Monday, February 28, 2011

My current PCOS regime

After having a cyst go explodey last month, I've started researching PCOS treatments again. My all-time favorite is an all natural progesterone cream, and if I have another cyst, I'll start using it again. It makes you CRAZY fertile though, but I think we're ready for kiddo take two.

The main way I'm treating my PCOS is by a change in diet. And ya know what? I've been doing pretty good this week! I even lost a few ounces, which, when all I HAD been doing was gaining, is pretty huge. My clothes are feeling like they might be not QUITE so tight as well... although that may be wishful thinking.

My diet changes are these. I'm either not eating breakfast, or eating a very late breakfast. Yes, I know, supposedly breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but according to Dr. Whitaker, skipping breakfast can help with diabetes. I'm treating my PCOS mainly as insulin resistency. Plus, I'm already high risk for being diabetic... PCOS just adds to that. I'm just attempting to nix it in the butt now (or at the very least, stay away from diabetes for as long as possible). So I'm skipping breakfast. I'm attempting to eat only after 11 am or noon. Sometimes I eat breakfast foods (oatmeal or whole-grain cereal) sometimes I skip straight to lunch food.

At some point during the day, I'm eating a big BIG salad. I use mixed greens (much healthier than iceberg!), broccoli slaw (BEST INVENTION EVER), a boiled egg, spinach, and a UBER tiny amount of ranch (or a simple lemon juice/EVOO dressing). Sometimes I eat this with a sandwich, sometimes by itself.

I eat a normal dinner (I.E. Whatever I fix my hubs) but I'm attempting to eat smaller portions. I think Nutrisystem would be amazing for me, but it isn't anywhere NEAR being in the finances for me. I love that their food is low-glycemic index! I'm attempting SO MUCH to eat as low-glycemic as possible. I honestly think that women with PCOS who have the funds should look into Nutrisystem!

I'm currently taking all my herbs and minerals at night, and then two more things in the morning. My mom (an RN) helped me research some things I was finding on inCYST and with the #PCOS tag on Twitter. After doing some research, my current vitamin regime is thus:

10,000 mgs Vitamin D
250 mg Magnesium (i HIGHLY RECOMMEND this for pregnant peeps. It keeps your swelling, blood pressure and leg cramps down! Its great for non-pregnant people as well!)
1,000 mg Fish oil
500 mg of Choline and Inositol*
500 (I think) mg of African Mango**
Whole Food Prenatal
250 mg Melatonin

* Choline and Inositol is something I discovered from the #PCOS tag on Twitter. It's not a miracle pill, but it helps your body work like it's supposed to, which, for people with PCOS is sometimes a difficult thing to do. It's found naturally in whole grains and things like Tofu.
** This is something that helps regulate your blood sugars, and is recommended by Dr. Oz and Dr. Whitaker. The plus? It's also a natural appetite suppressent.

I don't know if it's pyschological, or if its the Inositol/Choline & African Mango combination, but I have not had the munchies since I began taking these pills. It's magical. I just don't feel the need to eat in the afternoons/evenings like I did before. The only issue I'm having is with eating before bed, but I think that if I move my bedtime back some that'll help. When I eat at 6 and I'm awake until 2... I'm going to get hungry.

My water consumption and my exercise still need to go up. Like, desperately. But it's warming up here. Keevia and I can slowly start getting outside with her, and maybe walking more. I did carry 23+ lbs on my back for about 4 hours this weekend!

So there you go. Weightloss & PCOS. Maybe they can go hand in hand?

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Why do I keep from singing?

For those of you who may not know, singing has always been a big part of my life. Huge. Like, 95% of my time was devoted to it. I was choir(s), I sang solos in church, I led worship, I did 'entertainment' for a local festival. I sought out opportunities to sing as much as possible. I LIVED for choir. I LOVED singing for people. I actually started college as a vocal major, and then switched majors half way through mynsophomore year, but still graduated with a music minor.
When I wasn't singing with choir, or some other function, I was walking around the house singing whatever popped in my head. I swore that I had musical tourettes because I would randomly start singing something, or someone would say something that would spur a song cue. When I stepped into the shower, I gave an impromptu thirty minute concert for whoever was within hearing distance. I sang in the car WHEREVER we were going, usually at the top of my voice. I probably spent close to 4-6 hours singing a day.

I haven't sang in two years.

And it has absolutely nothing to do with the baby. Sure, it would be difficult to do much of anything with a 16 month old... but it really isn't her that is preventing me from doing what used to be my passion.

Today, I was blessed with the opportunity to go and see a childhood playmate of mine sing a recital. She did a co-recital actually, but in all honesty, I went with her. The stars were aligned, and somehow, I managed to go without my sweet baby girl (she was down for a nap about 10 minutes before I left).

So I went. I squeezed into a pew in the back as the announcer began talking. I sipped demurely from my water bottle, scanning the crowd. Then she began to sing her first piece "How Can I Keep From Singing?"

And it was gorgeous. Her tone was so crisp and clear, the notes just floated. I sat back in the pew and let the words flow over me. How do I keep from singing? Why do I keep from singing? I started crying as a piece was performed that I had performed before. I miss it.

While in the shower today, I started thinking. I do my best thinking in the shower. But I started thinking about why I don't sing anymore. And it's not just that I don't sing, it's that I will go out of my way to not sing. I've had numerous opportunities within the last two years, and when each one comes up, I conveniently find somewhere else to be, or some excuse to not perform.

My last semester of college, our choir was going to perform in Lincoln Center in NYC. The previous spring we had performed at Carnegie Hall. Carl and I had been engaged at the time, and had both went. It was wonderful. It was glorious. It was something I will forever be able to tell my children and my grandchildren. But the spring semester rolled around in 09 and the fees were due for the Lincoln Center trip.

The problem was, Carl and I were poor. Like, DIRT poor. I had raised the majority of my money the year before by writing letters and taking pledges, but I felt really, really bad about doing the same thing again. We pooled our funds, and had JUST enough money (well, almost just enough, we lacked about $200) for one of us to go.

I made the single most difficult decision of my life that day. I decided to drop out of choir and have Carl (the music major) go. I walked out of the music building knowing that I would never again sing with my college choir. Devastation doesn't begin to describe.

I'm not going to lie. I missed it like crazy that semester. Choir was an everyday class at our college, so Carl would leave to go, and if I were home, I'd just sit there, looking around the room. My entire time at that college, I had NEVER been free from 4-5 or 4:15-5:30. Ever. I had had choir almost every day that I had school.

And sure, it was nice to not be tied down to choir. But I missed it so fiercely. When they loaded up the bus to go to NYC, I was in shock almost that I wasn't going along. I was 13 weeks pregnant by that point, and deathly miserable with morning sickness... so I know that God has a plan, and looking back, I can clearly see that plan at work. But in the moment? I was just devastated.

I think that I have repressed all emotion surrounding that event. Surrounding that day I walked out of the music building, knowing I'd never go back. I know it sounds silly, but my identity was wrapped around being in choir. And when I was still at the college, and only sitting on the sidelines, I think it messed with me.

