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Friday, December 31, 2010

I'm BACK (and happy new year!)

Woo! I think I'm back! Maybe. Hopefully.

Since October, I've basically been computerless. I was using Mom's at her house, and sometimes I would start a post, and invariably my darling daughter would pick THAT MINUTE to wake up. I own a laptop, and RIGHT when we moved into our house back in May, the blahblablah on the monitor went out, so to be able to see what I'm surfing, typing, etc., I have to have it hooked to an external monitor. Which means it has to be stationary. I had it in the living room from about August until October, which worked GREAT... But then Keevs birthday party came around and I went crazy organizing and cleaning and put it back in the Kitchen/Dining room so that I could have more room in my living room... then Christmas happened...

Anyway. We bought an upright freezer and it had to have SOMEWHERE to go, and that somewhere just happened to be where my computer was. So now my computer is on the awkward wall-space between my kitchen and my living room.

Really, I need to post pictures of my house. It has a weird layout!

Anyway. I'm back. And I pray I'm able to write more. I really miss it. I feel like I'm missing K's moments! I WISH I had blogged more about her first year.

Oh, and by the way. Happy New Year!

Are you making any resolutions? I'm not one to make them normally, but this year I am. I'm making 3.

1. Exercise more.
2. Make the choice to ENJOY time with my daughter.
3. Write more.

Let me explain. No, it will take to long. Let me sum up. (Movie line! Anyone? Anyone?)

1. I'm not going to commit to losing weight. I'm going to commit to exercising more. Yes, I need to lose weight. More than I've needed to lose weight ever before (I'm at my heaviest ever right now). But I want to concentrate on exercising. On getting in shape, and the weight will come.

2. Keevia is a pleasure 95% of the time... but sometimes she drives me crazy. Her sleep habits, which most would celebrate over, get on my nerves occasionally. She's teething, so sometimes her moods aren't the best, and she's a very, very active toddler. I'm striving to CHOOSE to enjoy every moment I have with her, even the not so fun ones.

3. I think it's simple. I need to write more. I need to be a more disciplined blogger, and I need to begin writing some fiction. It needs to come out some way so it'll stop keeping me up at night.

What are your resolutions?

Monday, December 13, 2010

I don't have time to blog much...

Because I'm chasing a baby! About two weeks ago, she just randomly turned loose and took off. And she hasn't stopped since. I get a little break when she naps, but its a VERY small break.

Plus, I'm working my socks off in my Moms quilt shop. We have 21 quilts to get done by Christmas. Twenty. One. I did two yesterday by myself... and I'm getting ready to head to the shop soon.

Keevia had her first round of antibiotics. She caught a cold over Thanksgiving and it morphed into a sinus infection. She recovered quickly though! She has two lower teeth now, and is working on her upper front teeth. It's so funny to see posts on Facebook and blog posts about babies her age and younger getting their molars when we're working on our 3rd and 4th teeth!

I've been reading a lot lately... I re-read the first 14 books of Janet Evanovichs "Stephanie Plum" series and then read for the first time the 15th and 16th. I'm currently reading "The Historian", which is a pretty good fiction book! Keep your eyes peeled for a review.

We're all doing well. I have so much I want to write about... but it seems everytime I sit down with a computer, Keevs wakes up from her nap. And my laptop is still broken, so it's difficult to blog at home. I desperately need to pull my laptop back in the living room... but its already so packed with the tree and such...

On a negative note... WHY do we have 6+ inches of snow, AND COUNTING? My Dad started to work and turned around, and my Hubby made it, but now I'm worried about him getting stuff... ugh. Here's to praying that this is over soon!

PLUS: We ordered Keevia's Christmas Present. Fisher-Prices kitchen, available ONLY at Toys R Us. Mom ordered it and caught it on sale. She tried to save some money on shipping and had it sent to the store. Did you know you have THREE DAYS to pick it up? We live an hour and a half away from the nearest store. And there are 6 inches of snow. There is NO way we'll make it to Lexington tomorrow. I know K is still little, but I want her to have a good Christmas, and it drives me crazy that stuff isn't working out. I don't even have her anything to wrap (Mom does, but I don't), and it just makes me feel like a bad Mommy. :(

Alright, off to work. The Beco Butterfly is literally my best friend. Keevs goes down for a nap in it just about every day! I desperately need to get another one (with a detachable infant insert!).

Friday, November 26, 2010

Thanksgiving and Prayer

This has been such a wonderful thanksgiving for me.

2 years ago, Thanksgiving was rough. I'd just found out I'd miscarried, and I was barely functioning through the holiday.

Last year, my baby was so itty bitty. I was worried to death about her, tired out of my mind, and living in a haze.

Now? I just pass the kid to whoever she'll go to, cook till I can't cook no more, and eat. A lot. Like, way, WAY too much.

And I'm thankful. I'm thankful for family and friends. I'm thankful for our house, for my husbands job, and for stability.

I'm thankful for my husband who seriously has to be the BEST husband in the world for all he does for me. I'm thankful for my parents who take such good care of us, and who love Keevia so fiercely. I'm thankful for common sense. I'm thankful for good weather. I'm thankful for fires crackling in the fireplace, and candles warming on a candle-warmer in the kitchen.

I'm thankful for first steps, first teeth, big open mouth kisses, and not-so-girly growling. I'm thankful for pink dresses, and soft bluejeans, and curls at her nape of her neck. I'm thankful for the way she snuggles her hand under my bra-strap as she nurses, and the sweet disposition she obviously didn't get from either of her parents.

I'm so thankful for a God who provides and a nation that allows us to worship that God. I'm thankful for plenty of food, and fun, and fellowship.

I'm thankful for three new lives that made their way into this world on November 22nd. If you don't know about these fresh little triplets, you need to check out their Mama's blog and send some special prayers their way.

I'm also heartbroken this thanksgiving, in the midst of all the warmth and love. I'm heartbroken for a family I know who just lost their precious, precious baby boy Jakin in utero, only 14 months after his sister was born sleeping. Words cannot express the amount of pain I know they are feeling, and how much my heart aches for them. I cannot begin to fathom the pain, or the road to recovery. I just know that their faith in God, and his wonderful presence will make this bearable. Their family has weighed SO heavily on my heart the last three days that I have just randomly broken out into tears. Please go love on this family.

I'm thankful, and heartbroken... and blessed.

Monday, November 15, 2010

2 Years

2 years ago, I peed on a stick for the first time.

2 years ago, I saw 2 lines for the first time.

2 years ago, my heart stopped, and then swelled with joy.

2 years ago, we started to plan.

2 years ago, the morning sickness started. And brought me to my knees at times.

2 years ago, we picked out names.

2 years ago, in just a few short days, I started bleeding.

2 years ago, I was scared.

2 years ago, we sat in an ultrasound room, at 10 weeks pregnant, to see our baby for the first time.

2 years ago, they couldn't find a heartbeat. The baby only measured 8weeks, 6 days.

2 years ago, I cried.

2 years ago, I felt like my heart was breaking, and the world was coming down around me.

2 years ago, I didn't know what to do, or where to go, or how to act.

1 year ago, God gave us the biggest blessing. Our beautiful baby girl.

I still think about how we felt 2 years ago. I still remember being pregnant for the first time. I still remember crying those tears, over and over again.

I love you peanut, and I always will. 2 years ago you were with us for a very, very short time... and I treasure that time in my heart. I'll hold you one day, my sweet sweet baby.

Two years ago, I cried. Today, I'm crying too.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Sickness, birthdays and teeth!

Our house is quiet right now. No tv on, just the tippity tap of my fingers on the keyboard.

However, I wish it were quiet for happier reasons!

My hubby is sick. Last week numerous people were out at his work for days at a time, and unfortunately, he came down with it Sunday. He stayed home yesterday, and had fully intended on going in today. In fact, he got up, got dressed, got in the car, and started out the driveway, then had to run in to the bathroom. He quickly determined that work wasn't an option and called in. Unfortunately he was out of sick days and had to use a vacation day. He managed to hold down some soup today though, so we're hopeful that he'll be up and running soon. I made him some homemade potato soup this evening for him to eat, and to take to work with him tomorrow.

Tomorrow is his birthday! I was planning on making him a vanilla cake with buttercream frosting, but I'm not sure he'll be up to it yet. I may hold off until this weekend.

