Wednesday, December 31, 2008

*growls loudly*

My computer has a virus. I'm currently writing this on my Mom's iBook G4, as I am not allowing my computer access to the internet (it sounds as if my computer is my child, which it sort of is...). It's a very retarded "Windows Antivirus 2008." I got this virus a few years ago, but it has definitely matured some since then!

So, I did what any good geek girl would do... get online and see what other geeks do to get rid of it. I was thinking it would be some evil removal that included going into safe mode, yadda yadda... Nope, according to one website, all I would have to do is download Malwarebytes (Done! got it!), and run it, and Viola!!! It would fix the problem.

Well, that would be all fine and well if the stupid son-of-a-monkeys-uncle-virus keeps thrawting my plan! I have ran Malwarebytes for several times now, and the stupid virus keeps finding ways to shut it down or force me to restart my computer. Not cool.

Fear not, this geeky girl will thrawt the evils of Microsoft Antivirus 2008! And, if you ever get this virus, IMMEDIATELY start Ctrl-Alt-Deling any programs and processes you don't understand. Then MANUALLY disconnect the internet. I highly recommend running Spybot at all times, as this stopped it from creating stuff on my registry.

Alright, I'm off to fight the valiant battle to save my computer!

In the words of Peanut (from Jeff Dunham) - Dun dun dah!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008


This post will seem so trivial in comparison to the miscarriage woes I've been through.

I start classes back next Monday. Someone please shoot me. I'm currently sitting here trying to convince myself to annontate Hamlet, just the first act! It has to be completely annontated by Monday or I get kicked out of the class.

Not that I'm considering not doing it, not really.

Which reminds me, thats why I actually got online in the first place, to check the syllabus about this assignment.

If you have the time, take a moment to visit the MckMiracle family (the link to which can be found on my right). Their youngest son, Stellan is in the hospital battling RSV, and is having some down moments. Take a minute and send up a prayer.

I feel really bad right now, I didn't sleep well at all (I was up til at LEAST 4 am), then I went to the chiropractor, which makes me feel better... the day AFTER. Anyway. Off to do some Hamlet.

Monday, December 29, 2008

God moment

Wow. God works in wonderful, mysterious ways.

A few weeks ago, a friend of Carl's and mine's mother emailed us. I had commented on Tammy Nischan's blog, and she had saw it, and it led her here. After reading our journey, she felt led to email us, and did. She proceeded to share a story of pain and heartache, that touched Carl and I deeply. She and her husband have endured 3 miscarriages, and are now attempting to adopt from China. Her email was one of the most moving, beautiful things I have read. Her compassion knows no bounds. I truly believe that our conversations were a healing touch.

Carl brought up the fact that we go through everything in our lives for a reason. It's only when we go through pain and heartache that we can minister to those who are going through pain and heartache. Carl mentioned that maybe one of the reasons that Terri and Tim had their miscarriages was that they could minister to us, a heartbroken couple enduring the same thing.

Well, I just had my very own God moment. Over Christmas, my sister in law, Steph, mentioned that a girl we went to school with had recently had a miscarriage with a blighted ovum. I had known her on and off in school, and knew her husband. I added her on myspace and then read her blog. I commented on her note about the miscarriage, and invited her here. Apparently she read my blog, and then messaged me. She spoke about how thankful she was that we were going through the same emotions, the same thoughts and feelings...and that reading this, she didn't feel so alone.

Wow. I touched someone. I helped someone through a situation. My pain, my sorrow, helped someone else who is in pain, in sorrow.

The egg sac she will be naturally miscarrying has grown to eight weeks. I miscarried an 8 week baby and egg sac.

You don't get much more God led than that.

I wrote her a very, very long note, and I just pray that I can be of some assistance to her in this excruciatingly difficult experience. She has a wonderful, godly husband, and I know that he will be of great help.

