Wednesday, December 31, 2008

*growls loudly*

My computer has a virus. I'm currently writing this on my Mom's iBook G4, as I am not allowing my computer access to the internet (it sounds as if my computer is my child, which it sort of is...). It's a very retarded "Windows Antivirus 2008." I got this virus a few years ago, but it has definitely matured some since then!

So, I did what any good geek girl would do... get online and see what other geeks do to get rid of it. I was thinking it would be some evil removal that included going into safe mode, yadda yadda... Nope, according to one website, all I would have to do is download Malwarebytes (Done! got it!), and run it, and Viola!!! It would fix the problem.

Well, that would be all fine and well if the stupid son-of-a-monkeys-uncle-virus keeps thrawting my plan! I have ran Malwarebytes for several times now, and the stupid virus keeps finding ways to shut it down or force me to restart my computer. Not cool.

Fear not, this geeky girl will thrawt the evils of Microsoft Antivirus 2008! And, if you ever get this virus, IMMEDIATELY start Ctrl-Alt-Deling any programs and processes you don't understand. Then MANUALLY disconnect the internet. I highly recommend running Spybot at all times, as this stopped it from creating stuff on my registry.

Alright, I'm off to fight the valiant battle to save my computer!

In the words of Peanut (from Jeff Dunham) - Dun dun dah!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008


This post will seem so trivial in comparison to the miscarriage woes I've been through.

I start classes back next Monday. Someone please shoot me. I'm currently sitting here trying to convince myself to annontate Hamlet, just the first act! It has to be completely annontated by Monday or I get kicked out of the class.

Not that I'm considering not doing it, not really.

Which reminds me, thats why I actually got online in the first place, to check the syllabus about this assignment.

If you have the time, take a moment to visit the MckMiracle family (the link to which can be found on my right). Their youngest son, Stellan is in the hospital battling RSV, and is having some down moments. Take a minute and send up a prayer.

I feel really bad right now, I didn't sleep well at all (I was up til at LEAST 4 am), then I went to the chiropractor, which makes me feel better... the day AFTER. Anyway. Off to do some Hamlet.

Monday, December 29, 2008

God moment

Wow. God works in wonderful, mysterious ways.

A few weeks ago, a friend of Carl's and mine's mother emailed us. I had commented on Tammy Nischan's blog, and she had saw it, and it led her here. After reading our journey, she felt led to email us, and did. She proceeded to share a story of pain and heartache, that touched Carl and I deeply. She and her husband have endured 3 miscarriages, and are now attempting to adopt from China. Her email was one of the most moving, beautiful things I have read. Her compassion knows no bounds. I truly believe that our conversations were a healing touch.

Carl brought up the fact that we go through everything in our lives for a reason. It's only when we go through pain and heartache that we can minister to those who are going through pain and heartache. Carl mentioned that maybe one of the reasons that Terri and Tim had their miscarriages was that they could minister to us, a heartbroken couple enduring the same thing.

Well, I just had my very own God moment. Over Christmas, my sister in law, Steph, mentioned that a girl we went to school with had recently had a miscarriage with a blighted ovum. I had known her on and off in school, and knew her husband. I added her on myspace and then read her blog. I commented on her note about the miscarriage, and invited her here. Apparently she read my blog, and then messaged me. She spoke about how thankful she was that we were going through the same emotions, the same thoughts and feelings...and that reading this, she didn't feel so alone.

Wow. I touched someone. I helped someone through a situation. My pain, my sorrow, helped someone else who is in pain, in sorrow.

The egg sac she will be naturally miscarrying has grown to eight weeks. I miscarried an 8 week baby and egg sac.

You don't get much more God led than that.

I wrote her a very, very long note, and I just pray that I can be of some assistance to her in this excruciatingly difficult experience. She has a wonderful, godly husband, and I know that he will be of great help.