Speaking of birthdays and cake...


I baked over 70 cupcakes for Miss Priss's party. It went off FABULOUSLY. I had an amazing time just hanging out with lots of family and friends. We ate, we talked, we watched Keevia open presents. She wouldn't dive into her smash cake like everyone wanted though!

What has K been up to since turning 1? Well, she FINALLY got her first tooth! It's still not all the way through, but you can clearly feel it. I was worried yesterday that she was coming down with the same thing her daddy had... but no! She seems to have just been fussy from the teething.

I had a dentist appointment planned for today, but had a SPLITTING headache since yesterday. Last night I was running a low-grade fever, and I didn't want my poor dentist to get our crud... so I canceled and had to reschedule for next MONTH. Wow. Thankfully it was for a filling that I have no pain from! I haaaaaaate the dentist. Okay, that's not true. I love MY dentist. I just have a HUGE irrational fear of the dentist.

Totally random post, I know. I'm sleepy, and trying to get back in the habit of posting on here! I hate that I got OUT of the habit. It is such a de-stresser for me, and it's wonderful to have the memories recorded!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Trying

There are times when I feel like I have no patience with my daughter. When all I want to do is sit down and have a flippin' cup of coffee without her whining to be held. When she's whined all day long, I haven't been able to fix it, and I'm sooooo stressed out I can barely think.

I am so lucky. I have SO much wonderful family support. Whenever I have one of those days, I can call my Mom and just beg "Can you take her for five minutes?" and Mom will come over and play while I retreat to the next room for a breather. And I come back refreshed.

Or I can beg Carl, fresh from working all day, as soon as he comes in the door, to me cooking and her screaming "Can you PLEASE take her in the living room until I'm done?" and he whisks her away and I can cook in peace (which cooking is a big de-stresser for me. I love it).

And I realize that not everyone has that help. I know there are ton of single parents out there who do it on their own. On the days when I don't have help for whatever reason, I feel a tiny taste of what they go through. I'm forever grateful for my support system.

But, if ever I need to feel better about my parenting, or feel better for losing my temper occasionally, I just have to go out in public. There are children out there that make my heart hurt down to my toes. I'm not opposed to discipline, and I'm not opposed to spanking... but these children have just been beaten down by life. Not just physically, but more emotionally. You know the ones, the ones that haunt you after you leave the store, when you see them, snot nosed, dirty clothes, crying just for their parental units attention. Those are the ones that hurt my soul.

I'm not writing to say I'm the perfect mother -- I'm not. I was "stumbling" on Stumbleupon.com today and I came across this great blog post from Single Dad Laughing. I skimmed most of it (because honestly? It's a little long and repetitive), but it was awesome. It made me think, and its made me aware of my attitude when dealing with my daughter.

All we can do is try, and I'm just going to try and be more aware while I try.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

12 Month Letter

Dear Keevia,

Today you are one year old. One year you have been in my life, yet it feels like you've always been there. You've held my heart for so little time, yet you have held it so well. Your little smile makes my heart swell with love, and every time you cry I have to hold back tears. I love you Miss Priss.



Your personality astonishes me on a daily basis. Your mix of pure stubbornness and sweet, lovingness just blows my mind. The fact that you cry like your heart is broken everytime you hear the word "No" but then light-switch if we distract you. You are a happy baby unless something is bothering you (overly-tired or your sick). In fact, I couldn't ask for a better baby.

When I try to describe you on here, words fail me. I feel like a failure of a writer because I can't put into words everything that I love about you. I simply love you. I love the way you smile when I walk in a room, or how your little hands reach for me as you repeat my name. I love how you snuggle your hand under my shirt as your falling asleep, and how you dive for the nipple when you start to nurse. I love all your little quirks.

I watch you grow, and it breaks my heart... yet I can't wait to hear you talking (instead of just babbling). I can't wait to hear the stories you will tell, the songs you'll sing. I can't wait to watch you skip around the house in a tu-tu and a tiara. Yet as I snuggle in close to you at bedtime, I relish in the quiet moments, in the snuggles. I soak in your sweet baby smell.

You are my sweet baby. You will always be my baby, even as you make this huge step into toddlerhood. I hate to lose any minute, any second... I want to go scoop you out of bed and snuggle you close... yet I know that you'll wear me out tomorrow.

So sleep well, sweet baby, on this last night of your babyhood. Tomorrow you turn 1, and before I know it you'll be 21... stay small sweet girl. I love you.



Love,
Mommy

12 Month Post

Keevia Lynn. Where has this year gone?
At 1 Year Old You Are -
- Walking!! Sort of. 6 days before your first birthday you began taking tentative steps between Mommy and Daddy. Now you'll take 3-5 steps between your table and the chair, or to Mommy from the table. You also walk much more confidently while holding one of our hands. Today, in Mamaws kitchen, you simply braced against the cabinets since there was nothing to hold onto.
- You're still snugly in size 3 diapers, and have been squeezing into size 2s that Mommy found while cleaning.
- You are so weird when it comes to clothes sizing. You can wear up to 18 months in onesies and shirts.... in fact t-shirts HAVE to be 18 months. You wear 18 month footed pajamas. You can wear 6-9 months if they don't have feet. You wear 12 month pants well, although you still fit in 6-12 and 6-9 month pants. 18 month pants are WAY to long on you, and fall down because you have a tiny belly!
- You wear size 2 shoes still, but I think your feet may FINALLY be growing!
- You have actually ALMOST crawled a couple of times in the last month, but that big ole' head is just too heavy!
- You are the BEST baby when it comes to playing. You sit in front of your toy box and just pull stuff out and examine it. You love books and you love dolls.
- Mamaw Caudill got you a 'ball pit' for your birthday and its like, the coolest thing EVER. You looooove it.
- Other favorite toys: Any of your numerous cell phones (including Daddies REAL cell phone that is broken), your Farm which has little animals and letters that you can put through the roof, your 'standing tables' that play music and tell you the letters, your TY Beanie Babies (ESPECIALLY the cats), and your "wand" that Aunt Hebbie got from Disney World for you!
- You are getting to be a better and better sleeper. You've slept through the night fairly consistently since around 9 months. Last night you didn't sleep as well, but some nights you don't get up at ALL! Other nights you wake up around 5-7 am and come in bed with Mommy until I get up.
- You are SUCH a talker. And you want eeeeeeeeeeeeveryone to hear you. One of the first lessons we'll be learning soon is how to use our "inside voice". You are beginning to repeat words back to us with a startling rate. Your new favorite word is "Hi!"
- You've also started growling. A Lot. It's HILARIOUS.
- You make this cute growl/mmm sound when you take a bite. Not very lady-like, but very cute!
- As is true with most babies... you LOVE anything with buttons.
- You're very snuggly in the mornings and after naps, but you are miss independent other than that.
- You LOVE people...as long as Mommy, Mamaw, Papaw or Daddy is holding you!
- Your appetite has slacked off SO much. You used to eat us out of house and home and now you might eat "well" once a day. You still nurse 3-8 times a day, take sippies of cows milk and a little bit of V8 Fusion Juice.
- You still cannot tolerate any apples. In any form.
- You have the worlds best personality. You are hilarious and such a ham.
- You LOVE cats and the kittens we have right now. You're a fan of Mamaws dog Isabelle, but other dogs seem to scare you a little (you ARE your mothers child).
- VERY stubborn. EXTREMELY stubborn child. But we love you anyway!
- You are SO sensitive about hot foods. It basically has to be cold or room temperature for you to eat it.
- You LOVE eating ice-cream.... but if you get too big of a bite you start SCREAMING until someone fishes it out of your mouth!
- You still have a tendency to put things you shouldn't in your mouth. You tried to eat a spider not too long ago, and you have eaten a lady bug.
- You LOVE to give kisses. You want to kiss EVERYTHING. Kittens, babies, dolls, rubber ducks, the mirror, the ground...
- You are my sunshine, and the complete light of my life.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

It's not easy

It's not easy being a mom. I've blogged about inadequacy in the past, and I'm doing it again. I've been feeling it a lot lately.

I'm exhausted. Between late nights with the baby, and early mornings with the baby, I haven't been sleeping well. Keevie is sleeping through the night most nights, but I have a tendency to be a night owl, with borderline insomnia. And some nights I don't WANT to go to bed, because its quiet, I can veg without a baby attached to me, and if I go to bed I have to get up and do it all over again.