On another note: The holidays were hard... but they were easier than I thought they would be. I slid down the hill by myself RIGHT before leaving to go to Carl's parents, and I was afraid that this would make it a miserable trip. I did have a miserable car ride, and it was emotionally hard. I was DREADING being around so many happy, laughing people. I was dreading being around my three week old nephew. But... once we got there, and I got stretched out... I had a wonderful holiday. I managed to sit up until 5:30 AM with Aaron (the 3 week old) so Mommy and Mamaw could get some MUCH needed sleep. I'm so thankful I was able to do so!!

Please pray for Amber and her husband Daniel as they continue through this miscarriage.
Please pray for Stephanie and her boys, as she's having a hard time, and it was a difficult first holiday season on her own, I'm sure.
Pray for me, as I believe I'm about to have my first AF after the miscarriage.

Isn't it funny how we go from being elated to NOT see blood, to terrified when we DO see blood, to praying to see blood? Oh, the TTC and miscarriage circuit we go...

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Christmas times a'comin....

I just picked out my Christmas present from my lovely husband. He was going to buy me an open heart necklace from Kay Jewelers, but I had decided I really didn't like it. I've been wearing a child's butterfly necklace that his Uncle Butch gave me for Christmas last year, and I wanted to merely add a charm for the baby.

After 2 hours of search, and the price parameters of $50, I have managed to locate my Christmas present. I'm going to put money in the bank tomorrow, and order it.

I love it!!!!! It's perfect. It's what I've been looking for for nearly a month.

I also got Jewel's Christmas present on Etsy yesterday!! I am so in love with!!!! I'm going to attempt to sell some hand-spun yarn and maybe some photography on there next semester!

I have a nasty cold/sinus infection, and I'm praying I get over it soon. We go back up to Carl's family on Christmas Eve, and I don't want to be contagious. Not that it would really matter much, they were all sick when we left! I did get to meet, and fall in love with, our newest nephew, Aaron James. He was born on December 5th (Jewel's birthday! Ha! Easy to remember!) and is absolutely gorgeous.

I was quite proud of that picture, thank you. Natural light and babies is ces magnifique! I know I butchered the spelling of that, but I'm a hillbilly, it's allowed!

The holidays have gotten a little easier. While Christmas shopping with my mom at our local Wal-mart yesterday, however, I had a bit of a sad moment. I was sitting in the car, feeling horrible, and every other woman that walked into Walmart had a pregnant belly. Literally. When mom came to the car, and I said "Are we ready to be out of pregnant belly hell?" Mom just squeezed my leg, and told me my time would come. I know it will, but its still difficult!

Keep Baylee Littrell in your prayers. He's the son of Leighanne & Brian Littrell (Christian singer and member of the Backstreet Boys). Here's a quote from the blog that was posted on BSB's Myspace blog.

"On Saturday December 20, 2008, Baylee T W Littrell was released from Scottish Rite Children's Hospital in Atlanta.

Before being admitted Baylee had been treated for or thought to have had strep throat, hand, foot, mouth disease and erythema multiforme. After receiving a biopsy, blood tests, an EKG and 2 echocardiograms, Baylee was finally diagnosed with A-Typical Kawasaki Disease. We would like to stress A-Typical because Baylee did not have text book symptoms of any of the viruses they thought he had.

Kawasaki Disease causes inflammation in the coronary arteries as well as the walls of the small and medium sized arteries throughout the body. Unfortunately, Baylee's coronary arteries were affected. He received an IVIG, which is a treatment to bring down the inflammation in his coronary arteries. Baylee will be closely monitored for the next 6-8 weeks by a Pediatric Cardiologist to see if the treatment was effective."

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Driving in a Winter Wonderland...

Carl and I headed to my parents day today to... START OUR CHRISTMAS BREAK!

Actually, I have one paper left. And I failed a final, and got a C on another final, but you know what? I'm finished. I'm 99% sure I passed all my classes. This has been the hardest semester of my life, both emotionally, physically and intellectually. I am so, forever grateful that it is OVER!

It snowed in Grayson last night, but only a dusting, just enough to cover the grass. When I called my Mom in Jackson, she said they had at least 2 inches. So, we assumed it would be a wintery drive home.