On another note: The holidays were hard... but they were easier than I thought they would be. I slid down the hill by myself RIGHT before leaving to go to Carl's parents, and I was afraid that this would make it a miserable trip. I did have a miserable car ride, and it was emotionally hard. I was DREADING being around so many happy, laughing people. I was dreading being around my three week old nephew. But... once we got there, and I got stretched out... I had a wonderful holiday. I managed to sit up until 5:30 AM with Aaron (the 3 week old) so Mommy and Mamaw could get some MUCH needed sleep. I'm so thankful I was able to do so!!

Please pray for Amber and her husband Daniel as they continue through this miscarriage.
Please pray for Stephanie and her boys, as she's having a hard time, and it was a difficult first holiday season on her own, I'm sure.
Pray for me, as I believe I'm about to have my first AF after the miscarriage.

Isn't it funny how we go from being elated to NOT see blood, to terrified when we DO see blood, to praying to see blood? Oh, the TTC and miscarriage circuit we go...

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Christmas times a'comin....

I just picked out my Christmas present from my lovely husband. He was going to buy me an open heart necklace from Kay Jewelers, but I had decided I really didn't like it. I've been wearing a child's butterfly necklace that his Uncle Butch gave me for Christmas last year, and I wanted to merely add a charm for the baby.

After 2 hours of search, and the price parameters of $50, I have managed to locate my Christmas present. I'm going to put money in the bank tomorrow, and order it.

I love it!!!!! It's perfect. It's what I've been looking for for nearly a month.

I also got Jewel's Christmas present on Etsy yesterday!! I am so in love with!!!! I'm going to attempt to sell some hand-spun yarn and maybe some photography on there next semester!

I have a nasty cold/sinus infection, and I'm praying I get over it soon. We go back up to Carl's family on Christmas Eve, and I don't want to be contagious. Not that it would really matter much, they were all sick when we left! I did get to meet, and fall in love with, our newest nephew, Aaron James. He was born on December 5th (Jewel's birthday! Ha! Easy to remember!) and is absolutely gorgeous.

I was quite proud of that picture, thank you. Natural light and babies is ces magnifique! I know I butchered the spelling of that, but I'm a hillbilly, it's allowed!

The holidays have gotten a little easier. While Christmas shopping with my mom at our local Wal-mart yesterday, however, I had a bit of a sad moment. I was sitting in the car, feeling horrible, and every other woman that walked into Walmart had a pregnant belly. Literally. When mom came to the car, and I said "Are we ready to be out of pregnant belly hell?" Mom just squeezed my leg, and told me my time would come. I know it will, but its still difficult!

Keep Baylee Littrell in your prayers. He's the son of Leighanne & Brian Littrell (Christian singer and member of the Backstreet Boys). Here's a quote from the blog that was posted on BSB's Myspace blog.

"On Saturday December 20, 2008, Baylee T W Littrell was released from Scottish Rite Children's Hospital in Atlanta.

Before being admitted Baylee had been treated for or thought to have had strep throat, hand, foot, mouth disease and erythema multiforme. After receiving a biopsy, blood tests, an EKG and 2 echocardiograms, Baylee was finally diagnosed with A-Typical Kawasaki Disease. We would like to stress A-Typical because Baylee did not have text book symptoms of any of the viruses they thought he had.

Kawasaki Disease causes inflammation in the coronary arteries as well as the walls of the small and medium sized arteries throughout the body. Unfortunately, Baylee's coronary arteries were affected. He received an IVIG, which is a treatment to bring down the inflammation in his coronary arteries. Baylee will be closely monitored for the next 6-8 weeks by a Pediatric Cardiologist to see if the treatment was effective."

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Driving in a Winter Wonderland...

Carl and I headed to my parents day today to... START OUR CHRISTMAS BREAK!

Actually, I have one paper left. And I failed a final, and got a C on another final, but you know what? I'm finished. I'm 99% sure I passed all my classes. This has been the hardest semester of my life, both emotionally, physically and intellectually. I am so, forever grateful that it is OVER!

It snowed in Grayson last night, but only a dusting, just enough to cover the grass. When I called my Mom in Jackson, she said they had at least 2 inches. So, we assumed it would be a wintery drive home.