I realized today that I can't quit singing. Singing speaks to my soul. Whenever I'm down, there are songs that lift me up...regardless of the situation. I want to instill a love of music in my daughter... and I don't think it'll be all that difficult. But I want her to remember arias and showtunes... not because a famous opera singer sang them, or because she saw them on TV... but because she remembers her mommy singing them as she cooked dinner.

How can I keep from singing my song?

(This post is linked up to Serenity Now's Weekly Bloggy Read!

Thursday, February 24, 2011


I actually have gotten quite a few things done the last two days. More than seems normal for me! Ha!

I got all my paperwork in to work at the school. I'm excited that this means more income, and I'm so depressed because I have to leave my girl. THANKFULLY we live beside my parents and Mamaw can watch her. I know she'll be in excellent hands!

I got my taxes filed! Dear Government... Please hold off on all "Stops" until they go through. Then you may continue as needed. Thank you.

Ordered new checks. My pretty checks of the past are no more... I ordered plain ugly blue ones. :(

Nothing REAL exciting. I've been reading a little more. We may make a trip to try on Kelty Baby Carriers for Carl tomorrow or Saturday. We'd planned on going to Carl's parents, but 2 out of 3 children there have the flu. So...

Pointless post. Just me saying I'm excited to have paperwork done!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Dealing with grief

I've blogged numerous times before about my miscarriage. One of the key ways I dealt with grief was through blogging, and through connecting with other miscarriage survivor mommas. Some of which I'm friends with on facebook, some of which I still follow their blogs. I miscarried in December of 2008. As I've began traveling the roads of miscarriage blogs again, I feel my heart just weighted down.

It's so hard. It's so hard to read these blogs and not sob (and I usually end up sobbing) to know the pain their going through, and I'm going to offer them a blanket??? Am I crazy? Even two years later I feel the pain. The heart-wrenching, soul slicing, horrific pain that losing a pregnancy causes. And I feel so deeply for these women.

Maybe it's going to be good for me. I know I've not fully processed or mourned my loss. Maybe by mourning the losses of others, I'll mourn my own. Silly to think that after two years I haven't mourned enough, but its true. There's a girl who I used to go to church with who has a daughter born very close to my due-date. Whenever I see them out and about in town, my heart always hurts a little. Even though I have an almost 16 month old, I'm also supposed to have an 20 month old.

Before Christmas, I happened in on a Christian bookstore that was selling Willowtree at 50% off. After procuring my husband a Christmas present (as all our Willowtree was kind of Mom centered before that), I happened upon a little figurine I had never seen before. It was an angel holding the hands of a baby learning to walk. Tears immediately began flowing down my face. Keevia was just learning to walk at the time, and I knew I HAD to have that figurine. Right now it sits on our mantle, in between the figurine holding a lamb, and the 2 figurines holding an infant that I got for mothers day. The placement is perfect.

Grief isn't something that goes away, even for someone who "just had a miscarriage". If you have a friend or family member who has had a miscarriage in the past, please be sensitive. Even if they have living children, they still mourn the loss of their angel children, no matter how privately. Respect their pain, and be careful the words that you say.

Dealing with grief is forever.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

My New Parenting Philosophy

If anyone gets the "New Philosophy" reference, you automatically get 5,000 cool points.

I have a rather unique parenting style. Well, not really. I have a rather.... relaxed parenting style. Hence why I call my parenting philosophy "Relaxed Parenting". Catchy name, eh?

I do a lot of things that are considered "AP" (Attachment Parenting), but I can't get myself completely behind their discipline techniques (although I do implement a lot of them). I don't do CIO (Cry it out) for bedtime. I'm still (barely) breastfeeding at 16 months. I wear my baby whenever we're out and about, and a good bit at the house as well. I fully believe that an attached baby is going to be healthier and happier.

That being said? I've barely scanned my attachment parenting books. I don't know the theories and the reasonings behind why I do what I do. I do what I do because it works for me.

In fact, I've barely read any parenting books at all. Let me rephrase that, I haven't read any parenting books. I've checked Dr. Sears 'The Baby Book' occasionally to make sure my daughter is on track developmentally, but other than that? Yeah, no. Haven't read anything.

Does that make me a bad parent? Maybe. But if you meet my daughter, you would probably think differently. Other than being a little bashful at first, she is friendly, outgoing, well behaved, talkative, sharing, and genuinely a lot of fun to be around. Not that I'm the least bit prejudiced mind you.

I just go with the flow. If she's up until midnight one night? We try to get up a little earlier the next morning. If she's up til midnight two nights in a row? We change our bedtime routine. If she's up to midnight three nights in a row? We head to the chiropractor.

If she falls down? I pick her back up. I'm very much a "non-panic" momma. I distinctively remember, when she was JUST learning to walk, that she face-planted while we were at my in-laws. She started SCREAMING, but I could tell it was a mad scream, not a "I hurt something and now my world is ending" scream, so I just picked her up, snuggled her a second, and put her right back down going "You're okay!". My mother-in-law said something like "You're so relaxed! You didn't even panic!" and I responded with "Well, she face-plants all the time". She's right, I just don't panic.

Now, let me rephrase that. That doesn't mean that I don't EVER panic. But honestly? Looking back over the last almost sixteen months? I've really only panicked three times. First time was at 9 weeks when my daughter decided to roll off the bed. THANK GOD my mom is an RN. Second time was one of the many times she has choked on a piece of food, it wasn't really any worse than all the other times she has choked, but it scared me for some reason. Third time was when she had this whole bronchitis thing going on, and she was in her carseat crying, and threw up. I didn't even really panic when she got a stomach virus at Christmas, but I'm told that's because I didn't see her choke the first time she threw up.

My parenting mantra these days seems to be simple 'It's okay!'. Because it is. Spilled milk, strewn crunchies, poopy diapers, piled up toys, bruised knees, snotty noses... it's all part of being a kid, and all part of being a mom. Freaking out about it isn't going to help anything. I don't want my daughter to be high-strung. I want her to be go-with-the-flow. I gave her enough stress hormones during pregnancy, fearful of another miscarriage. I don't need to keep up the stressful environment.

So I still breastfeed, I still have her rear-facing, I wear my baby, I still co-sleep, I don't have a set bedtime, I don't have a set naptime, I cloth diaper and disposable diaper, I teach her signs, I teach her potty learning, I teach her to share.

And I don't read parenting books.


I linked up to Serenity Now's Weekly Bloggy Read!

Monday, February 21, 2011

Body Image

I have a horrible body image.

Well, no. That's not true. When there are no mirrors around, I feel GREAT in my body. My thighs bug me sometimes, but other than that... I have no issues with my body.

Then I see a mirror, and my whole world crumbles.