It was GORGEOUS!!! I made Carl pull over and allow me to take pictures.

This was the road we had just come down!

This was just a gorgeous one I loved!!

We also put up our first Christmas tree! I promised pictures!

Finally, one of the snow from my house, and a picture of my very cold feet! I had on Crocs and VERY thin socks! I didn't think I'd be heading out in the snow!

My cold, cold feet!!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Emotions are weird.

I've been doing pretty well for the past couple of days, but just now I was checking my facebook, and I noticed a friend had put some new baby pictures up, so I glanced at them... Normally, this hasn't bothered me in the least. But today... she had a picture of her daughter in a adorable Christmas dress, and a note that said "My perfect Christmas present."

That was it. I lost it. I didn't sob, but I did cry... just as the tears are coming to my eyes again. Why is it just random tears? Why is it just random emotions? WHY?

I have so much to do, yet I now just want to curl up and cry. Period. Exclamation point.

I feel completely incompetent at life in general, and homework especially.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


I survived Feast.

If, by surviving, I mean to say that yesterday, after 3 hours of clean up, I went to bed at 9:30 PM and was successfully asleep by 10:00 PM, then yes. I survived.

I miss it. Today's only the second day we haven't performed, and I miss it. I could perform year round and be happy. That should be my job, performing. But, my want to be a mother is stronger than that.

I have some weird cold, or something, I'm stuffy, I have sores on the inside of my mouth, and on Saturday, about 6 PM, I had morning sickness again. Or, thats what it felt like. In reality it was nausea that correlated with the bug I had, but it felt, for all the world, like morning sickness.

This made me realize that I actually MISS morning sickness. I miss that feeling! I miss everything about being pregnant. Blair, at The Heir to Blair, spoke several posts ago about people asking her what she wants for Christmas, and I feel the exact same way that she does. Empty. I hate that answer, because my answer is very simple. I want my baby back.

While cleaning up for Feast yesterday, Dr. D gave away all the Christmas trees in the foyer, because he's buying new ones next year. This means that Carl and I are now the proud owners of a pre-lit four foot Christmas tree! Actually, I think it may be three foot, but whatever. I went to the Dollar General store yesterday and purchased some ribbon and dinky decorations, but at least it looks Christmasy! It's growing on me, and I'm beginning to really like it. I'll post pictures tomorrow.

My first final is tomorrow, and I'm a little bit worried about it. It's open note though, and a wonderful friend who is much better at note taking than I has emailed me all 35 pages of his notes. Now, tomorrow, when I get up, I just have to discover which notes are relevant and print them out. The final is at 1. Then I'm off to work for Dr. Knight for a few hours. Gag. Then, I simply MUST do homework. No sims. No tv. No book. Homework.

Still to-do:
2 Forums
1 Paper (History of Missions)
Memorize Bible Verse (PRIORITY!!)
Study for Bible Test (EEK THATS WEDNESDAY!)
Paper over 1984 (EEK!)
Read Cliff Notes (DOUBLE EEK!!!)

Okay, breath. I can do this.

Please, if you're religious. Pray for Carl and I. Until Mom puts Carls check in the bank, I can't pay rent, and until we get paid on Thursday, I can't get gas or pay Carl's cellphone bill. Pray that the check on Thursday will be a decent one, and allow us to go to see his parents and meet our new nephew, Aaron. He was born on December 5th, and I know we're both excited!

I'm hoping it doesn't bother me to meet this baby... I don't think it will, because I'm too excited about it. Carl and I will have children. This just wasn't in God's timing. If I hadn't miscarried, I would never have learned about Trisomy 18 or 13 (neither of which my baby had, but through blogger I found blogs of people who had lost their children, and some of those children had this disorder). I'm slowly healing, and as I heal, I think it's time to re-start "Booties for Cuties" but maybe it's time for a revamp. I'll worry more about this over Christmas break.

Pray for Carl and My finals tomorrow! Poor guy has one at 8 am!!! *gags*


Friday, December 5, 2008

I laid an egg.

At least, thats what it looked/felt like.