It was GORGEOUS!!! I made Carl pull over and allow me to take pictures.

This was the road we had just come down!

This was just a gorgeous one I loved!!

We also put up our first Christmas tree! I promised pictures!

Finally, one of the snow from my house, and a picture of my very cold feet! I had on Crocs and VERY thin socks! I didn't think I'd be heading out in the snow!

My cold, cold feet!!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Emotions are weird.

I've been doing pretty well for the past couple of days, but just now I was checking my facebook, and I noticed a friend had put some new baby pictures up, so I glanced at them... Normally, this hasn't bothered me in the least. But today... she had a picture of her daughter in a adorable Christmas dress, and a note that said "My perfect Christmas present."

That was it. I lost it. I didn't sob, but I did cry... just as the tears are coming to my eyes again. Why is it just random tears? Why is it just random emotions? WHY?

I have so much to do, yet I now just want to curl up and cry. Period. Exclamation point.

I feel completely incompetent at life in general, and homework especially.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


I survived Feast.

If, by surviving, I mean to say that yesterday, after 3 hours of clean up, I went to bed at 9:30 PM and was successfully asleep by 10:00 PM, then yes. I survived.

I miss it. Today's only the second day we haven't performed, and I miss it. I could perform year round and be happy. That should be my job, performing. But, my want to be a mother is stronger than that.

I have some weird cold, or something, I'm stuffy, I have sores on the inside of my mouth, and on Saturday, about 6 PM, I had morning sickness again. Or, thats what it felt like. In reality it was nausea that correlated with the bug I had, but it felt, for all the world, like morning sickness.

This made me realize that I actually MISS morning sickness. I miss that feeling! I miss everything about being pregnant. Blair, at The Heir to Blair, spoke several posts ago about people asking her what she wants for Christmas, and I feel the exact same way that she does. Empty. I hate that answer, because my answer is very simple. I want my baby back.

While cleaning up for Feast yesterday, Dr. D gave away all the Christmas trees in the foyer, because he's buying new ones next year. This means that Carl and I are now the proud owners of a pre-lit four foot Christmas tree! Actually, I think it may be three foot, but whatever. I went to the Dollar General store yesterday and purchased some ribbon and dinky decorations, but at least it looks Christmasy! It's growing on me, and I'm beginning to really like it. I'll post pictures tomorrow.

My first final is tomorrow, and I'm a little bit worried about it. It's open note though, and a wonderful friend who is much better at note taking than I has emailed me all 35 pages of his notes. Now, tomorrow, when I get up, I just have to discover which notes are relevant and print them out. The final is at 1. Then I'm off to work for Dr. Knight for a few hours. Gag. Then, I simply MUST do homework. No sims. No tv. No book. Homework.

Still to-do:
2 Forums
1 Paper (History of Missions)
Memorize Bible Verse (PRIORITY!!)
Study for Bible Test (EEK THATS WEDNESDAY!)
Paper over 1984 (EEK!)
Read Cliff Notes (DOUBLE EEK!!!)

Okay, breath. I can do this.

Please, if you're religious. Pray for Carl and I. Until Mom puts Carls check in the bank, I can't pay rent, and until we get paid on Thursday, I can't get gas or pay Carl's cellphone bill. Pray that the check on Thursday will be a decent one, and allow us to go to see his parents and meet our new nephew, Aaron. He was born on December 5th, and I know we're both excited!

I'm hoping it doesn't bother me to meet this baby... I don't think it will, because I'm too excited about it. Carl and I will have children. This just wasn't in God's timing. If I hadn't miscarried, I would never have learned about Trisomy 18 or 13 (neither of which my baby had, but through blogger I found blogs of people who had lost their children, and some of those children had this disorder). I'm slowly healing, and as I heal, I think it's time to re-start "Booties for Cuties" but maybe it's time for a revamp. I'll worry more about this over Christmas break.

Pray for Carl and My finals tomorrow! Poor guy has one at 8 am!!! *gags*


Friday, December 5, 2008

I laid an egg.

At least, thats what it looked/felt like.

