Thursday, September 29, 2011

It's the little things...

Sometimes I go days, or weeks, without thinking of my grandparents. This month they've been on my mind quite a lot, as both of their birthdays took place. I was extremely lucky as a child and lived beside my maternal grandparents, and because of this I was very, very close to them. This year will be nine years since we lost my grandfather, and six years since we lost my grandmother.

I was in Wal-mart the other day, picking up a prescription for my hubby (who thought he was DYING of a sinus infection and was waiting in the car), when I went around the corner into the produce section. I glanced up and froze. Standing in front of me was an older gentleman who had on a short sleeve plaid shirt, a pair of colored slacks, velcro shoes and a leather belt with his name pressed into it. His hair was the same color and style as my grandfathers. From behind, the only differences between him and my grandfather were height and the name on the back of the belt.

I started crying right there in front of the broccoli and the cauliflower. The grief overtook me, and the pain literally took my breath away. I hadn't missed my grandparents quite that badly in years. But as I continued walking around, attempting to pull myself together so I wouldn't end up on the People of Wal-mart website, I reminisced about them.

It's never a big thing that tips off grief, but for me, grief is like an avalanche. It starts off very small, but then I just get wrapped up into it. I began thinking of the fact that my grandparents didn't get to see me get married, they never got to meet Keevia this side of heaven, and they won't get to meet our baby Bean. I miss sitting on the couch and listening to my Papaw play guitar and sing. I miss going up in the hills with my Mamaw. I miss hugs, and trips to town, and just them in general. I wish that they could know my daughter so fiercely.

I've accepted my miscarriage, and I've slowly moved past it. My beautiful toddler wouldn't be here if I hadn't had a miscarriage. I will always, always think of that beautiful baby, and remember them, but the grief doesn't overtake me anymore. And that's okay.

As September moves into October, I'll probably think of my grandparents less, at least until next year. And that's okay too. I know they wouldn't want me to wallow, or to grieve overmuch. Little things remind me of them on a regular basis, and those little things are what I want to pass along to my children. Quilting, folk songs, woodworking, how to draw a horse.... Small things in life, but huge things to me.

Monday, September 19, 2011

It seems I've been here before...

Apparently about this point in my pregnancies (as evidenced by this post in my pregnancy with Keevia), I begin to reach a point of miserableness. I'm generally over the morning sickness, but still have some residual days. But for some reason the weeks between 13-16 are really, really rough on me.

This pregnancy seems to be harder than my pregnancy with Keevia. My symptoms aren't that much different, other than I think I'm more tired this time around. Maybe that's because I have a toddler? I know the one symptom I have with Bean (what I'm referring to the baby as) that I didn't have with Keevia is that I am NOT SLEEPING.

I've dealt with insomnia for years, but usually my insomnia is centered on me not being able to fall asleep. I'm used to laying in bed wide awake for hours on end. I know how to deal with that.

With Bean, I have absolutely NO problem falling asleep. None. I'm actually falling asleep faster than I can ever remember doing. I sleep fine for an hour or so, then I start waking up. Usually I have a dream of some nature (sometimes "bad", sometimes just about a show I watched or a book I read), and for the REST of the night, my brain won't 'switch off'. I have to wake up at 4:30-5 to wake Carl up for work.... usually that's juuuuust when I'm falling asleep deeply. So, I've been going to bed between 10-11 pm, and not being able to drag myself out of bed until 8:30-9 in the mornings.

I can't eat ANYTHING greasy or my stomach kiiiillls me. I have an aversion to eggs (it was fried chicken last time!) and I'm having a hard time eating meats. The texture just gets to me and I end up gagging. I'm eating a lot of nuts!

I don't have the constipation issues that I had with Keevia, although I've had some the last few weeks thanks to an Irritable Bowel Syndrome flair up. I've cut out wheat gluten for the time being, and it seems to be helping.

So far I've lost 10+ lbs with this pregnancy. I'm okay with it though, because I had it to lose and I'm eating much healthier than I was.

With Keevia my spine and body stayed in alignment SO WELL. I went over two months without going to the chiropractor (trust me, this is HUGE for me). This time.... Yeah... I'm going 3-4 times a week and I'm still in pain. My sacrum WILL NOT stay in (it's out the same way sometimes, other times its out a different way), my right hip stays jammed (both ways this morning!), and I always have a lumbar vertebrae out. We're not sure if the vertebrae knocks the sacrum out, or vice versa, or if the hip is the cause. I'm finally over the constant nerve pain I was having in the beginning of September though, so that's a plus!