We had fleas in our house (BRAND NEW HOUSE), sooooooooooo badly. They are almost completely gone now (thank GOD), but that set me back in housework. Everything that could go through the washing machine, had to. I still need to mop both the kitchen and the bathrooms because of all the all-natural oils and stuff we used are on the floors. I DESPERATELY need to clean the bathrooms and organize them. Like, you have no idea how desperately. I also started on organizing the guest room the other day... and nope. It's not finished.

I have no decorations up in my house. At all. No pictures, nothing. We've lived there since May. It's bad enough that I've bought the paint and not painted -- I also haven't decorated at all. It's just so over my head. I know what I WANT to do, I just don't have the funds/energy/time to do so... and it depresses me. I want to love my house. I want pictures up on the wall, I want it to be pretty. I want to stop apologizing for things when people come over and just feel proud of my home.

Keevie's birthday is in 17 days. I'm having a birthday party in 18 days. My house MUST be acceptable by then.

I just... I don't know. I'm not depressed... I'm just tired. K can't quite walk yet. So you have to watch her like a hawk for falling. Plus, she wants to be right with me at all times. She won't let me wear her around the house very much, which makes it hard to do anything. By the time Carl gets home and can take care of her, I'm exhausted from wrangling her all day.

I need to quilt. And I can't. I don't have the motivation, nor do I have the time.

I love my baby girl with my entire heart. I love being her Mommy. But she is exhausting. Being a Mom isn't easy. It makes being a wife harder, it makes keeping a house clean harder, it makes LIFE harder. I love her SO much, and I feel guilty just writing this... but its hard, and it sucks sometimes. I feel so inadequate when I FINALLY get her to sleep and the only thing I want to do, or have energy to do is to crawl in my chair with a book. I don't even have energy to take a shower somedays.

It's not easy...but I'm still thankful I have her.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

10 & 11 months

Keevia, since I suck as a mommy, your 10 month post and 11 month post are going to be together!

- Child, you have had a growth spurt!!! While you can still (barely) squeeze into some 6-9 month pjs, you are mainly wearing 18 month pjs. You still wear a few 6-9 month clothes, but you're mainly in 12 month, with a few 18 month shirts thrown in. You are SO long waisted! It depends on the shirt/brand, but most 12 month tshirts are way too short.
- You're still snugly in size 3 diapers!
- You are a cruiser!!! You are so, SO close to walking. You could do it if you had the nerve! At 10 months you were cruising ALL along the couches... at 11 months that isn't good enough anymore. You want to WALK. This requires someone to walk you though! You can walk 1 handed, although you randomly freak out.
- You have gotten over your stroller aversion! At 10 months you started zonking out at a craft festival and go to sleep easily in it as long as someone is walking you.
- It's finally cooled off enough for you to be worn again! Yay! Mommy missed those cuddles (even the back ones).
- You still eat EVERYTHING, although textures are beginning to get to you. You no longer like strawberries, or fruit pieces in your yogurt.
- You are very talkative, although half the time I don't know what you're saying.
- You are OH SO VERY opinionated. You know what you want, be it a drink while eating, or down when you're sitting on someones lap, and you are NOT afraid to let the whole world know it!
- STILL no teeth! LOL
- You sleep WONDERFULLY in the carseat now. About 7 pm though you get fussy and want to be home... we've been able to "sing" you down, or give you a sippy and you usually go on to sleep. We try to not test that theory much though.
- EVERYONE tells me what a good baby you are! Right at 10 months old we did your first craft festival. You spent the whole weekend playing and cruising in a playpen (when you weren't nursing or being strolled), and I got COUNTLESS comments like "Does she do that at home?" It was AWESOME. You rock as a baby. Really.
- You have consistently slept through the night since 9 months. Really haven't had many instances that you haven't! Its great!
- You've had 3 big boo-boos. The first was in Michaels craft store. You were walking one handed and totally face-dived. You had a good silver-dollar sized bruise on your forehead! Then you pulled a TV table over on top of yourself and gave yourself a black eye. Then recently, with that same tv table you managed to pinch your finger really bad. You are very tough though! If you're crying, I know you're hurt, not just whining!
- Speaking of whining... you have turned into a whine box! You whine if your food isn't fast enough, if your juice isn't fast enough, if you don't have mommy, if you're sleepy... usually we can go to the chiropractor and that makes it better... but sometimes nothing helps.
- You LOVE eating ice-cream bars. The funny thing is when you take a big bite and then start screaming because its too big. Am I a bad mom for thinking this?
- You are still nursing numerous times a day, and I love it.
- You can give hugs, kisses (big, sloppy open mouthed ones), high five, blow kisses, and wave!
- You LOVE baby dolls. LOVE them. Squeal loudly when we walk down the toy aisle.
- you are the biggest dancer! You love music so much, and you dance whenever you hear it, even if you're screaming!
- You HATE the cold, but you sleep with your feet out from under the covers.



Keevia,
You are perfect. Your toothless, dimpled grin lifts my heart. Your tiny hands patting my face make me smile, and your big open mouth kisses make my heart soar. Your little stubborn personality simultaneously makes me want to pull my hair out and kiss you all over. You will never take any crap from anyone, and I cannot express how happy I am because of that.

You have made me a better person. And on the days when I feel like a horrible Mommy, you lift your hands and cry for me, and I know that I'm not. I love that little "Mama! Mama!" that you mastered at 5 months.... and even when its said over and over, I still relish it every time.

I can wait to see the little girl, then the little lady you grow up to be. I can't wait to see your personality, and see where you go in life. Yet I cherish these baby moments SO much. You are growing so, so fast, and I feel like I'm missing it while I watch it rush by. You aren't a baby, you're a toddler... and I don't know when it happened. You are perfect, but its going to fast.

I want to wrap you up in a fuzzy blanket, snuggle up in bed, and never move. I want the giggles that take place when I nibble your neck or your ribs, or when I whisper "I vant...to... bite... your neck" and you squeal and giggle... I want those giggles to be bottled, because that is true happiness. And it's true happiness I feel everytime I look in your blue/brown eyes.

I love you. More than you will ever, ever know.

Love, Mommy

Monday, September 13, 2010

Busy, Busy Bee!

I have been busy. Like, super busy. I've been desperately trying to get my business up and running. We did a local festival Labor Day weekend, and it went WONDERFULLY. I'm getting into 2-3 more festivals in the coming months! If you have kids, or have friends who have kids, PLEASE "Like" The Divas Mom Boutique on Facebook! We do giveaways and give coupon codes and such!

Anyway. K's 10 month post is going up today... SUPER late, but its going up none the less.

I refuse to acknowledge the fact that in a little over a month, I will have a 1 year old.

I had a wonderful birthday this past weekend, and I am really looking forward to the next few weeks!

We are battling fleas in our house right now, and they are about to drive me CRAZY.

I think that this is the most random post ever.

Oh, HI NEW FOLLOWERS!! I promise, give me a bit, and I'll follow you back!

Oh, and PRAISE GOD for these two(Erm, three) blessings! Both Abbie and Mattie have been SO blessed, and I start crying everytime I think about it. Seriously, big fat tears.

Did you know Corn Nuts are about the yummiest things in the world?

Ummm... I think thats all. 10 month post coming soon!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I give

To much is going on in my life right now -

- Keevia and I are sick. We both have colds. K may be teething. I dunno, I've given up trying to figure out if shes teething.
- If K isn't fussing, she wants to walk. ALL THE TIME. She can't do it very well, but she sure wants to.
- My ankle hurts really badly randomly.
- Satan is REALLY bothering our family right now. Like hardcore.
- Between medical bills, student loans coming into repayment, and me not being able to work because of A) being sick, B) my ankle or C) K being a fusspot, we're SUPER tight on money, which leads to SUPER stress.
- I'm trying to work, cook dinner, take care of a baby, start up a business, and spend lots of time with my husband. I have zero free time. ZERO.

I guess I'm just asking for prayer and good thoughts. For various reasons, Satan is just blasting my family right now, and it's starting to get me down... I'm praying hard and trying to stay positive!