Yesterday, I began cramping around 3 pm, again. After I walked to Dr. Starr's office and back, I literally thought I wasn't going to make it back to the apartment. But, I did. I took some ibuprofen, and then settled into my chair. When the time came to get ready for feast I was feeling a little bit better, so I managed to get ready pretty painlessly!

So, Carl and I began the less than a block walk to Feast. Once we got in Lusby, and began walking down the hallway, I had a searing pain in my abdomen, and then I felt a gush of blood flow. I was only wearing a light pad, as all my Maxi's were in the Feast locker room. I grabbed Carl's hand, and then felt something pass down. Carl asked if I was alright, and I said I thought I was. Everytime I took a step though, I could feel something. It was a very awkward feeling! I didn't make it all the way back to the locker rooms, but instead stopped in the public restroom. I had bright red in the toilet as soon as I sat down, and when I wiped... I had a huuuuuuuuuuuuge piece of tissue that for all the world looked like an egg (except it was bright red). I'm not sure if it was the placenta (although I didn't think I was far enough along for a placenta), or what it was. It was just an egg shaped piece of red tissue with white epithial tissue sticking to one side of it. Gross.

I had completely soaked the pad, and almost overflown it when I got to the locker rooms. I switched for a Maxi and went on. However, I didn't bleed much at all during the entire performance. Since then, it's been very light and very intermittent.

As I write this, however, I'm starting to lightly cramp. Along with being ABSOLUTELY freezing cold. Yuck.

Ah, Homework, then dishes, then feast!!!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I just placed all my pregnancy bookmarks in a bookmark folder instead of just open in my bookmark tab. It was hard. But, I think it'll be easier opening up my bookmark thingie.

I should be writing a paper right now, not writing in my blog.

Feast went well today. I started cramping really badly at 3 pm, and began to get worried. I really wanted to perform tonight, and I was hoping my uterus would allow me. I took some ibuprofen and chilled on the couch. Viola! Cramps went away around 5.

Sometime between 5:45-7:30ish, I went to pee, and I heard this huuuuuuge "plop". I looked down, and there, in the toilet, was a golf ball size blood clot with lots of white mucusy stuff on it. I went (to a locker room full of girls mind you). "So YOU'RE my crampy problem!" they were confused.

Everyone has been so wonderful and so nice on campus. I must be asked 5,000 times a day how I'm feeling, and whereas normally this would bother me, it doesn't because I know that everyone actually MEANS it. To look into someones face and see pure compassion, to see them hurting for you, it makes all the difference. I'm not saying I relish that, or relish causing them pain, but its much better than flippant behavior or pity.

One girl even said that she had woken up from a nightmare crying, and the nightmare had been about my miscarriage. Funny, I feared *I* would be the one waking up because I looked at the baby... but I slept soundly. That could have had to do with the Tylenol 3 as well though, especially seeing as I am wide awake at 2:50 in the morning.

I still think that Carl and I will refrain from telling anyone next time until I'm 12 weeks. What was hard was fielding the "Congratulations!" and then having to say thanks, but no thanks.

I watched "Deliver Me" on the Discovery Health channel today (bad idea, I know, but I was to lazy to change the channel). One woman was on her 7th pregnancy, and it was her FIRST live birth. WOAH! I can't imagine that! I'd have gone insane!!! She had a beautiful baby boy named Jack, and her fertility specialist actually got to attend the birth, and cut the cord!

After yesterday, labor scares me to death... but you know what? I did it yesterday, I can do anything. Thats my new motto.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


Well, it's over.

I officially miscarried last night. Don't let anyone lie to you. Natural miscarriage is painful, very, very, painful.

I started cramping pretty badly around 3:30 PM. I'd been cramping on and off since Saturday, and all of the cramps were like really bad period cramps. I had Ars Nova rehearsal at 4:15, and although I muddled through it okay, I had to bend at the waist a lot, and sit occasionally. The cramps were getting progressively worse throughout the hour.

Now, for anyone who is squeamish. Don't read on. There will be details. You have been warned.