When we stay at my in-laws for visits, there is a mirror there that expresses how I feel on a daily basis. This mirror, which hangs above the bathroom sink, can give optical illusions. If you stand JUST RIGHT when turned to the side, it makes you look skinny. When I stand there, looking at myself in the mirror, I realize that how I look there is how I see myself. Then I take a step forward, or a step back, and realize how I really look to everyone else.

Blair said it best today, excuse me while I quote:
"On the flip side, I struggle with not becoming complacent in my body. I want to embrace my curves & accept the hips that could put J. Lo to shame, but I don’t want to use it as an excuse to the let the size in my jeans slowly crawl upwards. & so I struggle to find balance between positive body image but not settling."

That is me to a T. I don't want to be a size six, but I'd love to be a twelve. I don't want to look good in a bikini, but I'd love to be confident enough to wear a bathing suit.

I last weighed in at 246. And to be honest, I don't know what I weigh now. Last weekend we spent 10 hours in the car in 2 days. We ate fast food 2-3 times a day for two days. I tried to make healthier choices, but I failed a little. I had coke (when I had been SO GOOD).

Right now I'm making realistic choices. I don't buy coke or pop for the house. I don't buy it when I'm out. When Carl and I are out together, I'm okay with sharing a coke with him.

I'm still trying to up my water intake, and failing miserably. I KNOW I would feel better if I did.

I'm eating a biiiiiig salad for lunch everyday. I dress the salad with 1 tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil and lemon juice. I'm also starting to do a diabetic(I'm not diabetic but I am insulin resistant) with my mom on a daily basis.

The weather here has been much warmer, and I plan on enjoying it. Walks are in our future.

Small steps. I'm getting there.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Thank Heaven for Baby Carriers!

I have a sick baby. Not like super bad, but she has a slight cold. She just generally doesn't feel good and has a runny nose.

We went to Wal-mart this afternoon (the biggun, not the littleun), and Keevia had only napped about 30 minutes the whole day, so I knew it had the possibility of being a disaster, so I threw my Beco in the cart. THANK HEAVENS. She stayed in the cart about 20 minutes, and then she was done. She wanted down, but she was so tired I knew she'd be flopping everywhere and might get hurt... so I asked her if she wanted to go on my back, and she said yes (P.S. If you do sign language and babywear, what sign do you teach for being worn?). So I threw her up on my back.

She never fussed again. We were probably in the store for oh, I don't know, another hour or two, and she just hung out on my back, snuggled against me. She never did go to sleep, but was just content snuggling with me.

Plus, in the check-out line, a lady in line behind me goes "Can I ask where you got that carrier?" I SERIOUSLY need to make up business cards with my preferred brands of carriers! I told her Beco and recommended Ergo as well.

A plus of this trip, she actually didn't do her flop backwards thing. So I'm hoping maybe she's growing out of that stage? I have a Boba carrier on the way to me (yaaaaaaay!) for the entire reason of it was supposed to be "taller" than the Boba or the Ergo. You can guarantee that I'll have a post up soon as a review, and then maybe a comparison between my Beco Butterfly 1, Ergo Original and then the Boba 2g!

But seriously. Thank HEAVEN for baby carriers. It could have been a disaster of a trip, but she just snuggled in without a fuss! Makes my life so much easier!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

My PCOS journey

I blogged a little bit a week or so ago about my PCOS effecting my weight. I thought I'd delve in a little deeper to how PCOS has affected my life, and what I'm doing about it.

I never had really regular periods. I would sometimes go months in between periods. I started being visited by good ole' Aunt Flo when I was around 12-13 years old. By 15, they still hadn't straightened themselves out, so we headed to a gyno. Not uncommon they said, and put me on the pill. Ugh. The pill. Never again. I think I went through about 5 brands and never DID find one that didn't make me A) a horrible, horrible dirty word of a person. B) Have migraines so bad ON THE SAME DAY of my cycle that I couldn't go to school or even move very far out of the bed. or C) Screw up my hormones so badly that I was a basket case. Ultimately I stopped all of them because of the migraines.

Around that same time, I began getting cysts that would "explode". I had confirmed "multiple bilateral cysts" by ultrasound. I had several pelvic ultrasounds by the time I was in college! No luck. The Pill didn't help the cysts very much (not that I could tell, the migraines were too bad) and I was beginning to get miserable.

So. I took it in my own hands. I started watching what I ate more carefully. I desperately wanted to be a mom someday, so I fought for my body. I fought for my ovaries. I watched the carbs. I watched the glycemic index foods. I stayed far, far away from anything that had high fructose corn syrup in it (a contributing factor to PCOS in my humble opinion). I began using an all natural progesterone cream. And I got healthy. My periods evened out.

But I was still having cyst pain. I went in to a new OB/GYN on the suggestion of my family doctor (can I just pause to say how freaking HAPPY I am now that my family doctor got me into this office? One of the best in our area, and because I was an existing patient, I was able to go there when I did get pregnant. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to. SO HAPPY.). I LOVED this woman! She LISTENED to me. After we had tried a few things, she said "Well, what would you like to do?" and I suggested Metformin (glucophage) (which is a diabetes drug). She agreed we'd try it.

Magic. No pain! No cysts!

I'd say I stayed on it for about 6 months to a year? It was great. PCOS is caused by insulin resistancy and the glucophage makes your body recognize and use the insulin it already makes more efficiently.

When I got married, I went off the medicine, because it could have side-effects if I became pregnant. And I did (a few months later). And I miscarried. I became pregnant again two cycles later. It wasn't hard for me, but I hadn't had symptoms in months.

Now I'm 16 months post partum. I didn't start periods back until my daughter was 9 months old, but I was breastfeeding constantly. I'm still breastfeeding now, but we're down to about twice a day. And my periods are all over the place. I've only had about 4 in the past 7 months. The last cycle was 54 days long. And I KNOW I had a cyst. I felt it "form" on January 4th and I felt it burst on February 2nd. I started my period on February 7th.

So that's where I am. My symptoms are back. I cannot seem to lose weight (although it would help if I exercised, I'm sure). I'm at my heaviest ever. I'm trying to eat low-glycemic. I'm going on the cream again, and looking into D-Chiro-Inositol.

I'm currently taking 10,000 mgs of Vitamin D, 400 mg of Magnesium, a whole food Prenatal vitamin, 1000 mg of Fish Oil and 500mg of Green Tea extract. I plan on adding that D-Chiro-Inositol and Chromium to the mix soon. I do not plan on going on any medications to ovulate... we don't have the money, and I would rather do it as naturally as possible. I'm also not looking to get pregnant until I get this somewhat under control. I don't want to risk another miscarriage if at all possible.

So. That's where I am right now. I did it once, I can do it again.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Miscarriage/Infant Loss Ministry & Ministry in General

This past Sunday, I finally made it back to church. Due to various reasons, I hadn't been in a few weeks. I'm so glad I went, because the message was seriously just for me. Our pastor told us a story about how God was pushing him to not say 'I wish I could do soandso but I just don't have time'. He told us a story about how he had ministered to a family for hours, even though he just wanted to go home. He went over and over about how we always say we don't have time, and that that's not fair to God.

