her, I still dream about you.

I can't wait to hold you in my arms one day, kiss your sweet face, and whisper "I know you". I'm sorry that I can't do that now, and I'm sorry that I'll never get to see you blow out your birthday candles. I wonder if I'll ever be able to go past this time of the year without that regret and pain looming over it... this was when I was due, when all my hopes and dreams were set, and when I had planned and prepared for for 12 weeks. In the scheme of a full pregnancy, that doesn't seem like a lot, but in the scheme of a year, it is. I had planned for June for so long that it's permenently etched in my mind. I see babies that would be about your age (many with June birthdays), and I think about you, and try to picture your sweet face. Were you a boy? Were you another girl? It kills me to not know you like I know your sister. To not be able to put that thought into it when I remember you.

I love you, my sweet, sweet baby. You will always be my first pregnancy, and the first one to make me a Mommy.

I'll see you soon.


Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day

As a Father's Day present to my sweet husband, I decided to write a little about him.

We've had our ups and our downs in our 8ish year relationship. But we've always stayed friends, and usually stayed best friends. I can honestly say that I married my best friend, and I could not be happier because of it.

He has went from a good husband, to a great husband, all in a month. Since we got married, he has been promising me that he would give up dipping tobacco. I've begged, I've pleaded, I've cried, I've yelled, I've been silent... all of it. I was scared to death of him getting cancer. Both of my grandparents died from lung cancer, and I did NOT want my husband to follow. He had quit a few times in the past, but not for a very long time. He promised he'd quit by the wedding, by Christmas, by my birthday, by Keevia's birth, by Christmas (the second in a row!), but finally, he said when we moved in the house, he would quit.

And he did. And it was rough. I have an argumentative personality, and it was very difficult for me to just clamp my mouth shut when I knew the only reason we were arguing was because he was going through withdrawals. I gritted my teeth when he moved furniture around, only to say he didn't care where it went the next day. I took Keevia next door to visit her grandparents when he would yell at me for no reason (and he NEVER yells!). And we made it.

And he is a different person. Completely. Before I would have to ask, and ask, and ask, nag him to do anything. To take out the trash, to pick up his dishes, to get me his dirty clothes, ANYTHING. Now, he does it without me asking. He cleans up the kitchen several nights a week. He has energy. He doesn't lay around on the couch lethargically for hours on end. He is a totally different man, not just physically but emotionally as well. He used to get super testy if he hadn't had a dip in a few hours, and now he's just mellowed out some.

He is the best father to my daughter that I could ever imagine. He stays up with her when I'm exhausted, he gets her for me in the middle of the night, he snuggles with her, plays with her, towels her off after bath-time, and loves her deeply. He supports my parenting ideals 100% (even when they're a little wacky!). He is top-notch on the daddy ladder!

I love you so much Carl, thank you for being the light of my life. Thank you for taking such good care of us, and thank you for loving us so much. I fall more in love with you every day when I see Keevia light up when you come home. Happy Father's Day, I love you.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

The one where I actually got outside...

My husband is always in shock and awe anytime I say I like doing something outside. I used to ALWAYS be an outside girl. I played on my swings, in my sand-box, etc. Since High School though, studying has taken up a good part of my life, so the outdoors kind of fell away.

But I love it. Around Memorial Day, Carl took me four-wheeling at his parents. I had a blast! I love fishing, hiking, etc. I'm not a fan of camping. I like my nice comfy mattress thankyouverymuch. I like all the other things camping deals with (I.E. Campfires, S'mores, etc), I just don't like being uncomfortable when I sleep.

Since Keevie has been born, I've slowly been getting out more and more (I got WAY to hot when pregnant). Yesterday, I mowed the grass.

Now, you might think "Okay, so what? She mowed the grass. Big deal."

Y'all don't understand. I live on a 100 acre farm. 25+ acres is grass. That's a lot of grass. And it was really, really high. I cut for 2 hours straight on a riding lawn mower and I only got a little over half.

I didn't start until 4 pm. I put a little bit of Keevia's Burt Bee's sunscreen on the top of my shoulders and my knees, and I didn't burn a bit (I don't burn normally, at all). I can't tell that I got anything of a tan either though. I listened first to some of my music, and then starting listening to Carl's iPod when he got home (and my MP3 players battery died). He had me start "Eragon" which is one of his favorite series.