When Carl and I got home, I immediately went to the bathroom. There were a couple of clots in the toilet. I had taken 4 Ibuprofen at 4, so they had had plenty of time to kick in.... yet the cramps were the worst yet. I put my hot/cold pack in the microwave and opened the freezer to get out a frozen pizza. As I started to struggle with it, I felt myself passing more clots. I left the freezer open and asked Carl to put the pizza in the oven. I went back to the bathroom (my home away from home yesterday). There were a lot more clots in the bottom of the toilet that time. I managed to sit in my chair until I had eaten 2 pieces of pizza. Then another trip to the bathroom, and more clots. After about another 2 hours of this, I broke the rules and got in the bathtub. I had a little bit of clots, but not that much. I then took a shower. When I got out of the shower, I sat on the toilet AGAIN and were bleeding profusely....still mainly just clots. I yelled for Carl to get me some undies and a pad, which he did.

I sat on the couch for about another hour.... going to the bathroom a few more times. Carl had to leave for Feast dress rehearsal at 8:30, so then Sarah came over to babysit my uterus. The cramping was getting increasingly worse, and at 9 I called mom to make sure it was safe to take a Tylenol 3. She said it was, and I did. It didn't even cut the cramps. I sat on my chair(I can't sit on our couch, it kills my back), and hugged my heat pack.

Around 9:30, it began to get excruciating. I had to monitor my breathing so I wouldn't hyperventilate. I concentrated on breathing in and out, and the pain was bearable. Sometime between 9:30-9:50 (it was kind of a blur, I couldn't really look at the clock). I felt a pop inside of me. I was 99% sure I had passed the baby. After about15 minutes the cramps let up significantly. When they were tolerable, I got up and went to the bathroom.

Sure enough, I had. There was no way I could flush the toilet. You flush goldfish, not human beings... no matter how small that human being was. The baby was about the size of my ring fingernail. I had promised Dr. Ott (my chiropractor) that I would look at it, and I did. By 8w6d, it should have been fully formed (well, not fully, but all of its organs and stuff should have been in place). I'm pretty sure that all of its little organs were outside of its body, which is probably why I miscarried. That's why Dr. Ott wanted me to look, was to see if there were any noticeable deforms. I'm glad I looked. I could see it's little heart, and it's little eyes. It was hard... but I'm glad I did it.

I placed it in a Macy's earring box...which seems like a weird coffin, but it was really all I had. I think we're planning on burying it somewhere back home.

It was hard. It was painful. I continued to pass clots until I went to sleep around 1 am. So far, I've only passed miniscule ones today. Thankfully, I only had chapel and Feast today, so I called and got an excused absence for chapel and slept in. I'm going to go get Taco Bell or something for dinner and save myself from having to 'cook'. I normally love cooking, but I don't have the energy to cook, or to wash the dishes!

I feel better... I feel relieved. But... now my uterus is empty, my little bean is gone...and can't ever come back. It's hard. but, it's over.

Food, makeup, feast. Here I come!

Monday, December 1, 2008


I have just come to the realization that I don't have to be perfect.

You would think that this would be a rather obvious revelation... but for me its not. For the past week I've been stressing out about grades, and papers, and assignments that need to be done to finish out the semester. But you know what? I don't have to be perfect. So what if I get all B's this semester? As long as I pass all my classes, I will be a happy individual. And, as I sit here, 5 minutes after midnight, working on a paper thats due tomorrow... I have realized that I deserve a break. I deserve to mourn. I deserve to grieve. I am miscarrying my child as I write this. Why in heavens name should I be worrying about a stupid paper? I've turned EVERYTHING else in this semester. Sure, I'm behind in an online class. But I am not perfect. I am not superwoman. I have emotions. I have feelings. I need to mourn. I need to rest. I need to survive.

This has been the worst emotional day so far. Excluding Tuesday afternoon, I've been surprisingly strong, and my breakdown Tuesday was only a few minutes long. Today however... actually just this evening... I know its because I'm tired, but it still sucks.

Pray that tomorrow is a better day! Pray that this is over soon!