And it got me thinking. Which is never a good thing! I decided to open my heart up and see where God lead me.

Immediately I thought of my in-laws. When we stayed overnight at their house this weekend, their laundry was piled up something fierce. I wanted to do something about it that day, but my toddler was up until close to two am, and we wanted to get back to the hospital the next day.

But that laundry just stayed in my mind. So today, my mom, Keevia and I made the almost 2 hour trek (one way!) over to my inlaws house. I did 7 loads of laundry today. I knew that when they got home, the last thing my mother-in-law would want to do was laundry. She keeps my three nephews most days while my sister-in-law works and goes to school, so she has a LOT of laundry. Plus, they've been at the hospital for five days, so they'd have five days of dirty laundry.

I'm exhausted. But I am so happy I went. I left a bed full of folded clean clothes, and an empty laundry room and empty bathroom. All she'll have to worry about is the laundry they had from the hospital.

While I was in the shower the other day, I decided that I need to just take a leap. Since my miscarriage in November of 2008, I have had it on my heart to start a miscarriage/infant loss ministry.

When I found out I was pregnant, a family member began crocheting me a blanket. When I lost the baby, she stopped. But she bound it off and gave it to me. That unfinished blanket, that symbolizes the unfinished life... it just means so much to me. I want to pass that along to other families.

So, Rows For Remembrance is born.

The goal of this ministry is simple. If you have had a miscarriage, or suddenly lost a baby to stillbirth, or some disorder or something like that... then we will provide you a hand crocheted or hand knitted blanket, made specifically for your child.

Each blanket will be customized for you. If you knew the sex of the child you lost, you can specify for either girl or boy. If you didn't know the sex, but celebrated your child as a girl or a boy, you can specify that. However old your baby was weeks wise will be remembered in the blanket.

Each blanket will have 20 rows standard, then an additional row will be added for each week you knew and loved your baby. If you were 8 weeks (like I was) when you miscarried, then your blanket will be 28 rows. If you were 35 weeks when your baby was born sleeping, then your blanket will be 55 rows.

I'm starting a blog specifically for this purpose, so keep an eye out for that. But, if you would like to help produce these blankets, or if you would like to donate yarn (I'm not going to ask for money!), please feel free to contact me. If you would like to be a recipient of a blanket, you can contact me now, but the organizational period may take a little bit.

If you can't help by knitting, crocheting, or providing yarn... could you please pray for this ministry? I'm a miscarriage survivor. I know how hard it is to go through it. I want to minister to these families, to give them something to remember their sweet ones with. Eventually I'd love to branch out to SIDS or other baby/child losses.... but for now, we're sticking with Miscarriage and Infant loss.

Thank you!


Check out the Rows For Remembrance Blog! I just got it up today.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentines Day Sweetheart!

I have always been a creative writer. I found a story not too long ago that I wrote in like the third grade. It had to do with rats and outer-space. It was ROCKSTAR let me tell you. I wrote all through high school as well, always having ideas running around in my head. If you knew me in college, and had classes me with, you probably saw my dutifully taking notes, right? Yeah, I was probably working on a story, or an idea for a story. I have almost zero notes to show for my 4 years of college.

But I don't write poetry. I suck at it. Like, really, really bad.

But I wrote poetry in high-school. Not a lot, but probably around 15 poems. Mainly centered around the boy-who-stole-my-first-kiss (who shall remain nameless!) and Carl, and all the angst and teenage lovesickness that follows any high-school love interest.

I had Carl dig out some boxes of books from the shed last week, so I could try and do the Buyback thing on Amazon. In doing so, I uncovered some journals, and one of those journals had all of my high-school poetry in it. Including the poem I wrote to Carl that got our entire relationship started. I'd like to share that with you today, and have it saved a bit more permanently.

When we were in high school, Carl and I were both members of the worship band. We'd went to freshman prom together as friends. In December, at my best friends sleepover, I was sitting on the couch. Carl's sister was sitting at my feet. I don't remember what we were doing, but I do remember her looking up at me all of a sudden, and going "You know my brother is in love with you, right?"

No. I didn't. I had no idea (I think I've been oblivious like that for years!). We went to prom together as friends. We hung out a lot. But I had no EARTHLY idea he liked me.

Fast forward to Valentines Day. I went with said best friend to the Valentines Day Dance at her school. I danced with a couple of people, and had a good time. Suddenly, "All My Life" came on. I looked across the cafeteria, and there was Carl, pantomiming that he was dancing with someone. Without thinking, I ran across the cafeteria and slid into his arms.

A few dances later, he saved me from dancing with someone I REALLY didn't want to by saying I was 'his girl' and then leading me out on the floor again. Suddenly, I was feeling things I had never felt for him.

I remember sitting on the steps, leading out of the school, waiting for my mom (or his mom, I don't remember) to come get one of us. It was just me, Carl, and Julie, and we just sat there and talked. Suddenly, all these feelings I didn't know I had, came bubbling to the surface.

I'm very shy when it comes to boys, so of course I couldn't come out and say I liked him. So I wrote this poem, and I laid it on his drums before praise-band rehearsal. I didn't sign it. After the rehearsal, we talked on MSN messenger (OLD SCHOOL) and he asked if I knew who had written it. He thought another girl (who was in praiseband) had written it, but I fessed up. He asked me out, and I said I'd have to "think on it" and I'd give him my answer the next day. The next day I said yes. We started dating on March 22nd, 2003.

Silence in the night,
Tenderness unheard of,
A whisper in the dark,
My words are never heard.

A scream inside my head,
Will never be sounded,
I cover it up with the feelings I don't posses.

Whisper in my ear,
Tell me how I feel,
My eyes burn with tears left uncried,
I can't understand what I'm feeling inside.

I want to push it all away,
I don't want to hurt you,
I want you to understand,
I love you a little, but not quite enough.

I fear of breaking your heart -- not mine,
For mine has been broken before.
I'm afraid of swerving, when you'll stay so true.
I'm so very afraid of hurting you.

I don't know what I'm going to do,
I know I'll try to get over you.
I know you wish for something more,
But maybe someday you'll really know.

I care about you more than I understand,
And I don't know how to express it.
I want to just be your friend,
But I don't know how long I can take it.

Romantic, huh?

Happy Valentines Hubby. I love you more than life itself. Thank you for being there for me every single day. Thank you for vacuuming, and giving K a bath. Thank you for being THE most patient and understanding husband in the world. I love you.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

A Whole Blog About Nothing

It has been a crazy weekend. Like, mondo crazy. My mind is blown by how tired I am, but I wanted to beseech all my readers (49 official followers! WOW!) to please be in prayer over the situation.

On Thursday, I received a scary phone call from my sister-in-law. My father-in-law was headed to a hospital in Kingsport, TN after having some tests done. He has pulmonary embolisms (blood clots in his lungs) and needed to receive medication and have further tests done. He's having his biggest (and scariest) test done tomorrow. Due to the families wishes, I won't go into details, but I would love it if you would all pray many, many prayers over him. And, at 9 in the morning, if you think about it, I'd love for you to pray for him then! That's when the test is scheduled to take place.