It felt good to get out. I really, really enjoyed it. Unfortunately, I wasn't working at that time... but that'll get better. Mom's slowly on the mend (she almost had pneumonia again), and can keep the quilting machine in line (which is always a bother).

Keevia's doing well... sleep is still all screwy, but she goes back to the chiropractor on Monday. The day she got adjusted (Monday), she slept wonderfully. She's been in bed with us about 5 nights out of 6 this week. I'm exhausted!

I got to go to a wonderful baby shower today, and I had a lot of fun. I'm taking a box full of stuff (diapers that Keevia outgrew, a baby bath, extra towels, etc) to her tomorrow, then if she has a girl, I'll have more stuff for her. I'm letting her borrow (or keep if she forgets!), my very first Mei Tai. I wore Keevia in it in Wal-mart at 2 days old!

This has turned into a totally rambly post, but hey, I posted. That's good for me!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Show Us Where You Live... Engagment Stories!

Kelly, from Kelly's Korner, does these awesome "Show Use Where You Live" things ever Friday. It's great! I don't always get involved, due to time and effort, but since Keevia is asleep and my bills are paid, I thought I'd do this one!

Carl and I dated from our Sophomore year of High School until we got engaged our Junior year of college. We didn't date continually that entire time... it was definitely an on-again-off-again sort of thing.

Our Freshman year of college, we had a HORRIBLE break up. We both said that that was it, and we would never get back together. We didn't speak for months (which is BAD for us, even after breakups we would still go to the movies and such normally). Finally, we broke down and began extending feelers of friendship again. I transferred from EKU to KCU over the summer, and he left EKU and went home to Cumberland to go to community college.

During this time, I was still madly in love with him. The break up was hard, but it had needed to happen. We were fighting over EVERYTHING, and we wanted different things. I learned later that he had had an engagement ring then. I'm not proud of how I acted during that break up, but it was for the best. But I still loved Carl. It took me months to finally be "un-mad" enough to cry, MONTHS. And if you know me, you know how monumental that is (I have cried at cat-food commercials before, mmkay?).

While I was at KCU, I admit, I was looking for my MRS degree. I mean, why not? It was a large pool of CHRISTIAN men. But the entire time I would look around campus, there was this nagging face inside my head.

So I prayed. I prayed that God would take away my love for Carl, so that I would be free to look at other guys. I would pour my heart and soul out at night, begging for me to stop caring about him. I'd go to bed refreshed, thinking that I'd feel better the next day, and that God would listen.

God didn't listen (THANK YOU GOD!), but he did have a wicked sense of humor. EVERY. TIME. I prayed that prayer, Carl would call the next day "Hey, wanna meet in Hazard (half-way between my hometown and his) this weekend for a movie?" EVERY. TIME. And I always went, because I still loved him.

In October, we met in Jackson and had a little heart-to-heart about some stuff. This is when I discovered he'd had an engagement ring... We hashed some stuff out, and remained friends.

Fast-forward through several more months. Our youth group needs a male sponsor to go to KCU's Summer in the Son program. I had already agreed to be the female sponsor. So we called Carl, and he agreed.

Insert a week of us acting exactly like an old married couple. EXACTLY. Then he asked to be youth minister at our church, and MOVED IN WITH MY PARENTS AND I. Insert an entire summer of me feeling like I was his wife, without any of the benefits.

I did his laundry. We went EVERYWHERE together. We went to the movies, out to eat, etc. We watched movies at my house together. I cooked for him. I was his wife.

Then school started back up, and he switched to KCU. Most weekends we were either riding together, or we were following each other. During the week I didn't see AS much of him as I had, and I missed him. Like, a lot.

September 10th, 2007. It was a Monday. It was also my 20th birthday. I had stayed home until that morning for some reason, so I was just now headed to campus. I was 2 blocks. TWO FREAKING BLOCKS, away from campus when I got rear ended, bad. Carl called moments after the accident to ask if I knew if we had choir, I apparently sounded shaky, because he stopped his question and asked what was wrong, when I told him I'd been in a car-wreck, he didn't even pause, he just yelled "WHERE ARE YOU?" I told him, and he showed up 2 seconds later. He drove my car to campus for me, and dealt with the other people.