Yesterday, I began cramping around 3 pm, again. After I walked to Dr. Starr's office and back, I literally thought I wasn't going to make it back to the apartment. But, I did. I took some ibuprofen, and then settled into my chair. When the time came to get ready for feast I was feeling a little bit better, so I managed to get ready pretty painlessly!

So, Carl and I began the less than a block walk to Feast. Once we got in Lusby, and began walking down the hallway, I had a searing pain in my abdomen, and then I felt a gush of blood flow. I was only wearing a light pad, as all my Maxi's were in the Feast locker room. I grabbed Carl's hand, and then felt something pass down. Carl asked if I was alright, and I said I thought I was. Everytime I took a step though, I could feel something. It was a very awkward feeling! I didn't make it all the way back to the locker rooms, but instead stopped in the public restroom. I had bright red in the toilet as soon as I sat down, and when I wiped... I had a huuuuuuuuuuuuge piece of tissue that for all the world looked like an egg (except it was bright red). I'm not sure if it was the placenta (although I didn't think I was far enough along for a placenta), or what it was. It was just an egg shaped piece of red tissue with white epithial tissue sticking to one side of it. Gross.

I had completely soaked the pad, and almost overflown it when I got to the locker rooms. I switched for a Maxi and went on. However, I didn't bleed much at all during the entire performance. Since then, it's been very light and very intermittent.

As I write this, however, I'm starting to lightly cramp. Along with being ABSOLUTELY freezing cold. Yuck.

Ah, Homework, then dishes, then feast!!!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I just placed all my pregnancy bookmarks in a bookmark folder instead of just open in my bookmark tab. It was hard. But, I think it'll be easier opening up my bookmark thingie.

I should be writing a paper right now, not writing in my blog.

Feast went well today. I started cramping really badly at 3 pm, and began to get worried. I really wanted to perform tonight, and I was hoping my uterus would allow me. I took some ibuprofen and chilled on the couch. Viola! Cramps went away around 5.

Sometime between 5:45-7:30ish, I went to pee, and I heard this huuuuuuge "plop". I looked down, and there, in the toilet, was a golf ball size blood clot with lots of white mucusy stuff on it. I went (to a locker room full of girls mind you). "So YOU'RE my crampy problem!" they were confused.

Everyone has been so wonderful and so nice on campus. I must be asked 5,000 times a day how I'm feeling, and whereas normally this would bother me, it doesn't because I know that everyone actually MEANS it. To look into someones face and see pure compassion, to see them hurting for you, it makes all the difference. I'm not saying I relish that, or relish causing them pain, but its much better than flippant behavior or pity.

One girl even said that she had woken up from a nightmare crying, and the nightmare had been about my miscarriage. Funny, I feared *I* would be the one waking up because I looked at the baby... but I slept soundly. That could have had to do with the Tylenol 3 as well though, especially seeing as I am wide awake at 2:50 in the morning.

I still think that Carl and I will refrain from telling anyone next time until I'm 12 weeks. What was hard was fielding the "Congratulations!" and then having to say thanks, but no thanks.

I watched "Deliver Me" on the Discovery Health channel today (bad idea, I know, but I was to lazy to change the channel). One woman was on her 7th pregnancy, and it was her FIRST live birth. WOAH! I can't imagine that! I'd have gone insane!!! She had a beautiful baby boy named Jack, and her fertility specialist actually got to attend the birth, and cut the cord!

After yesterday, labor scares me to death... but you know what? I did it yesterday, I can do anything. Thats my new motto.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


Well, it's over.

I officially miscarried last night. Don't let anyone lie to you. Natural miscarriage is painful, very, very, painful.

I started cramping pretty badly around 3:30 PM. I'd been cramping on and off since Saturday, and all of the cramps were like really bad period cramps. I had Ars Nova rehearsal at 4:15, and although I muddled through it okay, I had to bend at the waist a lot, and sit occasionally. The cramps were getting progressively worse throughout the hour.

Now, for anyone who is squeamish. Don't read on. There will be details. You have been warned.