It was around 1 or 2 in the afternoon when we received the phone call that he was heading to the hospital. My husband left work (with permission) and came on home. We were unsure about if we'd be traveling to Kingsport (a 3 hour trip) that evening or the next day... or what really. I ran to town, dropped off some books with Amazon's Buy Back program, and attempted to get my TB test for my school physical read. Then I came home and packed. After talking with the in-laws, we played the "wait-and-see" approach. I ended up cooking around 4-5 pm, and while doing so, ended up giving myself and Carl 2nd degree burns on our faces. I was frying a steak in olive oil and butter (too much butter...) and I accidentally DROPPED the steak in, causing the BURNING HOT OIL to splatter both me and Carl. He has one burn RIGHT in the corner of his eye. I have one on my nose, one in between my eye brows, and one over top of my right eyebrow. I can't look any worse than I did in July though, when I had poison oak, so I don't sweat it.

We finally headed out around noon on Friday. Later than I would have liked to have left, but we were trying to see what the doctors said. We got to the hospital around 3:30 (after a few mis-directions... but we made it just fine!), and spent some time with Nudder'Papaw. We tried to keep Keevia up off the floor as much as possible to limit her germ exposure, but she had fun climbing all over Mamaw and Papaw, and being doted on as the only available grandchild (she normally vies for their attention against her three first cousins). We went out to eat with my mother-in-law that evening around 6-7 (I don't remember) so she could show us how to get to the street with the eats (since we didn't come in the right way, lol). We had Pratt's Barbeque, which was pretty decent! Once we dropped her back off at the hospital at 9, we trekked 2 hours back to Carl's grandparents house. I got to cross Black Mountain (the highest mountain in Kentucky!) at 11 pm at night!

It became quickly apparent, during that night-time trip, that a portable DVD player must be acquired soon. Keevia does FINE in the car during the day. She naps well, she coos and talks to us (she's still rear-facing). She "reads" her books. She does fine. But when the darkness falls across the land... yeah, not so much. She does NOT want to go to sleep usually (no matter her level of tiredness). If she does go to sleep, she doesn't stay asleep. And if she's awake, she's screaming bloody murder. Even if someone sits in the back with her... UNLESS you have the iPod touch with Wiggles podcasts. Then she's fine. But those podcasts are only about 4 minutes long. And I can only watch the same one 50 times before I'm begging for another option. So, with some of that Amazon Buyback credit, I have a feeling Keevs is going to get a DVD player.

We stayed the night at the inlaws (finishing season six of Greys Anatomy on Netflix that we started LAST weekend there...), and then got up and went back to the hospital. We stayed an hour or so, and then, in an effort to distract her, I got my mother-in-law out of the hospital and went shopping at TJ Maxx and K-mart. I got a pair of dress pants at TJ Maxx for $5. I could not be happier. I desperately needed them for when I start subbing. I seriously have no clothes that fit right now, and as I plan on not being this size much longer, I don't want to buy an extensive wardrobe to fit my size *gulp* 18/20 frame. But I can fit $5 in my budget. I also scored a pair of $5 pants at K-Mart! But these are lounge pants, not dress ones.

Nudder'Mamaw also got Keevia the CUTEST TUTU IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. It's a size 6, so it should fit for a while. I put her in it in the store to just see what it looked like, and she was ADORABLE toddling around in it.

Keevs fell asleep on the ride back to the hospital, so I called Carl down to the van, and we started home around 6pm. We ate at Zaxby's (yuuuuuuum) before heading out, and I was stupid and didn't get a coffee at Starbucks. I regretted that the eeeeeentire way to Norton when Carl had me take over driving just out of the Kingsport city limits!

We went for very, very depressing reasons, but Carl and I still had an enjoyable weekend. We love spending time with our family, I just wish it hadn't been in a hospital room. We discovered "Pal's" restaurant, and drank way too many Route 44's.

We stopped at the Wise/Norton Wal-mart on our way back home, and changed Keevia's poopy diaper. I went ahead and put her in PJ's on the (very) off chance that she'd fall asleep and stay asleep. I changed her in the family restroom, and somehow, I left her totally adorable pink penguin Robeez there. I called this morning, but no luck. Y'all, I cannot begin to describe how upset I am over this. I have NO idea how I did it. It literally makes my heart hurt, because I planned on daughter #2 wearing them as well. I love Robeez.

This is a big post of nothing, I know. Please be in prayer for my father-in-law, and for our entire family. Pray for peace through whatever the test holds tomorrow. Pray for guidance, and pray for wisdom for all of us. But mainly, pray that the test comes back clean, and that the blood clots dissolve quickly and safely!

Friday, February 11, 2011


This may be a controversial post. Maybe not. Who knows?

I don't believe in divorce. Not shocking by the fact that I proclaim to be a Christian. But I don't. Now, let me pause and say that I don't believe in divorce in most instances.

If someone is in an abusive relationship, or has been cheated on repeatedly and the other person will not change... then I believe in divorce. I don't think God made us to be miserable, and people DO change. Usually there is some life-altering event that causes them to do so, but they do change. And I think God generally wants us to be happy, and if we're in a miserable marriage, we aren't going to be happy.

Carl and I entered into this marriage with one key point in mind: Divorce is not an option. It's something we discussed heavily before marriage, and it's kind of a mantra we have. The best thing? I know that if we have some sort of fight (which really? We haven't yet) that if we need to walk away and cool off for a few minutes, I don't have to have that fear that he's walking away forever. Divorce isn't an option.

I think that a lot of the reason that divorce rates are so high in this country (and ESPECIALLY in Christian colleges) is that the people in the marriage don't get to know one another well enough. We all put on masks and facades, and when we do that, we never show our true selves to our significant others. It's depressing really. I was guilty of the same thing with Carl. The only difference was that usually when we broke up, we went back to being best friends. And the masks came off when we were friends.

A lot of Christian college people rush into marriage so that they can attend to their, uh, more carnal pleasures, without feeling guilty. And that's not right either. Yes, God blesses sex in marriage... but it doesn't mean you should get married so that those little joyrides you're taking won't make you feel so bad.

It just irks me that people take marriage so lightly anymore. Like it's a temporary relationship, always looking to the next person.

I have lots of friends who are divorced, and honestly? I don't judge them. I don't judge them because I wasn't in their marriage. I don't know what went on behind the closed doors. I don't want to offend any of my friends who read this. I really, really don't.

I think that people just don't think marriage through a lot of time, and I believe more people need to enter in with a "Divorce is not an option" attitude, and less of a "Where's husband #2?"

Thursday, February 10, 2011

So I have this friend...

who makes underwear.

Who would have thought I was going THERE with that post?