We began having to ride with him back and forth to school as A) I had severe whiplash and couldn't drive. and B) My car was MIA until it got a new rear-end. And I realized, in those late night drives, how crazy I was for him. How I longed for him to reach over and touch my hand, just like he always used to.

So I got my nerve up, and I told him I still loved him. And he told me never, ever, would we ever be in a dating relationship again. This was a few weeks after my wreck, near the end of September. I cried, my girls took me out for smoothies (Christian campus, I couldn't drink...haha), and I tried to wrap my head around this new reality -- being in love with someone who loves you but doesn't want to be with you.

Fast-forward to October 19th. It was a Friday. We were at my house. We were sitting in his car, after just coming home from...something. He stopped me as I was getting out of the car and told me he had reconsidered. He still loved me too, and he wanted to try again.

SO! We started dating again. Around 1 month later (okay, November 26th to be exact), we're getting ready for Feast of Christmas dress rehearsal. I'm all done up in stage make-up and hair...

(scary, huh?)
ready to go on stage. Carl has been acting kind of weird all day, but I don't really think much of it. Suddenly, a few minutes before curtain call, he tells me he needs to "talk to me" outside.

My heart stops. Completely. No way. NO FREAKING WAY. You are NOT going to break up with me here. NOT before Feast dress rehearsal! Not before Feast! I have to perform all week long! I can't be getting over a break-up. I stand beside you! I'll want to kill you! This is not happening. Oh-my-gosh, I'm going to KILL you. Dead. You're dead. Completely. All of this was going through my mind as we wove ourselves through the tables already set up, and out into the lobby area. He stopped us in front of a bulletin board, right outside the cafeteria.

"I'm not getting down on my knee." He says. I was confused. "What?" I respond, just as he pulls out a ring box.

"Will you marry me?" I just stopped. I was in shock. I thought he was going to BREAK UP WITH ME. Not ask me to marry him! He opened the box, and there was a gorgeous engagement ring!

I turned around in a full circle (not sure why), and started jumping up and down. "Yes!" I squealed. We hugged, we kissed, and then we had to go back inside the gym to start dress rehearsal. When we walked in EVERYONE (all 70+ people) were looking at us, holding their breath. Carl nodded, and they all started cheering. Apparently, I was the last to know!

That was super, duper long, but it was really fun to write!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Wordless Wedensday (or very close to wordless..)

Taken Sunday before church...

Notice something amiss in this picture?

Like some food she's saving for later?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Too soon?

Keevia has been asleep since around 9 o'clock tonight. This is the first night, in, oh, 2 1/2 weeks where she hasn't used her bedtime as a nap time. She had been going down fine, but waking up 45 minutes to an hour later, and then being up for an hour or so, and then finally going back down around 11-1. Tiring. But, after a trip to the chiropractor today, and an adjustment, she has been asleep for over 2 hours! Woohoo!

She hadn't been down horribly long when Carl plopped his rather large book from the couch to the floor.

"Are you TRYING to wake her up?" I asked, glaring at him as only a Mom who has been rocking an overtired, frustrated, whiny baby for close to three weeks can glare.

"No! Sometimes I forget we have a kid." He replied. I laughed, he laughed, and then he turned serious.

"You know, everyone keeps asking me if I think we had her too soon. They ask if I regret having had her this early... do you?"

I didn't even have to think about my answer, a solid, resounding no.

Yes, financially, we had a baby too soon. We were in college when we got pregnant. Carl still had several years to go (as he wasn't the best student material). I was in my senior year. We struggled, and wouldn't have made it through his month of unemployment if it hadn't been for my parents. But things worked themselves out.

Now we have a mortgage (instead of rent!), student loans, no credit card debt, and month to month bills.

I admit, it's tight. And if we hadn't gotten pregnant, I could have a full time job as well, working at a library, or a school, or as a waitress even (I LOVED working at Cracker Barrel!). We could have two full time incomes instead of one. We might not have salvation army furniture, and be living so tight, but we also wouldn't have the absolute light of our lives.

This month is super tight, due mainly to poor planning, yet we'll make it. I know we will, because God always provides, and things always work themselves out. I can't even imagine my life without my sweet, sweet baby girl. So we have salvation army furniture, and so we don't get the latest movies. We have each other, we have a roof over our heads, and we have food to fill our bellies. What more dare I ask for?