When Carl and I got home, I immediately went to the bathroom. There were a couple of clots in the toilet. I had taken 4 Ibuprofen at 4, so they had had plenty of time to kick in.... yet the cramps were the worst yet. I put my hot/cold pack in the microwave and opened the freezer to get out a frozen pizza. As I started to struggle with it, I felt myself passing more clots. I left the freezer open and asked Carl to put the pizza in the oven. I went back to the bathroom (my home away from home yesterday). There were a lot more clots in the bottom of the toilet that time. I managed to sit in my chair until I had eaten 2 pieces of pizza. Then another trip to the bathroom, and more clots. After about another 2 hours of this, I broke the rules and got in the bathtub. I had a little bit of clots, but not that much. I then took a shower. When I got out of the shower, I sat on the toilet AGAIN and were bleeding profusely....still mainly just clots. I yelled for Carl to get me some undies and a pad, which he did.

I sat on the couch for about another hour.... going to the bathroom a few more times. Carl had to leave for Feast dress rehearsal at 8:30, so then Sarah came over to babysit my uterus. The cramping was getting increasingly worse, and at 9 I called mom to make sure it was safe to take a Tylenol 3. She said it was, and I did. It didn't even cut the cramps. I sat on my chair(I can't sit on our couch, it kills my back), and hugged my heat pack.

Around 9:30, it began to get excruciating. I had to monitor my breathing so I wouldn't hyperventilate. I concentrated on breathing in and out, and the pain was bearable. Sometime between 9:30-9:50 (it was kind of a blur, I couldn't really look at the clock). I felt a pop inside of me. I was 99% sure I had passed the baby. After about15 minutes the cramps let up significantly. When they were tolerable, I got up and went to the bathroom.

Sure enough, I had. There was no way I could flush the toilet. You flush goldfish, not human beings... no matter how small that human being was. The baby was about the size of my ring fingernail. I had promised Dr. Ott (my chiropractor) that I would look at it, and I did. By 8w6d, it should have been fully formed (well, not fully, but all of its organs and stuff should have been in place). I'm pretty sure that all of its little organs were outside of its body, which is probably why I miscarried. That's why Dr. Ott wanted me to look, was to see if there were any noticeable deforms. I'm glad I looked. I could see it's little heart, and it's little eyes. It was hard... but I'm glad I did it.

I placed it in a Macy's earring box...which seems like a weird coffin, but it was really all I had. I think we're planning on burying it somewhere back home.

It was hard. It was painful. I continued to pass clots until I went to sleep around 1 am. So far, I've only passed miniscule ones today. Thankfully, I only had chapel and Feast today, so I called and got an excused absence for chapel and slept in. I'm going to go get Taco Bell or something for dinner and save myself from having to 'cook'. I normally love cooking, but I don't have the energy to cook, or to wash the dishes!

I feel better... I feel relieved. But... now my uterus is empty, my little bean is gone...and can't ever come back. It's hard. but, it's over.

Food, makeup, feast. Here I come!

Monday, December 1, 2008


I have just come to the realization that I don't have to be perfect.

You would think that this would be a rather obvious revelation... but for me its not. For the past week I've been stressing out about grades, and papers, and assignments that need to be done to finish out the semester. But you know what? I don't have to be perfect. So what if I get all B's this semester? As long as I pass all my classes, I will be a happy individual. And, as I sit here, 5 minutes after midnight, working on a paper thats due tomorrow... I have realized that I deserve a break. I deserve to mourn. I deserve to grieve. I am miscarrying my child as I write this. Why in heavens name should I be worrying about a stupid paper? I've turned EVERYTHING else in this semester. Sure, I'm behind in an online class. But I am not perfect. I am not superwoman. I have emotions. I have feelings. I need to mourn. I need to rest. I need to survive.

This has been the worst emotional day so far. Excluding Tuesday afternoon, I've been surprisingly strong, and my breakdown Tuesday was only a few minutes long. Today however... actually just this evening... I know its because I'm tired, but it still sucks.