My best friend, Jewels, (and maid of honor!) is seriously the most ambitious person I know. I mean, what else do you call it when she single-handedly sold over 10,000 boxes of Girl Scout cookies? Or when she was DETERMINED to go to an Ivy League college from our little podunk town? She has triumphed over Organic Chemistry, and used it (and her entrepreneurship skills) to co-create her own company.

Lets go back to how we met.

To be honest, I'm not real sure of our first official meeting. I think we were 5 or 6 years old, and it was probably when I joined the Brownies group that her mother was the leader of. I remember a play-date not too much later where she and I played in the yard while her Mom sat on my grandparents porch and carefully observed the girl who was playing with her daughter. Now, as a mom, I totally respect her mother for doing this!

I don't know when we became best friends either, but 99.9% of my childhood memories encompass her. We were in Girl Scouts together, in the same Home School support group, did gymnastics together, and went to the same church/in the same youth group. We were literally inseparable.

Like most girls, we had our ups and our downs. Especially when it came to boys. We had big, huge fights, and then would make up not to long afterward. I can really only remember what one fight was about now, and I remember how we cried together when it was resolved.

When we entered into high school, she decided to take the plunge and entered into public school, while I stayed being home schooled. It never phased her though, and she continued to invite me to anything she did. It was at one of her sleepovers that my (now) sister-in-law basically whacked me upside the head and went "HEY STUPID! My brother is in love with you!" Her house still feels like a second home to me, even though I haven't spent much time in it these last few years.

She took on all the "big" classes in high school, fighting hard for her grades. She was the co-valedictorian of our class, and went on to attend Brown University. Although I've never really forgiven her for moving so very, very far away... I could not be prouder of her. I have been promising her a visit for oh, 6 years now? And I promise to some day make that visit come true!

Her senior year of college, she took an entrepreneurship class. She and some other lovely people came up the idea of period underwear. She's always been rather concerned with cute undies, as I can attest because we went shopping together 3,534 times. So it makes sense that this would be her niche! After the class, she and her friend Eunice began looking into the idea more heavily, and low and behold, Eulie was formed.

This past week they launched the internet pre-sale of their ADORABLE panties. Now, I haven't tried them yet, but I know that if Jewels endorses them, that they have to be fabulous. To be honest, for me, a stay-at-home mom on a VERY fixed budget, they're a little high price-wise. But, you have to remember that they are BOUTIQUE undies! And the purpose of them is really spot-on (haha). They have 3 layers of wicking/absorbent material that is also stain resistant. Then they have a final layer that acts as a leak-resistant layer, keeping all of the, ahem, accidents from showing up on your white jeans (really, who would wear such a thing?).

I think that they are adorable. And I really, really could not be prouder of her for all of this! I'm anxiously awaiting a phone call so we can catch up in the upcoming days!

There are still 157 pairs of "Preview Sale" undies available, so be sure to check them out!

P.S. If you watch the video, that's my girl right there!

DIY Goodness - Natural Cleaning Products!

So, I really should be working on my freelance stuff right now. But I'm not. I wanted to post today, and seeing as I have 34 minutes to accomplish that...

I've been on numerous message boards recently that have had natural cleaning products questions. I use a lot of "natural" stuff around the house. I am not, in any way shape or form, "green". In fact, I don't believe in climate change but that is a WHOLE nother post. I do these DIY cleaners because I have severe chemical allergies. I literally cannot walk down the cleaning aisle at Wal-mart without getting short of breath, my eyes watering, and I start coughing uncontrollably. It also is usually followed by me starting to itch, which, if you know me in real life you know the rash isn't pretty!

Anyway. I make a lot of my home cleaning products because of this. This post is a list of sorts, of my favorite cleaners and my favorite tips and tricks!

DIY Laundry Detergent.

There is both a liquid and a powder version of this. The powder is simpler, so we'll do it first

Washing Soda - You want SODIUM CARBONATE not sodium BICARBONATE. Look at me! Being all chemistry and stuff... (Note: I currently use baking soda. It does a great job. I plan on TRYING the washing soda, but I've heard it can cause scalding in sensitive skin. I have numerous friends who use it without problems!)
20 Mule Team Borax - Easily found at your grocery store or Wal-mart, look in the laundry
Oxiclean FREE powder

I just take equal parts of all three (depending on the size of my container) and shake them all together. I then use 1-2 big serving spoons (probably a 1/4 of a cup) in my laundry. It is not a high suds-ing soap, so don't freak out. It cleans my dear husbands stinky socks and sweaty shirts, and ladies and gentlemen, my husband WORKS all day. He usually comes home with sweat stains on the back of his shirts from his labors of the day. If it cleans his stuff, it'll clean anyones.

Ivory Soap or Castille Soap - Ivory shaves easier. Castille is even "more natural" to me. I bought my Castille at Cracker Barrel of all places.
Washing Soda

For this recipe, you're going to need a funnel, a grater of some kind, a kettle, and 2 clean gallon jugs.

Grate 1 bar of soap into the kettle. Put enough water to ALMOST cover the soap into the kettle, and then melt the soap on low. This can take 20 minutes sometimes. While that's melting, using your funnel, add 1/2 cup of washing soda and borax to each (clean) gallon jug. Once the soap mixture is melted, half it between the two jugs. Fill to the top with HOT tap water. Viola! You're done! It will separate some, but all you have to do is shake it before using. I use about a 1/4-1/2 cup per load (I don't really measure...)

My friend Tammy also has an awesome recipe on her blog. I haven't tried it yet, but once I run out of stuff, I plan on it! Check it out!

Other cleaning methods:

Here is my main advice. Buy lots of lemons, and lots of pure distilled vinegar. These two things are your BEST FRIENDS when it comes to cleaning.

The smell of vinegar doesn't bother me, and it disappears once it dries. If it does bother you, invest in some all natural essential oil drops and add them to the mix. Or add some lemon juice/zest.

All Purpose Cleaner:
1/2 cup pure distilled vinegar
3 cups tap or distilled water

It's that easy folks. Feel free to add lemon juice or essential oils. Just keep it in a sprayer and use on EVERYTHING. I clean my counters with it, my bathrooms, my windows, my sinks... pretty much everything. Vinegar kills mold. Trust me. I cleaned my back door with it (which was DISGUSTING) and it did a FABULOUS job.

Straight lemon juice works GREAT on a glass top stove. Just squeeze it on and let it sit for up to 30 minutes, then spray it down with water or the vinegar mixture, and it wipes right up!

Use newspapers when cleaning your windows (with the vinegar solution) for a really streak free shine!

Use banana peels to clean your leather with. Don't laugh, it works!

Microwave 1/3 cup of vinegar and 2/3 cup of water until a full roiling boil takes place. Let sit in the microwave for 5 minutes. Open the door, remove the hot liquid, then wipe down the microwave walls. It gets all that stuck on food OFF!

Mix up cornstarch and water to make a paste. Using a sponge (like the ones with the rough side?) scrub it onto your glass shower doors. Just scrub like crazy, and it gets ALMOST all the soap residue off! (This would probably work much better if you did it more often than me....)