There is SO much I want to do with Keevia right now. I want to take her to the Newport Aquarium, the Creation Musseam (okay, that's more me). I want to take her and her Daddy to the State Fair.

Mainly, I just want her to feel better right now. And me.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Pulling up

This will be short, because after almost 10 months, my baby is finally teething.

Yesterday, on 8/19, 10 days before she turns 10 months, K pulled herself up COMPLETELY on her own for the first time!

She has been super, super close before, but never quite done it! The only problem is she wants to be standing 24/7. Literally.

For the first time in 9 3/4 months, I'm exhausted.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Mothering

Being a mom is rough. It's not as angelic as it seems in the movies, or even when you look on someone elses life. But I love it. I adore every single minute.

I look back on when I was pregnant (and before!) about how naive I was. I would see other people (mainly online, because how else do we openly share our lives?) with their parenting styles, or things they did, and think "I will NEVER do that" and then the baby comes, and she wakes up as soon as you lay her down, and so to just get 2 hours of sleep you pull her in bed with you, and it's so much easier to nurse laying down, so you just stay that way all night... Before I had her, I was STRICTLY against bed sharing. I just KNEW I would suffocate my baby. But then it turned out to be the easiest thing, and we both got more sleep. I never had the sleep deprivation most new mothers have, because she slept SO well snuggled up against me. I researched it, I began following simple rules, and viola. We bedshared.Then, as she got older, I began putting her in her Arms Reach Co-Sleeper or Babytrend Pack N Play when she first fell asleep for the night. Some times she'd stay in it 20 minutes, sometimes two hours, sometimes more. As she got older, she stayed in there longer and longer, and the last month or so, she's been consistently sleeping through the night in her baby bed in our room.

So...Keevia has been sleeping the past 4-5 nights in her crib ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE HOUSE. I really enjoy being able to read in bed, or to shower in the master bed room, or to, youknow with my husband without being scared of waking her up. But I miss her. Like crazy.

She still comes in bed with me from her first wake up on. Usually she wakes somewhere between 5-7 am. I usually am up by 8ish. So although we get some snuggle time, it's not as much.

I always go and check on her right before I go to lay down. And the urge to scoop her up and take her to bed with me is sometimes overwhelming. My arms literally ache. I just want to be close to her. I want to STOP time. She is growing so quickly, getting soooo big so fast. I want her to stay little forever. I want to soak in our snuggles, and our games of peek-a-boo. I want to always be the hand she reaches for, the arms she wants to snuggle in. She's turning into such an independent little lady, and it breaks my heart -- the entire time my heart is swelling with pride. She's precious, precocious, and priceless.

I didn't intend on this to just be a post about bedsharing... but it kind of turned out that way. It literally is/was one of the things I am most pleased with about how I parent. It's not for everyone, and I fully understand that, but I wish it wasn't given such a bad rap in our culture. EVERYTIME anyone would ask where she slept, and I would say our room, they would immediately say "You better not bring her in bed with you!" to which I would respond "She's slept with me every night since she's been born, she just always starts out in her baby bed." What business is it of theirs? Sometimes I get very smart and quote that we're the only nation that doesn't practice some form of bed sharing. It just irks me. Yes, I know that sometimes people end up bed-sharing out of desperation, and end up hating it and see no end in sight. But a lot of times I think they really do enjoy it, it's just culturally seen as such a "bad" thing. I refuse to let people tell me that what I'm doing isn't 'right'.

Drives me batty. I don't think I have the temperment to be a mom!

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Breastfeeding = Best feeding

This week is/has been National Breastfeeding Awareness week.... or something along those lines. Honestly? I had a sick baby, I have barely turned on the TV (at Mom's house, because we don't have TV), and I haven't checked my Mommy boards, nor, really, read any blogs.

But I wanted to write a small post about how breastfeeding has changed my life, and how it's my favorite part of Mommyhood.

It really, really has changed my life. I used to be selfish, I used to be modest, and I used to be timid. When you breastfeed, you can't be selfish. Your little sweetie has to come first in EVERYTHING. You have to watch what you eat (will that make him/her gassy?), you have to watch what you drink. Doctors appointments (for the mom) become tedious because you have to repeatedly ask "Can I take that while nursing?" and when they tell you no, you have to tell them to find another option. You have to be proactive (notice I said I used to be timid), and speak up when you don't think that they're making much of an effort. You have to be informed.

And modesty (at least on my part), went flying out the window. Oh, I tried at first. I did the whole blanket thing. But then about 9 weeks, I had an undiagnosed oversupply of milk and Keevia had colic. And she screamed. Constantly. And she was was starving, but she'd scream at the boob, and the ONLY THING I wanted was for her to latch on and nurse because that was all I could do to make it better. I didn't give a flying flip if I was sitting in an easy chair in my living room, in the baby section of Wal-Mart, or in a five star restaurant. My baby was hungry. She needed to eat. I wore two shirts so I could pull one up, one down, and I nursed. And sometimes I'm sure my boob was exposed (for short amounts of time), but it was that, or have my baby scream... and I'm sorry y'all, I chose the unmodest responses.

I know there is a ton of controversy around the topic of breastfeeding recently... and I honestly try and stay away from it. I turn away from news stories about it, because I would probably, in all honesty, chuck something at the tv. And since it would be my parents TV, I don't think that would be a good thing.

This is getting off topic. I digress.

Breastfeeding has molded me into a better mother. It's calming for Keevia, but it's also calming for me. It soothes me. It relaxes me. It makes everything else float away for a moment, and the world suddenly revolves around me and my baby -- just as it should at all times.

It reconnects us. Even on the days (like last Wednesday), when she's fussy and clingy and nurses around 30 times a day... it still reconnects us, because I know she needs that comfort. She needs that nourishment, and she needs the love that I can feel pour through me as she nurses. She doesn't just get milk as nourishment, she gets love. And I love giving it to her.

I wouldn't be the Mom I am if I didn't nurse her. I plan on continuing until she decides to stop. Weird? Maybe... but this is our relationship, our bond, and whats best for my baby.... it can't get any more natural than that!

Time

I feel like a horrible blogger, and an even worse memory keeper.

But my days aren't lazy and carefree. I sometimes don't know where the time goes, but I'm lucky if I have time to check my email.

I'm starting up an internet business though, (see the facebook page on the left?) and hope to etch out more time for blogging and such. Keevia was sick this past week, which left very, very little time to do much of anything.

She's still doing this super annonying 9 month wakeful thing....she doesn't nap well AT ALL, she goes down fine after her bath, but wakes up 30 minutes to an hour later and is bright eyed and bushy tailed for oh, about an hour or more, and then goes back to sleep and sleeps through the night.

Weird, but not unmanageable.

We're getting into the groove of things more.... I can walk now (yay!), and I've been particularly trying to etch out time for housework. I'm trying to keep my dishes clean (something Carl does for me a lot, but he tried to cut off his finger recently...), the laundry caught up, and my floors not cruddy. Carl helps me out a LOT, and I am ever so thankful for him.

We celebrated two wonderful years of marriage on July 26th. I think we're honestly better now than we've ever been.

I have some ADORABLE pictures of Miss Priss to put up soon, but I don't have a camera cord right now... so they'll have to wait.

Everytime I feel guilty about my blog, or my photography, for the stack of dishes in the sink, I strive to remember that poem...

I hope that my child, looking back on today
Will remember a mother who had time to play;
Because children grow up while you're not looking,
There are years ahead for cleaning and cooking.
So, quiet now cobwebs, dust go to sleep.
I'm nursing my baby, and babies don't keep.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

9 Months

Keevia, Today you are nine months old! I cannot believe that you have been outside as long as you were inside! It has went much, MUCH faster than a pregnancy does. MUCH.