Pray that tomorrow is a better day! Pray that this is over soon!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Is it over yet?

Wow. Debilitating cramps suck. I have had cramps this bad only once before, and that was back in May, for no reason whatsoever.

My uterus, or bladder one, is randomly spasming. I'm hoping this is a sign that I'll be finished soon.

This is so, so much harder emotionally than I thought it would be. I want it to be over, but then again I don't.

I want to go to bed and sleep, just sleep the pain away. But, I have a paper due... and I haven't started typing it yet. 1,000 words of BS coming right up.

I'm going to go check my pad, then try and get started on that.


I believe its beginning. The cramping is intense... not the worst period I've ever had... but close. The spotting has turned red, and its pretty constant now. Funny how you sometimes get what you ask for. I asked to start miscarrying today, so that I would hopefully be done by performance time (tuesday).

I actually made it through the majority of the rehearsal. I couldn't do the last three scenes. The cramping was getting super intense, and I was beginning to feel week and dizzy. So, I sat. Sandra D was a gem, and told me to just go on home... I didn't want to do that because of risk of hemorrhage and being by myself.

I'm pretty emotional, but the majority of the tears I've been shedding have been pain tears. I'm scared of whats to come. I'm scared of being on my own and miscarrying...and having to deal with it. I'm even more scared of being not in my apartment. I don't know what I want to do when it does pass. It seems a little silly to bury it... but it seems even worse to merely flush it. It's a baby. A tiny, tiny human being. It deserves more respect than that.

I need to sleep, yet I'm not sleepy. I'm so crampy that I don't want to think about sleeping...We have lunch at one, then on the stage at two, and we're supposed to do costume changes... my pants are still wet. I'm also not quite sure what I'm going to be wearing for the second set. Might want to get on that.

Bed, bed... I think I'm going to bed.

Saturday, November 29, 2008


Ugh. I feel gross and disgusting and I just want to go back to bed. My insomnia, which was gloriously gone when I was pregnant, has returned hardcore. Maybe it's the depression that accompanies the miscarriage, or maybe it's just the stress of going back to school. I don't know.

Right now, due to weather and stress, my fibromyalgia is killing me. The only good thing that has come from this miscarriage is the ability to take my muscle relaxers and ibuprofen again. The muscle relaxers I take are skeletal muscles only, so their not the kind that weird you out or cause addictions... they just make you feel like you're going to survive.

Fully caffeinated coffee is also a big plus.... but I would give up both to have baby back.

Mom told me today to continue taking my mucho expensive prenatal vitamins - in case I get pregnant again, and also just for good health. I'm not looking forward to the first one, but I know she's right.

I'm considering, when this miscarriage is over and done with, trying to completely cut out pop. I know I would be healthier, and then indulging in my cuppa wouldn't be that big of a deal.

I am sooooo not looking forward to Feast rehearsal this evening. Nor all day tomorrow. My left knee is having severe nerve pain. It seems like everything in my body has simply fallen apart since Monday, and I don't blame it.

Homework to be completed before December 12:
Book Report of "Still Bored in a Culture of Entertainment" due Monday
4 Forums
2 Movie Reviews ("The Mission" and "End of the Spear")
1 paper on the History of the Missionary Movement
3 Finals

Homework completed on Thanksgiving Break:
-Watched "The Mission" determined that re-watching "End of the Spear" would not be good for my mental state
- Wrote paper for Internship
- Wrote daily journal for Internship

Yeah, miscarriage caused a lot of homework to get pushed aside. I had planned on having everything completed. You see how well THAT worked.

Maybe a shower will make me feel better... then I get to pack and try to Ashland, then back to Grayson, then rehearsal. Whoopee.


I do not want to go back to school. Period. End of story.

It's not that I don't want to go back ever, I just don't want to go back this semester. I have so much homework that needs to be done... and I have absolutely no motivation to do it. I have found myself just wanting to sit and read...or sit and watch tv. In fact... I don't even want to read. And that in itself shows a lot.