There's a great looking home-made deodorant recipe here that I'm dying to try. As soon as I use up one of my deodorant thingies.

I also have, on various occasions, went "poo-less" or have not used shampoo. The longest I went was about 4 months. Don't freak out! My hair was the healthiest it has EVER been. I simply took about 2 tablespoons of baking soda into the shower with me, dampened it, and then massaged it into the roots of my hair. Once I had massaged my whole scalp, I took a comb and combed it through my hair. Then, I rinsed. Once it was all rinsed out, I took a tall glass, filled it with a couple of tablespoons of apple cider vinegar, and then filled it the rest of the way with water. I stuck my ponytail (or the main length of my hair) down in that, and let it soak a minute or two. Then I would pour it over my head (careful not to get it in my eyes) and wash my body, then right before I would get out, I would rinse my hair. When you could no longer smell the vinegar smell, you knew you were good. My hair has never, ever been so soft. The only reason I stopped doing it was that it WAS time consuming. And I was lucky to get a shower some days (still am). It became easier to just use shampoo (and at that time my hair was LONG for me). I also found the Tresemme Naturals line, which I loved.

These are just the ones I use the most. Salt and Baking Soda work great when you need to scrub something (baking soda works great for tile!).

With a 15 month old, I really want my house to be as clean and sanitary as possible, but I don't want to freak out about chemicals, and I'm honestly trying to limit her chemical exposure.

All of these tips and tricks have saved me some serious cash. The only real cleaning product I purchase is Dawn dish soap (and I do use Purex laundry soap some too!). If anyone has a rock star recipe for making their own dish soap, lemme know... because I haven't been real happy with the ones I've tried!

If you have any questions, shoot me an email or leave me a comment!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Keevia at 15 Months

This post is a little late, but I wanted to make it to her 15 month appointment first!

At Fifteen Months :

- You are 23 lbs and 32 inches! Your head is 54 cms, which, per usual, is off the growth charts!
- You went from 25th% in weight to 50th% and from 50th% in height to 90th%! In just 3 months! You now have the head of a normal 4 year old. See why we're still rear-facing?
- You can now RUN where-ever you want! You're so hilarious! You have this little arm swing you do!
- You can do the motions to "Itsy-Bitsy Spider", "Pat-A-Cake", "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes", "Rock-A-Bye Your Bear" and... some other wiggles song I can't think of.
- You ADORE the Wiggles (and the youtube video Giggle with the Goats!)
- You've discovered what a computer is and you want to watch videos on it whenever anyone has one out!
- You LOVE to eat! There really isn't anything that you don't like!
- You've finally discovered books! You won't let us read you a full one yet, but you'll "read" to us. ADORABLE.
- You jabber constantly. I'm beginning to make out not just words, but sentences. Last night I said "Um, Keevia? That thermometer really doesn't go in the wall" and I heard you say, clear as day "I want it to blahblablhalblah" CRAZY that you're talking!
- You finally learned to sit up on your own! This took a while, that big head weighed you down!
- You can pull up on anything. Doorjam, chair, stack of books, etc. But, you cannot get yourself to standing in the middle of the floor. Your head is just too heavy!
- You love to snuggle! When you aren't on the run, you snuggle up with Mommy and talk to me.
- You adore pulling up your Mamaw's shirt and "tickling" her belly to watch her squeal!
- You "love" your baby when asked too. Giving it a hug and going "Ahhhhh"
- You give splendiforus kisses and hugs!
- If Mommy is hugging anyone, you will run up and hug the back of my legs!
- You can sign: bird, dog, cat, more, nurse, hungry, bath and you've made up your own sign for wiggles!
- Your vocabulary is kind of small right now, but I think you're close to talking!
- You LOVE to get in Mamaw's cabinets and see what treasures you can find!
- You despise having your diaper changed. You also aren't a big fan of finger nail clippings or toe nails... I keep trying to tell you it's a manicure, but you just don't believe me.
- You love to "cook" with Mommy or Mamaw. You get a pot and spoon and stir away!
- You ADORE your sippy cup. You drink about 5-6 6oz sippies of milk a day, and 1-2 of juice.
- You're such a ham! You make the funniest faces!
- You can locate and point to: Your belly, ears, nose, mouth, teeth, toes, and head!
- You are very, how shall we say, opinionated in matters. You enjoy letting us know those opinions as well!
- You now have 6 teeth!!!! Three on the bottom and three on the top (and they're on matching sides!). What can I say? You're original!
- You are now in 18 & 24 month shirts and 18 month pants (and still some 12 month pants). You wear size 3 shoes, and 6-12 month socks. You hate jackets, but tolerate pull overs okay. You wear 18 months or 24 month sleepers. Where has my tiny baby gone???
- You still wear size 3 diapers (and medium cloth diapers), but I think when we go to Lexington to get diapers the next time, I'll be buying size 4's!
- You had your first ear infection the week after Christmas, and also had bronchitis.
- You sleep through the night almost every night. If you don't, you usually have a belly ache. You sleep in your crib really well, but after your little sicky episode, you've spent the majority of nights in bed with me. If your Daddy quarantines himself off into the guest room (like he is now with a 101.6 fever) I usually just keep you in my bed so we'll get more/better sleep. I adore waking up to your sweet face!
- You're still nursing, although definitely not as strong as you were! You nurse about 2-3 times a day now, and sometimes more or less. I know you're weaning slowly, and it's breaking my heart!

You have the best personality. Seeing how giving you are with others at such a young age just melts my heart. And the fact that you are so affectionate, even to people you don't know very well. You always have a smile, and a finger wave for everyone. You light up my world little girl. I love waking up with you in the mornings. I love watching you get so excited about food, or about a doll, or a balloon. I love the way your whole face lights up. I love when you throw your hands to your mouth in a "uh-oh" gesture. I love every stinking thing about you and I can't believe you've been with us for 15 months... yet, I can't imagine not having you. What did I do with my days? With my time?

I cannot wait to continue to watch you change and grow. Girl, you ARE amazing. You're smarter than me already, and I adore watching your mind work. You challenge me every day: My patience, my heart, my mind. And I love you more for it.

I can't wait for you to grow up, and play tea parties, and dress up, and school. Yet I love the simply joy that a bowl and a spoon brings you right now. Stay little my baby girl.

Mommy loves you.

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Dilemma of the SAHM

I've found something out about our culture that really bothers me.

Whenever I go places with my husband, and see people we haven't seen in a while, I get asked the same question.

"Are you working anywhere?"

Right now I answer:

"I'm freelancing right now, but I'm about to start subbing at a local school."

The response? EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

"OH!!! That's wonderful! I'm glad you're finally starting to work!"

I don't want to work. I don't want to leave my 15 month old at home with my Mom. I don't have ambitions beyond raising my children and keeping my house. Does this make me a bad person? No! I don't belittle the mothers who DO have ambitions. I don't hate on the moms that DO work full time or part time... this is NOT a "I'm superior because I stay at home with my kids" post.