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Clap your hands!!

We were sitting on the couch today, snuggling, when I suddenly noticed my darling girl can now clap her hands!

Let the ages of patty cake begin!

Way to go my 7 1/2 month old!

Enough for tonight

I'm feeling better than I did earlier today. I'm going to leave that little bundle of sunshine up though, because it truly was how I felt at that time.

My house is the cleanest it has been since we moved in, and I love it. Our master bath is still screaming to be reorganized, and there are still 4ish boxes in the office... but other than that, my house is amazing.

My dishwasher is fixed.

Keevia was asleep by 10 pm.

I got a shower today.

I have good books.

We have company, who has kept me laughing all evening.

I'm enough for now.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Not enough

I've been feeling like I'm not enough a lot recently. Like I don't do enough, say enough, talk enough, blog enough.

My house isn't clean enough. We moved in around a month ago, and it's still not all unpacked and organized. I still have stuff in Mom's house to get. I hate that my house is "junky". It really bugs me, but I don't have enough time or energy to work on it. There is always a pile of dishes in the sink, or a dirty stove, or laundry to be done. I never get caught up. I'm still fighting the battle of laundry that was from our apartment that has to be washed before its stored because of the mold/bird stuff. There was about 12 loads of that, on top of our normal weekly loads. I've done around 6 loads some days, and I'm STILL not caught up.

I don't work enough. I didn't work at all this week. I spent the entire week trying to organize my house, and you can't really tell a difference. I should have been working more, but when I work, I feel like I neglect my house, and my duties as a wife.

I don't blog enough. Not just saying this for the 20ish people I have that read my blog occasionally. I don't blog enough for ME. I don't write out what I'm thinking and feeling enough. I need to write more about Keevia. I'm not keeping a baby book, this IS my baby book, and I want to write down more about her. Even if its just small little 6 line blogs. I NEED to do that more.

The one place where I do feel like I'm enough is with Keevia. I have her all day, every day. But sometimes that gets to be too much. Then I feel like a bad mom because all I want her to do is take a blessed nap so I can go pee. Blair was talking the other day about times when you just don't want to be there. For her, it's not always the bad times... for me, it's night time. When Keevia is fighting sleep, and I sometimes wish I believed in cry-it-out, or I wish that someone other than me could get her to sleep (without her screaming), so that I could just go crawl in the shower. Or when she wakes up at 7 in the morning and is wide awake, and ALL I want is another hour of sleep. Sometimes I wish I could just call someone and have them come get her.

But then, I open my eyes, and she smiles at me. And those feelings go away. They don't always go away at night... but she does go to sleep eventually, and even though I'm usually to tired to crawl in the shower, I do usually veg for a few minutes.

I always wanted to be a Mom, and I truly love every minute, even when I'm tired or I'm frustrated. And I always remember how much pain it took me to be a Mom. I'm not someone who got knocked up in high school as a mistake... I lost a baby, and now I have a baby in my arms, not every Momma has that. I try to keep things in perspective.

We have a good friend coming over to spend the weekend today... and all I can think about is will my house be enough? Will we get it clean enough? Uncluttered enough? Will the bed be good enough?

When will I be enough?

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Keevia, 7 months

:: Disclaimer: All facts and info will be about Keevia at this date, seven months, 1 week and a handful of days, because after the weekend I had, I can't think back on what she was/wasn't doing a week and a half ago!::

Keevia, at 7 months you are:

- still toothless! And that doesn't look like it's changing ANY time soon.
- Just had your first bout of sickness (other than the stomach flu on Christmas, but Mommy was too sick to remember that), and it was horrible on all of us. Your little eyes were swollen, you couldn't sleep, you had a 99-101 temperature... it stunk!
- Can sit up completely independently, which you did for more than 30 seconds for the first time on your 7 month "birthday".
- Are working on pulling yourself to a sit.
- Sleeping through the night almost every night! You sleep, generally, from 10-11 pm until 5-6 am, then nurse in bed with me, then sleep until I get up, or until around 9ish.
- Wear size 2 diapers still, although the huggies are a little small. We finally discovered you can wear Up And Up diapers from Target though too! YAY! Finally a storebrand diaper!
- Are the happiest baby I know! You smile at everyone and laugh all the time.
- LOVE TO EAT! You eat bananas and cereal most mornings, whatever Mommy is eating for lunch, and at least 2+ things for dinner. You still nurse every hour to two hours, unless we're out and about, then it's sometimes longer inbetween!
- LOVE electronic devices. You want to get your hands on anyones cell phone, the remote control, the ipod touch, ANYTHING.
- Are still a Mommy's girl, but you are totally falling in love with your daddy!
- You can make the ASL sign for Milk (which we say is "nurse"), say Mommy (Mama), Daddy (Dada), Bye and wave goodbye and hello! You're a genius!
- You babble CONSTANTLY, but you never babble "Dada" until it gets to be about 4 pm (Carl comes home around 6). You are always so ready for Daddy to get home!
- Your naps are all over the place. Sometimes you take one long afternoon nap (Like 2-3 hours) and a quick evening cat nap. Somtimes you take 3 1 hour naps... it sort of just depends on your mood I guess!
- Are just starting to love to play with your toys, but you have your favorites. We're not keen on loud toys, but prefer ones that make you use your imagination. You love your stuffed animals, your bead mazes, and your toy cell phone! Oh, and Sophie. How could I forget Sophie?

Keevia, I know I tell you this every month (and every day), but I love you so much. Excluding your father, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love waking up in the mornings (even at 4 am when you're awake and babbling!) to see your sweet smile. I cringe to even THINK of anything bad happening to you. I want to wrap you in a protective bubble, but then I know that wouldn't work either. You're my sunshine, and my life. I love you darling.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Everything Dip

I'm really picky when it comes to processed foods. I try not to eat anything that includes monosodium glutamate (MSG), hydrogenated oils, high fructose corn syrup, or nitrates.

It's not easy. At all. I have to make everything from scratch. And even then, high fructose especially is in EVERYTHING.

Why do I try to stay away from these things? Google some of them, especially the hydrogenated oils. I don't want to take 6 pages here, but basically NONE of them are good for your body.

MSG though, especially, upsets our whole family. Keevia SCREAMS the day after I eat it, Carl ends up with, ahem, stomach troubles, and I get headaches, tummy issues, and extreme bloating.

So, we stay away from it.

Which means Ranch dressing is out of the question. Except for Newman's Own recipe. EVERY.SINGLE. ranch dressing in the store has MSG in it. Ranch is huge in our house.

So I googled it. And The Pioneer Woman came through for me! I loooooove that recipe. It's DELICIOUS. I go heavy on the dill. VERY heavy.

Recently though, I found myself late at night, craving something to dip things in. I wasn't about to traipse outside(we'll touch on my greatest fears in another post...) to get fresh herbs, so I came up with my own mixture.

I took a heaping tablespoon of sour cream, a heaping tablespoon of PLAIN yogurt, and a then thinned it out with a little buttermilk. I added a lot of garlic powder, a LOT of dried dill weed, a good amount of salt, and a little bit of dried onion. Mixed it all together, and deemed it my "everything" sauce.

It tastes a little like ranch. It's oniony, tangy, and I like it.

Story time!

Gather round children, gather round.

Today we're going to have story time.

The story of the day is about how my darling husband tried to send his daughter away.

Now, if you know Carl, and if you've seen him with the baby, then you know that she is his life. Plain and simple. He was a nervous wreck my entire pregnancy, and probably the most heard words in our home are "Is she breathing?" (And the answer to this question is ALWAYS "Yes baby, she's fine."). He has always wanted a baby girl, and he dotes on her like it's going out of style.

Now, if you don't know, I had an all natural labor (save one pain shot with a life of 2ish hours). I was in labor (although not active labor) for about a month, and then was in the hospital overnight before they broke my water. They broke my water at 9 am, and contractions starting picking up. I didn't give birth until 11:10 pm that night, and my hubby never left my side (except when I was on the pain shot, and then he was still in the room). Neither of us slept well for the two nights before she came. I got to experience the natural high of childbirth, and my hubby got to crash. We got into the mother and baby room around 1ish, our Mommas left, and it was just the three of us. Our little family.