I still have miscarried. I've been spotting, but not having "the worst period of your life, where you'll have to change your pad every hour." In fact, I've barely been spotting at all. As much as I want this over and done with... I don't want to lose my baby. I know I've already LOST my baby... but... it's hard to explain.

I'm supposed to call the doctors office on Monday to let them know if I've miscarried or not. If not, they are going to schedule a D&C. Problem: I still have 2 weeks of school, which includes a week of feast. I have reached my maximum absences in 2 classes because of the pregnancy and the back injury I suffered at the beginning of the pregnancy. According to Blair from The Heir to Blair, D&C's suck, and are very, very painful. After reading her description of them, I never, ever, want to have one. However... I also don't want to do something to screw up my chances of getting pregnant again. This baby was a shock - I thought I would have a horrible time conceiving. I don't want to encourage my PCOS into stepping back into the light.

I'm scared. I'm scared I won't be able to get everything accomplished that must be accomplished. I'm worried that I'm going to fail a class. I'm worried that I won't be able to get pregnant again.

Thanksgiving was one of the hardest things I've ever done... and it wasn't even until we had LEFT Carl's families that it got hard. I had a wonderful time with his family. No one mentioned the miscarriage... which I didn't like. I talked about it. It was such a big event in my life that I felt the need to discuss it, to talk about it... to share it. It seemed to make his mother uncomfortable, but thankfully, his sister could talk about it more freely. But when we were in the car on the way home... I started thinking about next thanksgiving... and how we wouldn't have the baby that I had imagined. How we'd be showing up with empty arms, when Carl's sister would have three little boys. It ripped my heart in two to think about it. I PRAY I'm pregnant next Thanksgiving. We have to plan it I'm not delivering during the semester. We'll have to see.

I'm scared to go back to school, because I'm scared of talking to people. We told waaaaaaaaaaaaay more people than I wanted too, but it just leaked out. Next time, no one knows until we pass twelve weeks. Period. Exclamation mark.

I should be in bed, I have a busy day tomorrow. I think I'll drink my wine, and try to sleep.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Life's not fair

I have never felt a bigger hole in my heart. In all the breakups I've had in my life. In all the deaths, this little peanut has caused the largest hole, the largest void. I am miserable, and yet there is no plausible end to the misery. It seems that everyone around me is pregnant now, and where before I felt a sense of sisterhood with them, I now feel pain.

"There's the baby" Then a long pause, "But, unfortunately, there's no heartbeat. I'm so sorry." I didn't realize that that one sentence would completely alter the course of my life. I'm a mom now, I just don't have a little person to hold in my arms.

You leave the doctor's office completely empty handed. That needs to be fixed. You need something, ANYTHING to walk out with that would allow you not feel so lost, so without hope. I used to make baby booties for premature babies... now I'm considering making miniature baby blankets for the mothers of miscarried babies. Some tangible that we can hold on to.

On the "mybump" pregnancy board, a woman spoke about burying her 13w baby. I don't think thats necessarily for me... but, I don't know. I'm looking for a necklace charm to add to my necklace. I already wear it in remembrance of Carl's uncle Butch (it was his Christmas present to me last year). I also am considering a tattoo, although I would probably wait until the 6 month anniversary to get it, and not be rash. Funny, six months from now I would have been 1 month from delivery.

I don't know what to do with myself. I have this week off from school for Thanksgiving, which is a complete blessing, otherwise I doubt I'd be functioning. But I have so much homework due, and I've managed to read one chapter. This weekend I was to worried about the appointment to do anything, and now I'm too depressed. I'm considering emailing my teacher and asking what I have to get done to pass the class. Me, the perfectionist when it comes to assignments, is to that point. Past that point actually.

I have Feast of Christmas next week, starting on Saturday evening actually. I pray, upon all prayers, that it will be a healing experience. So many people knew I was pregnant, and I dread the pity we'll receive from them. I didn't want to tell anyone until I was 12 weeks, until I'd hit that magic number, but we were so just leaked out.