I just think that it is so sad that our society thinks that a mom HAS to work. For the Moms that want to? Great! But for those of us who WANT to stay home. Who realize what a full time job it is. Who want to home-school our kids. Who HAD children so we could cram in as much time with them as possible? It's demeaning. It makes us feel like we aren't worth anything to society when A) We aren't working or B) We don't WANT to work.

It's not that I want to sit on my rear-end all day and watch soap operas. On the contrary. I want to write. I want to craft with my daughter. I want to be able to take her to the lake and show her the ducks on a Tuesday. I want to be able to take off with my Mom to Lexington whenever I want. I want to be able to have dinner on the table as an act of love and not an act of responsibility when my husband gets home work from. I want to be able to cuddle a sick baby all day. I want to be home.

Yet society dictates that I need to work. It dictates that I'm not being fruitful unless I hold down a job of some sort. And that irks me. It bothers me. Frankly, it pisses me off.

Financially, I DO need to work right now. And I'm okay with it. Not happy about it, but okay with it. I'll manage. But I'd rather stay home, and I would love that, in the future, if I were to answer the question with:

"No, I'm not planning on working anywhere right now. I'm just staying home with the kids"

That I would still get the same enthusiastic response.

Fear of failure or success?

Blair, from Heir to Blair, raised some excellent points in her McFatty Monday post today. It wasn't the traditional post, which I like. I love how she changes it up, and forces us all to really THINK about stuff.

I honestly don't know if I've lost anything or not. I don't believe that I have. Nothing is fitting better. I didn't do horrible this week, but again, I didn't do great. I went pop-free for numerous days, but caved on the weekend.

I'm currently working portion sizes. I have a bunch of those kids plates (You know? The ones with different characters on them?) and that's what I am eating my dinner off of every night. It's a smaller plate, so it forces me to eat smaller portion sizes. My goal is to eat a small plate of dinner every night, a bowl of cereal or oatmeal every morning, and veggies & dip or veggies & hummus (plus a small sandwhich or something of the like if I'm VERY hungry). Fruit or yogurt for an afternoon snack. Milk, juice and water for drinks. I'm not denying myself something if I crave it, I'm just modifying what I eat. Like... if I want a chocolate cupcake or something, I eat a piece of Dove dark chocolate. If I still want a cupcake? I wait a while and have another piece. I'm getting my chocolate fix in a 'better' way. If I want potato chips? I either get out about 5-10 chips or I fix some popcorn and use extra salt on it. It works fairly well.

I'm trying not to make excuses for myself, because I feel like that is how I got to the weight I am. Ignoring the situation and making excuses for myself. However, this was a hard week for me, and I'm wondering if my situation may have to do with me feeling so bloated STILL.

I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and have had it since I was oh, about 15. I have painful cysts with it that "burst" and cause, well, quite a bit of pain. It also throws my cycles into disarray. I haven't dealt with cysts in about three years, and I honestly didn't remember how my body processed them. On January 4th, I thought I might be getting a cyst... and I was right. I hadn't had a period since Dec. 12th. This past Wednesday I felt my cyst "explode". I've been in pain, running a low grade fever, and feeling like a balloon since that point. I had the most hormonal, emotional weekend I have had in...well, since I was pregnant with Keevia. I literally could not deal with my emotions. I had zero patience (even with my daughter). I cried over EVERYTHING and nothing at the same time. I was pissed off for no reason whatsoever. I was just miserable, with nothing MAKING me miserable. It. Was. Awful.

But!!!! I started my period today!!! Maybe my hormones will even out!!! I know that having PCOS makes it harder for me to lose weight, but I don't want to hang out on that assumption. I don't want to go "Oh, I have PCOS, I can't lose weight" and never fight. I want to FIGHT IT.

I'm afraid too... and I don't know what I'm afraid of. Afraid of change? For whatever reason, exercising is the most difficult part of weightloss for me. I struggle with willpower too, but exercise is really my Achilles hill. I sit around and THINK about it a lot, but I never actually DO it. I know I'm afraid of hurting myself. Not the aching muscles and the like, but of pulling something, or knocking a hip or my back out (don't laugh, it's happened), and not being able to take care of Keevia. I'm afraid of hurting my ankle that I cracked back in July. I'm afraid of a lot of things.

But mostly I'm afraid of staying this way. I'm afraid of looking at pictures of myself for the next whoknowshowlong and HATING myself in the pictures. Hating my double chin. Hating my arms. I have a gorgeous daughter. I want to be in pictures with her and not hate how I look.

I'm afraid of passing my bad eating habits on to my daughter. I'm afraid of passing my lazy habits on to her to. Unless she gets her Aunt Steph's metabolism, she is going to struggle with weight, and I hate that for her. But maybe if I instill this stuff early, it'll stick.

Although I'm afraid for myself, I'm more afraid for her... and I think that that is going to win out.

Friday, February 4, 2011


This has been a rough week. Trying to freelance with a 15 month old is not recommended.

We're chilling out at the Nudder Mamaw's tonight, and possibly going to Keevia's Great-Great Grandma's birthday party tomorrow (how many people can say THAT?).

I have some awesome posts coming up for you, you know, once I have a chance to breathe.

- Recession Proof Your Pantry
- D-I-V-O-R-C-E
- The Dilemma of the SAHM
- "Relaxed" Parenting

That's just a preview!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Apparently, I could be a good criminal.

I'm in the process of becoming a Substitute teacher at the school I graduated from. I was home-schooled from birth until I was a Junior in high school. In order to be able to take free college classes, and to make getting into college a little easier (diploma vs. a home made diploma), I decided to go to a small local school for the last two years. We'll touch more on that experience later. :)

In order to become a sub, I have to undergo an FBI back ground check. You know, because it's not like I haven't lived in the same town for 23 years (minus college). It's not like everyone doesn't know me, my mom, or my grandfather. But whatever, I understand it's the rules.

So I paid the hefty little fee, and went down to the police office to get my fingers printed. After some kind bad twisty finger pain (it sucks to be tall. Very much sucks), I took the prints back to the school office and went on my merry way.

I get a phone call a few days later saying I need to be re-printed. Okay. No problem.

On Friday Mom kept Keevia so I could clean Doc's office and once it was done, I went to run more errands. So I went up to the office and got another card, then went back to get printed.

Half way through the first hand, it becomes apparent that I'm not leaving good prints. The entire middle part of each finger is blank. So, they tell me to go get another card. Nay, two more cards "just in case".

So I do so. Then I was my hands as SOON as I get in there, so they're all clean.

Card #2 of the day, #3 overall... And my fingers are still smudging. By this time I'm on my 3rd cop.

All in all, it took both cards to get decent prints. But the prints aren't on the same card. So we sent both cards, and I'm crossing my fingers they accept one of them.

Apparently I have oily finger tips (which, included with how much paper I handle from reading) means I leave really craptastic finger prints.

I'd be the perfect criminal!