Carl showered, and then we stayed up, just marveling in the beautiful baby we had made. Finally around 3-4 am, Carl crashed. I laid down and tried to sleep, but Keevia wouldn't settle in the bassinet. At this point I was still all "I SHALL NOT BEDSHARE!" and I also could only breastfeed if I was sitting up. So I grabbed my boppy, and settled in an extremely uncomfortable chair. I ended up spending the rest of the night there. The nurse came in at one point and got me some graham crackers and juice after she checked my vitals.

Roll around til the breakfast tray comes. I was starving by this point, and had only dozed on and off a little bit. They brought the tray in and left it under the TV....all the way across the room. I was holding the baby, and was still too weak to walk while holding her (I had shakes for about 2 days after birth). Carl is still dead to the world. I AM STARVING. So, I start trying to wake him up.

I keep asking him to please get me the tray, take the baby, and let me eat. I repeated this to him several times. The first time I woke him up, he sat up, looked at me while I came him instructions, and promptly rolled over and went back to sleep. So I prodded him back up, and repeated the instructions. Get me the breakfast tray, take the baby, and let me eat. So... He tries...

He takes the baby, goes and puts her in the isolette (where she promptly begins crying), and walks in the bathroom. I get up, go over and get the baby out of the isolette and sit down on the bed. He comes out of the bathroom and begins talking "They don't have the thing, the thing that goes on top of the other thing, they have the thing like we have at home, but not the other thing" and then GETS BACK IN BED.

So, I give up on him helping and begin trying to pull the tray towards me. Except that it won't come over the bed because it needs to be raised, and I can't do that one handed. This is where I promptly burst into tears.

Which is when Carl wakes up. He finally became coherent enough to take Keevia and help me get the tray. While I'm picking at the food, they come and take Miss Priss to the nursery for the pediatrician to give her a look. I decide to lay down and try and nap as they tell us it could be around 2 hours before she gets back.

Ha. Nap. In a hospital. First the nurse came in, then the social security person (who was asking questions and whom Carl tried to answer (he had went back to sleep as soon as they took Keevia), she finally said "Honey, go back to sleep...", then the photography person, then about 3 other people.

I had just laid back down (we're getting to the good part, I promise!), when our nurse knocks on the door. She pokes her head in and says "Hi! Do you want your baby back?" Carl, for the first time that day, raises up out of the bed and clearly says "No, take her away." The nurse looks slightly surprised but then nods and says 'Oh, okay... call me when you want her.." and then closes the door. I was in complete, total, and utter shock. I couldn't speak. The door closed, I whirled on Carl and started hitting him, saying "GET ME MY BABY. GO GET MY BABY!" He was totally confused because he was asleep at the time, I start crying, and he just rolls over. I finally called the nurses desk and said "Yes, I would like my child please, my husband just SENT HER AWAY" and that finally woke him up.

So yes. My husband tried to give our darling daughter away before she was even 12 hours old. He was in shock and a little embarrassed once he realized it... but it sure made a great story to tell her later!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


I love it when I take leftovers and make something amazing out of it.

It doesn't happen very often, but I love the sense of empowerment I get when I throw some stuff in the pan and come out with something amazing. I hate just serving up boring old leftovers, yet I can never think of anything creative to make.

If you know me at all, you know I LOVE to cook. LOVE it. I also love to eat. Which is the reason I'm still currently 50 lbs overweight. I'm trying to resolve to make better eating choices though. And still have the tasty food I love.

Tonight, I wasn't that hungry for dinner, so I fixed Carl steak and a baked potato. I had four pieces of meat, and he ate two of them (each piece was probably around 3-4 ounces).

Fast-forward to about an hour and a half ago. I'm STARVING. I went in the kitchen and whipped up some everythingdip (recipe to follow soon), and then decided I didn't want just potato chips. I saw the left-over steak, and inspiration hit me.

I sliced it up thinly, and set it aside. Then I took some fresh, raw broccoli and threw it in the pan with some extra virgin olive oil, a lot of salt, garlic powder, dried onion, balsamic vinegar, and a little water. I cranked it up to medium high, put a lid on it, and let it steam for a bit. Then I tossed in the beef, beef juices, and tossed it around for a bit, then served.

ZOMG IT WAS DELICIOUS. It tasted JUST like Beef and Broccoli at my chinese restaurant, but without the sauce. The broccoli had soaked up all the yumminess from the onions and such, and it was just delish.

I know what I'm having for lunch tomorrow!