Keevs, at 9 months you are-

- Still in size 2 diapers... but as soon as we use up all the size twos we have, you'll be moving on up to size 3!
- Still have several (footless) 3-6 month sleepers you wear. You are mainly in 6-12 month stuff though (still!).
- You play on the floor for hours sometimes. You LOVE it.
- You love to feed yourself ANYTHING.
- You freakin' LOVE TO STAND. It's pretty much your favorite thing ever and you want to do it all the time.
- Still not crawling, but you're super close!
- No teeth. No signs of them anytime soon!
- You are pretty much consistently sleeping through the night! You go down sometime between 9-11 pm, and then sleep until 5-7 am. Then come in bed with me until I get up around 8. You usually keep sleeping for another hour or so.
- I think you're attempting to transition to one nap a day.
- Your favorite toy is this little plastic farm that Mamaw Caudill bought you on clearance. It has 4 animals on different shaped pedastals (square, circle, triangle and pentagon), then has cutouts in the roof in the shape of letters. You think its the coolest thing ever.
- You've started having temper tantrums. And trust me, thats what it is. If I set you on the floor and then walk away, you'll lay your little chin to your chest and cry like I've just broke your heart. Then you look up, out from under those LONG lashes, and see if I'm paying attention, and then cry again.
- You soooo want to be mobile. It kills you when something is out of your reach.
- You LOVE peaches.
- Your love of music knows no bounds. You have a Backyardigans guitar that sings and plays and you ADORE IT. You also have two standing tables that you love as well.
- Your new trick is to put both hands up and wave whenever a song comes on. It cracks us all up. You also "bounce" and dance whenever you hear music.
- You do NOT LIKE when Mommy cries. It freaks you out to no avail (as we discovered when mommy screamed bloody murder and cried when she almost broke her ankle).
- You still L-O-V-E to eat. Anything. Everything. You nurse every few hours, and eat whenever Mommy eats, whatever Mommy eats.
- You take baths on Mommy's kitchen island (in Mommys old baby bath!), and in a (clean) mop bucket at Mamaws. You love water whatever way you get put in it!
- You like to give Mommy "kisses", which mainly means you try and eat my chin off while gently patting my face. Cutest thing ever.
- You babble CONSTANTLY. But when you first wake up (either in the morning or after a nap), you babble in whispers.
- You call me Mama, and Mamaw "Mom-Mom" or "Mam-Mam", you call Daddy Da-Da, and I believe you call Papaw buh-buh.
- You smile and laugh easily. Your little giggle is the cutest thing in the world. Its kind of deep and chortley.
- You've started growling (thanks Daddy), and the funniest thing is when you growl "Mama".
- You don't take your pacifier as much anymore. You don't take it unless you're sleepy or when we're in a new social situation. You've never woken up looking for it, so we won't wean you off of it.
- When you stand, sometimes you get so independent that you want to let go with BOTH hands and get quite aggravated when we won't let go.




We love you so much. You are growing into such a little individual, with little tantrums and giggles, and smiles. You light up my world, and set my heart a flutter whenever you say Mama and lift your arms to me. When you snuggle up to me in the mornings, I feel perfectly content. I love the little curls on the top of your head, and the little nails on your toes. Watching you grow is so bittersweet. I can't help but mourn your babyhood as you get more and more independent (and trust me, you ARE independent). You went to bed completely for the first time without Mommy when I was in the ER, and that breaks my heart (although it makes your Daddy feel good!) because you don't HAVE to have me anymore. You're growing up baby girl. I can't wait to see the toddler, the child, the young adult, or the woman you'll become... but I will gladly keep this cuddly, snuggly baby for as long as possible.

I love you puddingtang, miss priss, TiTi, snugglepie... whatever the nick name, I love you Keevie.

Love, Momma

So...

Remember how I posted that I had poison oak and was miserable?

As bad as that was. This is way worse, and explains (somewhat), my total lack of blogging.

I almost broke my ankle of Saturday. I'm not convinced its not cracked. I can't put my foot flat on the ground and walk (although I can walk on the ball of my foot for short distances). I cannot take care of my baby girl, I can't cook, I can't do dishes, I can't do laundry... I feel totally, and completely useless. I was NOT made to be a princess and be waited on. I'm to independent. WAY to independent. It may be the death of me.

My babe is fussing right now (just woke up from a nap) and I'm going to attempt to figure out how to get her in the living room by myself.

Her nine month post (*SOB*) is coming soon!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Wow.

So... for some unknown reason, I read through all my posts from Feb-April of last year.

Wow.

Can we say DEPRESSION? I was miserable!! No wonder Carl and I fought so much. We were both living in purgatory. That was a dark time for our marriage, and for me personally. I remember feeling so weighed down by school, by a pregnancy I was keeping secret, by the symptoms of said pregnancy, by fears I had about my marriage, and by my friends, who I had felt like had abandoned me.

Pure and simple... I was depressed. It took moving home(and getting out of school) to boot me out of that depression... but MAN. It was bad.

And now, I look at my life. While I'm down and depressed about my weight, I don't have the 99 other things weighing me down constantly. I'm free. I'm happy. I love my life right now. Sure, we may only have $20 in the bank account, or we may eat burnt roast for dinner... but it's OKAY!

I feel like I don't express my gratitude and my greatfulness for life enough. I feel like I don't share Keevia enough. I feel like I don't talk about my parenting choices enough... but its okay. Tomorrow's another day. And this year, I'm not depressed.

That's a good feeling.

Wordless Wednesday

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I am a itchy redpink mess.

I have poison sumac. Not poison ivy (I'm not allergic. I can run frolicing through a field and never have a problem), but poison sumac... ALL OVER MY FACE.

It start Friday (I think), when Mom, Keevia, & my double-third cousin Clearie went "cemetery huntin". What, you may ask, is that? It's when we traipse all over the county searching for graves of people who departed this world over a hundred years ago. Sometimes the graves we find have completely smooth headstones. Sometimes you have to climb over fallen logs, pull up weeds, and move dead leaves just to photograph said smooth headstones. And apparently in the process, you get poison sumac on the left side of your nose. And then it spreads ALL around your left eye, down your cheek, onto your other cheek, on the back of your neck, on your right shoulder (under the bra strap!!) and on your left boob. And then you have to go to the doctor and spend 2+ hours with a very nice one who takes a lot of time (and phones your midwife) to make sure the medicines he gives you won't affect your 8 month old who still nurses around 12 times a day.

All in all, an eventful day, no?

Now I have to do dishes, get the trash ready, and wash clothes. Keevia and I (and my parents) are headed to a family reunion this weekend... five hours away *gulp*. I think it'll be fine... just going to be a long drive.

Keevs is doing well. After being fussy all weekend, we headed to the chiropractor. Her neck and her back were out. We went to see "Eclipse" last night, and, unfortunately, I only got to see about 2/3 of it.... she was soo fussy. She pooped on the way home though, and seems to be fine now!

Onwards to laundry!

Monday, July 5, 2010

Keevia - 8 months

Again, I'm a week late. Suck at life.

Keevia, at 8months you are...

- Still in size 2 diapers! You are a SLOW grower!
- Can wear 3-6 month onesies, 12 month outfits, 12 month sleepers, 12 month pants... or all 6-9 month stuff... expect sleepers. You have to have 12 month sleepers!
- Reach for us like no ones business now!
- You can roll wherever you want to go.
- You LOVE being on the floor and playing. In fact, you get quite upset if you don't get some floor time.
- Are trying to be more mobile SO badly. You want to walk, crawl, stand, etc... but you simply can't yet. :(
- You still can't handle anything with apples in it. You get super fussy and gassy if we give you any juice, or baby food with even a trace of apples in it.
- You EAT kid.You eat 2 tablespoons of oatmeal every morning, plus whatever I eat for breakfast (if I eat after you). You have veggies and such for dinner, and usually eat 3+ baby carrots, or 3+ broccoli florets, or something like that.
- You are a social butterfly....as long as Mommy, Daddy, Mamaw, or Papaw is holding you. You love to smile and flirt from familiar arms. You'll let other men hold you, but not really girls. You're so picky!
- Speaking of being picky... if I drop a drop of oatmeal on the high chair tray, you poke and pick at it and won't eat until it's removed.
- You LOVE to play. You especially love wire mazes with the little beads, your cell phone, and baby dolls.
- You love other babies! We see Xay quite a bit, and you just squeal and talk to him!
- You are starting to LOVE back carries. As soon as I start putting you on my back you just squeal and giggle.
- You clap your hands, wave, and shake your head while you smile.
- You can sleep through the night. You don't all the time, but it is a possibility. You still always start out the night in your pack and play, and come in bed with Mommy and Daddy once you wake up to nurse. I love my snuggle time!
- Even though you eat a ton, drink a few ounces of juice, and *gasp* a few ounces of 2% milk a day, you still nurse every 2 hours during the day!
- You love water... I can't wait to maybe take you in the pool sometime soon!
- Your hair is adorable. It curls on the top and is straight on the top.
- You love our kittens. You want to pet them and love them and stroke their fur!
- You wear size 1 shoes, sort of. They don't really fit so great (still too big! You have the tiniest feet!), but I can make them stay on!
- You try to give us kisses, and love on us occasionally. You're too independent to snuggle unless you're sleepy.