Maybe this one is a boy... Carl would be happy! We have names picked out for a boy or a girl, so it doesn't really matter to me (LIES. I want another girl!), as long as it's healthy!

I really, really couldn't be happier to be pregnant, and I know it'll get better. I have such a fantastic, hard working husband, and a wonderful supportive family that I would be lost without. Pregnancy isn't always roses, but the outcome is definitely worth it!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

I don't even know what to call this post...

My husband doesn't get home a lot of nights until 8-9 pm. My back has been giving me sooo many fits that my Momma has taken pity on me and done bathtime with Keevia quite a bit the last few weeks.

Well last night I could tell that Momma wasn't feeling great, and my back wasn't AS bad, so I thought I'd do it and give her a break.

I commonly do co-showers with Keevia because it kills two birds with one stone. When we're at Mom's, I can wrap her in a towel, set her out of the shower and she toddles in to get her jammies on while I finish my shower. It works GREAT.

Well, last night I had just started showering with her, when I noticed that she was squatting in the corner of the tub. My Mommy radar started going off and I said "KeeKee, do you have to poop?" to which she answered no (she always answers no). Then I noticed her start to strain a little, so I pulled her to stand and said "let me get the potty!"

Not knowing what else to do, I pull her little potty into the shower with us and plop her down. 20 seconds later she stands up and it's quite obvious that my Mommy radar was correct. Now I'm stuck. Do I wash her with the washcloth?

So, I called for mom. So much for a calming bath with Mommy, I think. Mom comes in and rescues me by pulling the potty out of the tub and handing me a diaper wipe.

Two minutes later, Keevia starts squatting again. I call mom BACK in and she puts Keevia on the potty outside. She ended up not doing anything else, but she took her sweet time deciding that!

FINALLY we got everyone clean and in their pajama's, but it definitely wasn't the bath-time I had envisioned!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Really, I'm still alive!

Wow. I suck as a blogger right now. But in my defense, some very real things are going on in my off-the-internet life that are kind of taking precedence.

For starters, this pregnancy is still kicking my butt. Don't get me wrong, I literally COULD NOT be happier that I'm pregnant, but when Keevia goes to sleep at night, I literally follow her 15 minutes later. Plus, I usually follow her at nap time as well. Not only my blog is suffering, but so are bills and housework, so don't feel TOO neglected!

On top of that, my Dad has been having some medical issues that are resulting in a lot of tests and travel. Keevia and I tag along quite a bit, so we've been on the road a lot. Please keep my Daddy and my family in your prayers. It could be very minor, or more serious, and we're trying not to worry.

Keevia is doing FANTASTIC. She's living up to her "Diva" name quite well. She enjoys coloring and building with blocks quite a bit, as well as playing with her babies and cooking. She's currently obsessed with Word World and Blues Clues. We recently started encouraging the potty again, and have had some success. She peed in the potty right before her bath the other night, and got SO excited that she went to get her Daddy to show him. This morning, when she was squatting in the kitchen (for some reason it's her favorite place to take care of business), Mamaw encouraged her to go to potty and she pooped! She's sleeping fantastically, and she's really just a pleasure right now (remind of this in the afternoons or evenings when the tantrums start).

The pregnancy is going well as also. We had an appointment on the 6th with an ultrasound. They re-dated my pregnancy, bumping me up a week, so as of today, I'm 14weeks! They did the nuchal screening test (my midwives are overseen by a high risk doctor, so this pregnancy will be more closely monitored than my pregnancy with Keevia was) and they couldn't get one of the measurements, so the ultrasound technician had to shake my belly to wake up the baby. It was soooo funny to see it's little legs kicking and it's arms punching. I'm so excited to be so far along because I felt Keevia for the first time at 15weeks and 5days, so maybe I'll get lucky again!

Hopefully next week will calm down some and I'll be able to breathe (and blog) again. I DESPERATELY need to revamp and work on Rows for Remembrance, but it's just not happening right now. Stay with me y'all, it'll get better.

Please keep my Daddy, and my family in your prayers! I really appreciate it!