I want to go ahead and miscarry and get it over with, but then I don't... It scares me that I'm about to lose the little person whom I loved so dearly for such a short amount of time. I pray that it was quick and painless, that her heart just stopped beating and it was peaceful. I pray she felt no pain. I know it's not my fault, yet I feel like my body is the biggest traitor of all time. I feel like punishing it, yet I know this is highly unhealthy. I plan on trying to work out, trying to get some of my pain and frustration out that way.

Maybe I'll start writing again, something I haven't done hardly any of in years. Yet, it feels good to write this. I know it's healing, and I pray for that healing.

Where do we go from here? Do we try again? Do we wait? I want to start right now, yet, I'm worried that this will happen again and I am totally unsure of how I would take that. I yearn for a baby, I yearn for a bundle in my arms. I yearn.

Being a pregnant person in college is very, very difficult. More difficult than words can express. This has also been one of the hardest semesters I've ever tackled. I only have two more to go. Do we wait until I'm done in December of 09? Do we wait until he's done in May of 2011? Can I wait that long? I know the answer to that - No, I cannot.

Where do we go from here?

Sunday, November 16, 2008


Dear Baby,

Your mother is a procrastinator. You will learn this very, very soon in life! Unfortunately, you HELP momma BE a procrastinator! There are so many interesting baby things for mommy to look up online that her homework gets pushed aside! And a lot of that homework is very, very due!

I have found my stroller however, and I want to order it soon!! Actually, as soon as I have my first ultrasound (It's only a week away! I can not WAIT to see you for the first time!!) I plan on trying to scrape together the money to buy it. It's on sale for $119.00. This is pretty cheap for a full size stroller!

Ah, there it is. That's the color's Mommy plans on doing your nursery in! Unless it turns out that there are two of you in my belly, I don't plan on finding out if you're a boy or a girl. I think those colors will work well with either, I can just add blue or pink!

We have a crib for my baby, but we need to buy a porta crib. This is what will be beside our bed, and what would travel with us when we go to either set of Grandparents. I really didn't like the one that Jen had when we babysat Rosie, because it sank down in the middle (the bassinet part). So, Mom and I did a walk through Babies R' Us and felt of every single play-yard. I really don't like the color of this one, but it was the cheapest, yet sturdiest one!

It costs $159 at Babies R Us and I can't even find it on Amazon! There are other choices, by Chicco. I don't like any of the colors of it either!

We've decided to buy a convertible car seat to try and save as much money as possible. I'm still up in arms about which one we should get. Oh well.

I've procrastinated enough. On to a movie review, and then a book review!


Sunday, October 26, 2008

Maternity clothes

Sad, I know, but I went maternity clothes shopping yesterday.
With the bloat and the 5 pounds I put on pre-pregnancy, my jeans were not going to be working very much, if any, longer. So, Momma and I (whom I had only told the day before) went a little crazy shopping yesterday!

I got 2 pairs of pants from JC Penney's. Normally $40.00 a pair, I bought one and paid $0.88 for the other pair! How awesome is that? At Target I got some great sale items. I got 2 shirts (identical, but one in black and one in a teal green color) for like $7 a piece. A brown shirt of $3 and a pair of black capri's for $6!

Old Navy I found a pair of Khaki capri's that I will only be able to wear from 6 months+ but thats okay, because it's too cold right now! I paid $4 for them! And a cute pair of jean shorts that I only paid $4 for as well!! I also got a $2 tank top that will be great for layering!

I'm wearing one of my maternity pants right now, and let me tell you... its the most comfy pair of pants I've ever worn!! I love them!!! I don't see why I wasn't wearing them before! LOL!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Husband (Carl) and I are expecting our first baby! This came as a shock. We're both college students (Although I am due to graduate in May), and were planning on waiting for HIM to graduate. However, we really couldn't be happier. Scared. But happy!

I'm scared right now, because I'm mildly cramping. All my buddies at tell me that its perfectly normal, and is probably just bowel or growing uterus related. I pray so! This is a surprise pregnancy, but that doesn't mean I'm not any less excited for it!!!

June 27th, 2009! I'm having me a Junebug!!!


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