You are amazing. I laid in bed with you last night, watching you nurse, and I just cried. You have made me happier than I thought imaginable. I love you so much, and I know your Daddy loves you just as much. We're a family, and we can weather anything. You light up my life, and your little smile lights up my day. I love you big girl.

Mommy

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Drama, drama, DRAMA.

We've had a super fun two days at our house.

Lots of tears have been shed, cuss words have been muttered under our breath, and eye rolling has taken place.

For the sake of my sanity, I'm not going into it... but it was bad.

Keevia is fine. Carl and I are fine. All of our family is fine. It's just a friend who went off the deep end.

Still, there were kids involved, and its driven me CRAZY. It still drives me crazy. It's all I can think of.

Please, when you say your prayers, pray for C & E. God knows who they are.

I'll be back soon, I need to process and calm down before y'all get to read a 12 page rant on the justice system, child protective people, and just idiots in general.

That is all.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Matters of the Heart

There are a lot of things that weigh my heart down these days. There are even more that lift it up.

Last night, Carl asked me to watch a movie with him. It being Fathers day and all, I thought I should oblige, and I asked what he wanted to watch. He said he wanted to watch "Facing the Giants", which we had bought at a yardsale for like, $1. I said okay, I hadn't seen it yet. He warned me that it was corny, but good.

Oh.

My.

Gosh.

Cry-fest 2010. I think I cried like 20 times. And yes, it was corny, and yes, some of the acting was bad, but it did. not. matter. The message is WONDERFUL.

Something that really struck a chord with me is that his wife can't get pregnant. They have tried for 4 years to do so with no luck.

Now, I know I've had 2 pregnancies, and I have a happy and healthy 8 month old to show for it. But you know what? I feel guilty because of that. Guilty because all through my high school years I was SURE that I wouldn't be able to conceive. My want for children was SO great, yet I had so many female struggles.

I had probably close to 20-30 ovarians cysts from when I was 15 until I got married. Every-time I was ultrasounded there was a cyst there (except for once, and I think it had already popped when they did the ultrasound). The first time I went in, I had "multiple bilateral ovarian cysts". From then on, I tried to learn to accept my fate. I wouldn't have kids.

I have all the symptoms of PCOS, just no diagnosis. Although, I've heard I would now fit in the diagnoses. I was PETRIFIED of not being able to have a baby, that when it happened, I was in shock.

Then I had a miscarriage. "Oh, well, no big surprise there". We hadn't been trying to get pregnant, and I thought maybe it was a sign. A sign that we couldn't, that we couldn't have children. So then I WANTED to try. I wanted to have that baby. I WANTED my child.

And so we tried again. We had planned on trying in March-April so that the baby would be born in January-February. We tried in January "just in case" and wham! I'm knocked up.

And I feel guilty. Why am I the one? Why do I get to have babies and other Mom's not? Why? I don't feel worthy. I love my daughter more than life itself, but I don't feel worthy enough of her. She is so perfect, and we want more children.... yet I don't feel worthy to even try for them... because there are so many people out there who CAN'T have them.

PCOS is on the rise. I think High Fructose Corn Syrup is probably a large contributor to that, and I have watched my diet hawkishly for years. I'm overweight, and I know if I could get that in control, I would be healthier, and it would increase my chances for more children... but maybe part of the reason I haven't been able to motivate myself to lose weight is that monumental feeling of unworthiness. I just feel like I'm not good enough to lose the weight.

But I am good enough. I'm good enough for Keevia, I'm good enough for Carl. I'm good enough for my parents, and most importantly, I'm good enough for God. I'm not worthy of God by ANY means, but I'm good enough for him, because he MADE me that way. I'm good enough to lose the weight. He gave Keevia to us. He chose us to be her parents (at least thats what I tell myself at 4 am when she's wide awake...).

I've been on the infertility side. I've felt that pain. And I know what it feels like. But you, too, are good enough for God, you just have to find the reasons in your heart, and hold to the hope in his promises.

This sounds like a big rambly mess, and I apologize... but this stuff has been laying heavily on my heart recently... and I had to get it out there. Maybe it will help someone, somewhere, feel a little better about their situation, or maybe it'll just make me feel relieved to have written it down.

It's 1 am, and Keevia is still asleep, so I think I must join her.

Happy Due Date Peanut

Dear Peanut,
One year ago today was your due date. I should have a one year old breathing into the baby monitor in the next room, and instead I have your almost 8 month old little sister. While I'm so, SO happy to have her, I still dream about you.

I can't wait to hold you in my arms one day, kiss your sweet face, and whisper "I know you". I'm sorry that I can't do that now, and I'm sorry that I'll never get to see you blow out your birthday candles. I wonder if I'll ever be able to go past this time of the year without that regret and pain looming over it... this was when I was due, when all my hopes and dreams were set, and when I had planned and prepared for for 12 weeks. In the scheme of a full pregnancy, that doesn't seem like a lot, but in the scheme of a year, it is. I had planned for June for so long that it's permenently etched in my mind. I see babies that would be about your age (many with June birthdays), and I think about you, and try to picture your sweet face. Were you a boy? Were you another girl? It kills me to not know you like I know your sister. To not be able to put that thought into it when I remember you.

I love you, my sweet, sweet baby. You will always be my first pregnancy, and the first one to make me a Mommy.

I'll see you soon.

Love,
Mommy

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day

As a Father's Day present to my sweet husband, I decided to write a little about him.

We've had our ups and our downs in our 8ish year relationship. But we've always stayed friends, and usually stayed best friends. I can honestly say that I married my best friend, and I could not be happier because of it.

He has went from a good husband, to a great husband, all in a month. Since we got married, he has been promising me that he would give up dipping tobacco. I've begged, I've pleaded, I've cried, I've yelled, I've been silent... all of it. I was scared to death of him getting cancer. Both of my grandparents died from lung cancer, and I did NOT want my husband to follow. He had quit a few times in the past, but not for a very long time. He promised he'd quit by the wedding, by Christmas, by my birthday, by Keevia's birth, by Christmas (the second in a row!), but finally, he said when we moved in the house, he would quit.

And he did. And it was rough. I have an argumentative personality, and it was very difficult for me to just clamp my mouth shut when I knew the only reason we were arguing was because he was going through withdrawals. I gritted my teeth when he moved furniture around, only to say he didn't care where it went the next day. I took Keevia next door to visit her grandparents when he would yell at me for no reason (and he NEVER yells!). And we made it.

And he is a different person. Completely. Before I would have to ask, and ask, and ask, nag him to do anything. To take out the trash, to pick up his dishes, to get me his dirty clothes, ANYTHING. Now, he does it without me asking. He cleans up the kitchen several nights a week. He has energy. He doesn't lay around on the couch lethargically for hours on end. He is a totally different man, not just physically but emotionally as well. He used to get super testy if he hadn't had a dip in a few hours, and now he's just mellowed out some.

He is the best father to my daughter that I could ever imagine. He stays up with her when I'm exhausted, he gets her for me in the middle of the night, he snuggles with her, plays with her, towels her off after bath-time, and loves her deeply. He supports my parenting ideals 100% (even when they're a little wacky!). He is top-notch on the daddy ladder!

I love you so much Carl, thank you for being the light of my life. Thank you for taking such good care of us, and thank you for loving us so much. I fall more in love with you every day when I see Keevia light up when you come home. Happy Father's Day, I love you.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

The one where I actually got outside...

My husband is always in shock and awe anytime I say I like doing something outside. I used to ALWAYS be an outside girl. I played on my swings, in my sand-box, etc. Since High School though, studying has taken up a good part of my life, so the outdoors kind of fell away.

But I love it. Around Memorial Day, Carl took me four-wheeling at his parents. I had a blast! I love fishing, hiking, etc. I'm not a fan of camping. I like my nice comfy mattress thankyouverymuch. I like all the other things camping deals with (I.E. Campfires, S'mores, etc), I just don't like being uncomfortable when I sleep.

Since Keevie has been born, I've slowly been getting out more and more (I got WAY to hot when pregnant). Yesterday, I mowed the grass.

Now, you might think "Okay, so what? She mowed the grass. Big deal."

Y'all don't understand. I live on a 100 acre farm. 25+ acres is grass. That's a lot of grass. And it was really, really high. I cut for 2 hours straight on a riding lawn mower and I only got a little over half.

I didn't start until 4 pm. I put a little bit of Keevia's Burt Bee's sunscreen on the top of my shoulders and my knees, and I didn't burn a bit (I don't burn normally, at all). I can't tell that I got anything of a tan either though. I listened first to some of my music, and then starting listening to Carl's iPod when he got home (and my MP3 players battery died). He had me start "Eragon" which is one of his favorite series.

It felt good to get out. I really, really enjoyed it. Unfortunately, I wasn't working at that time... but that'll get better. Mom's slowly on the mend (she almost had pneumonia again), and can keep the quilting machine in line (which is always a bother).

Keevia's doing well... sleep is still all screwy, but she goes back to the chiropractor on Monday. The day she got adjusted (Monday), she slept wonderfully. She's been in bed with us about 5 nights out of 6 this week. I'm exhausted!

I got to go to a wonderful baby shower today, and I had a lot of fun. I'm taking a box full of stuff (diapers that Keevia outgrew, a baby bath, extra towels, etc) to her tomorrow, then if she has a girl, I'll have more stuff for her. I'm letting her borrow (or keep if she forgets!), my very first Mei Tai. I wore Keevia in it in Wal-mart at 2 days old!

This has turned into a totally rambly post, but hey, I posted. That's good for me!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Show Us Where You Live... Engagment Stories!



Kelly, from Kelly's Korner, does these awesome "Show Use Where You Live" things ever Friday. It's great! I don't always get involved, due to time and effort, but since Keevia is asleep and my bills are paid, I thought I'd do this one!

Carl and I dated from our Sophomore year of High School until we got engaged our Junior year of college. We didn't date continually that entire time... it was definitely an on-again-off-again sort of thing.

Our Freshman year of college, we had a HORRIBLE break up. We both said that that was it, and we would never get back together. We didn't speak for months (which is BAD for us, even after breakups we would still go to the movies and such normally). Finally, we broke down and began extending feelers of friendship again. I transferred from EKU to KCU over the summer, and he left EKU and went home to Cumberland to go to community college.

During this time, I was still madly in love with him. The break up was hard, but it had needed to happen. We were fighting over EVERYTHING, and we wanted different things. I learned later that he had had an engagement ring then. I'm not proud of how I acted during that break up, but it was for the best. But I still loved Carl. It took me months to finally be "un-mad" enough to cry, MONTHS. And if you know me, you know how monumental that is (I have cried at cat-food commercials before, mmkay?).

While I was at KCU, I admit, I was looking for my MRS degree. I mean, why not? It was a large pool of CHRISTIAN men. But the entire time I would look around campus, there was this nagging face inside my head.

So I prayed. I prayed that God would take away my love for Carl, so that I would be free to look at other guys. I would pour my heart and soul out at night, begging for me to stop caring about him. I'd go to bed refreshed, thinking that I'd feel better the next day, and that God would listen.

God didn't listen (THANK YOU GOD!), but he did have a wicked sense of humor. EVERY. TIME. I prayed that prayer, Carl would call the next day "Hey, wanna meet in Hazard (half-way between my hometown and his) this weekend for a movie?" EVERY. TIME. And I always went, because I still loved him.

In October, we met in Jackson and had a little heart-to-heart about some stuff. This is when I discovered he'd had an engagement ring... We hashed some stuff out, and remained friends.

Fast-forward through several more months. Our youth group needs a male sponsor to go to KCU's Summer in the Son program. I had already agreed to be the female sponsor. So we called Carl, and he agreed.

Insert a week of us acting exactly like an old married couple. EXACTLY. Then he asked to be youth minister at our church, and MOVED IN WITH MY PARENTS AND I. Insert an entire summer of me feeling like I was his wife, without any of the benefits.

I did his laundry. We went EVERYWHERE together. We went to the movies, out to eat, etc. We watched movies at my house together. I cooked for him. I was his wife.

Then school started back up, and he switched to KCU. Most weekends we were either riding together, or we were following each other. During the week I didn't see AS much of him as I had, and I missed him. Like, a lot.

September 10th, 2007. It was a Monday. It was also my 20th birthday. I had stayed home until that morning for some reason, so I was just now headed to campus. I was 2 blocks. TWO FREAKING BLOCKS, away from campus when I got rear ended, bad. Carl called moments after the accident to ask if I knew if we had choir, I apparently sounded shaky, because he stopped his question and asked what was wrong, when I told him I'd been in a car-wreck, he didn't even pause, he just yelled "WHERE ARE YOU?" I told him, and he showed up 2 seconds later. He drove my car to campus for me, and dealt with the other people.

We began having to ride with him back and forth to school as A) I had severe whiplash and couldn't drive. and B) My car was MIA until it got a new rear-end. And I realized, in those late night drives, how crazy I was for him. How I longed for him to reach over and touch my hand, just like he always used to.

So I got my nerve up, and I told him I still loved him. And he told me never, ever, would we ever be in a dating relationship again. This was a few weeks after my wreck, near the end of September. I cried, my girls took me out for smoothies (Christian campus, I couldn't drink...haha), and I tried to wrap my head around this new reality -- being in love with someone who loves you but doesn't want to be with you.

Fast-forward to October 19th. It was a Friday. We were at my house. We were sitting in his car, after just coming home from...something. He stopped me as I was getting out of the car and told me he had reconsidered. He still loved me too, and he wanted to try again.

SO! We started dating again. Around 1 month later (okay, November 26th to be exact), we're getting ready for Feast of Christmas dress rehearsal. I'm all done up in stage make-up and hair...

(scary, huh?)
ready to go on stage. Carl has been acting kind of weird all day, but I don't really think much of it. Suddenly, a few minutes before curtain call, he tells me he needs to "talk to me" outside.

My heart stops. Completely. No way. NO FREAKING WAY. You are NOT going to break up with me here. NOT before Feast dress rehearsal! Not before Feast! I have to perform all week long! I can't be getting over a break-up. I stand beside you! I'll want to kill you! This is not happening. Oh-my-gosh, I'm going to KILL you. Dead. You're dead. Completely. All of this was going through my mind as we wove ourselves through the tables already set up, and out into the lobby area. He stopped us in front of a bulletin board, right outside the cafeteria.

"I'm not getting down on my knee." He says. I was confused. "What?" I respond, just as he pulls out a ring box.

"Will you marry me?" I just stopped. I was in shock. I thought he was going to BREAK UP WITH ME. Not ask me to marry him! He opened the box, and there was a gorgeous engagement ring!

I turned around in a full circle (not sure why), and started jumping up and down. "Yes!" I squealed. We hugged, we kissed, and then we had to go back inside the gym to start dress rehearsal. When we walked in EVERYONE (all 70+ people) were looking at us, holding their breath. Carl nodded, and they all started cheering. Apparently, I was the last to know!

That was super, duper long, but it was really fun to write!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Wordless Wedensday (or very close to wordless..)

Taken Sunday before church...

Notice something amiss in this picture?

Like some food she's saving for later?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Too soon?

Keevia has been asleep since around 9 o'clock tonight. This is the first night, in, oh, 2 1/2 weeks where she hasn't used her bedtime as a nap time. She had been going down fine, but waking up 45 minutes to an hour later, and then being up for an hour or so, and then finally going back down around 11-1. Tiring. But, after a trip to the chiropractor today, and an adjustment, she has been asleep for over 2 hours! Woohoo!

She hadn't been down horribly long when Carl plopped his rather large book from the couch to the floor.

"Are you TRYING to wake her up?" I asked, glaring at him as only a Mom who has been rocking an overtired, frustrated, whiny baby for close to three weeks can glare.

"No! Sometimes I forget we have a kid." He replied. I laughed, he laughed, and then he turned serious.

"You know, everyone keeps asking me if I think we had her too soon. They ask if I regret having had her this early... do you?"

I didn't even have to think about my answer, a solid, resounding no.

Yes, financially, we had a baby too soon. We were in college when we got pregnant. Carl still had several years to go (as he wasn't the best student material). I was in my senior year. We struggled, and wouldn't have made it through his month of unemployment if it hadn't been for my parents. But things worked themselves out.

Now we have a mortgage (instead of rent!), student loans, no credit card debt, and month to month bills.

I admit, it's tight. And if we hadn't gotten pregnant, I could have a full time job as well, working at a library, or a school, or as a waitress even (I LOVED working at Cracker Barrel!). We could have two full time incomes instead of one. We might not have salvation army furniture, and be living so tight, but we also wouldn't have the absolute light of our lives.

This month is super tight, due mainly to poor planning, yet we'll make it. I know we will, because God always provides, and things always work themselves out. I can't even imagine my life without my sweet, sweet baby girl. So we have salvation army furniture, and so we don't get the latest movies. We have each other, we have a roof over our heads, and we have food to fill our bellies. What more dare I ask for?

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Clap your hands!!

We were sitting on the couch today, snuggling, when I suddenly noticed my darling girl can now clap her hands!

Let the ages of patty cake begin!

Way to go my 7 1/2 month old!

Enough for tonight

I'm feeling better than I did earlier today. I'm going to leave that little bundle of sunshine up though, because it truly was how I felt at that time.

My house is the cleanest it has been since we moved in, and I love it. Our master bath is still screaming to be reorganized, and there are still 4ish boxes in the office... but other than that, my house is amazing.

My dishwasher is fixed.

Keevia was asleep by 10 pm.

I got a shower today.

I have good books.

We have company, who has kept me laughing all evening.

I'm enough for now.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Not enough

I've been feeling like I'm not enough a lot recently. Like I don't do enough, say enough, talk enough, blog enough.

My house isn't clean enough. We moved in around a month ago, and it's still not all unpacked and organized. I still have stuff in Mom's house to get. I hate that my house is "junky". It really bugs me, but I don't have enough time or energy to work on it. There is always a pile of dishes in the sink, or a dirty stove, or laundry to be done. I never get caught up. I'm still fighting the battle of laundry that was from our apartment that has to be washed before its stored because of the mold/bird stuff. There was about 12 loads of that, on top of our normal weekly loads. I've done around 6 loads some days, and I'm STILL not caught up.

I don't work enough. I didn't work at all this week. I spent the entire week trying to organize my house, and you can't really tell a difference. I should have been working more, but when I work, I feel like I neglect my house, and my duties as a wife.

I don't blog enough. Not just saying this for the 20ish people I have that read my blog occasionally. I don't blog enough for ME. I don't write out what I'm thinking and feeling enough. I need to write more about Keevia. I'm not keeping a baby book, this IS my baby book, and I want to write down more about her. Even if its just small little 6 line blogs. I NEED to do that more.

The one place where I do feel like I'm enough is with Keevia. I have her all day, every day. But sometimes that gets to be too much. Then I feel like a bad mom because all I want her to do is take a blessed nap so I can go pee. Blair was talking the other day about times when you just don't want to be there. For her, it's not always the bad times... for me, it's night time. When Keevia is fighting sleep, and I sometimes wish I believed in cry-it-out, or I wish that someone other than me could get her to sleep (without her screaming), so that I could just go crawl in the shower. Or when she wakes up at 7 in the morning and is wide awake, and ALL I want is another hour of sleep. Sometimes I wish I could just call someone and have them come get her.

But then, I open my eyes, and she smiles at me. And those feelings go away. They don't always go away at night... but she does go to sleep eventually, and even though I'm usually to tired to crawl in the shower, I do usually veg for a few minutes.

I always wanted to be a Mom, and I truly love every minute, even when I'm tired or I'm frustrated. And I always remember how much pain it took me to be a Mom. I'm not someone who got knocked up in high school as a mistake... I lost a baby, and now I have a baby in my arms, not every Momma has that. I try to keep things in perspective.

We have a good friend coming over to spend the weekend today... and all I can think about is will my house be enough? Will we get it clean enough? Uncluttered enough? Will the bed be good enough?

When will I be enough?

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Keevia, 7 months

:: Disclaimer: All facts and info will be about Keevia at this date, seven months, 1 week and a handful of days, because after the weekend I had, I can't think back on what she was/wasn't doing a week and a half ago!::

Keevia, at 7 months you are:

- still toothless! And that doesn't look like it's changing ANY time soon.
- Just had your first bout of sickness (other than the stomach flu on Christmas, but Mommy was too sick to remember that), and it was horrible on all of us. Your little eyes were swollen, you couldn't sleep, you had a 99-101 temperature... it stunk!
- Can sit up completely independently, which you did for more than 30 seconds for the first time on your 7 month "birthday".
- Are working on pulling yourself to a sit.
- Sleeping through the night almost every night! You sleep, generally, from 10-11 pm until 5-6 am, then nurse in bed with me, then sleep until I get up, or until around 9ish.
- Wear size 2 diapers still, although the huggies are a little small. We finally discovered you can wear Up And Up diapers from Target though too! YAY! Finally a storebrand diaper!
- Are the happiest baby I know! You smile at everyone and laugh all the time.
- LOVE TO EAT! You eat bananas and cereal most mornings, whatever Mommy is eating for lunch, and at least 2+ things for dinner. You still nurse every hour to two hours, unless we're out and about, then it's sometimes longer inbetween!
- LOVE electronic devices. You want to get your hands on anyones cell phone, the remote control, the ipod touch, ANYTHING.
- Are still a Mommy's girl, but you are totally falling in love with your daddy!
- You can make the ASL sign for Milk (which we say is "nurse"), say Mommy (Mama), Daddy (Dada), Bye and wave goodbye and hello! You're a genius!
- You babble CONSTANTLY, but you never babble "Dada" until it gets to be about 4 pm (Carl comes home around 6). You are always so ready for Daddy to get home!
- Your naps are all over the place. Sometimes you take one long afternoon nap (Like 2-3 hours) and a quick evening cat nap. Somtimes you take 3 1 hour naps... it sort of just depends on your mood I guess!
- Are just starting to love to play with your toys, but you have your favorites. We're not keen on loud toys, but prefer ones that make you use your imagination. You love your stuffed animals, your bead mazes, and your toy cell phone! Oh, and Sophie. How could I forget Sophie?


Keevia, I know I tell you this every month (and every day), but I love you so much. Excluding your father, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love waking up in the mornings (even at 4 am when you're awake and babbling!) to see your sweet smile. I cringe to even THINK of anything bad happening to you. I want to wrap you in a protective bubble, but then I know that wouldn't work either. You're my sunshine, and my life. I love you darling.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Everything Dip

I'm really picky when it comes to processed foods. I try not to eat anything that includes monosodium glutamate (MSG), hydrogenated oils, high fructose corn syrup, or nitrates.

It's not easy. At all. I have to make everything from scratch. And even then, high fructose especially is in EVERYTHING.

Why do I try to stay away from these things? Google some of them, especially the hydrogenated oils. I don't want to take 6 pages here, but basically NONE of them are good for your body.

MSG though, especially, upsets our whole family. Keevia SCREAMS the day after I eat it, Carl ends up with, ahem, stomach troubles, and I get headaches, tummy issues, and extreme bloating.

So, we stay away from it.

Which means Ranch dressing is out of the question. Except for Newman's Own recipe. EVERY.SINGLE. ranch dressing in the store has MSG in it. Ranch is huge in our house.

So I googled it. And The Pioneer Woman came through for me! I loooooove that recipe. It's DELICIOUS. I go heavy on the dill. VERY heavy.

Recently though, I found myself late at night, craving something to dip things in. I wasn't about to traipse outside(we'll touch on my greatest fears in another post...) to get fresh herbs, so I came up with my own mixture.

I took a heaping tablespoon of sour cream, a heaping tablespoon of PLAIN yogurt, and a then thinned it out with a little buttermilk. I added a lot of garlic powder, a LOT of dried dill weed, a good amount of salt, and a little bit of dried onion. Mixed it all together, and deemed it my "everything" sauce.

It tastes a little like ranch. It's oniony, tangy, and I like it.

Story time!

Gather round children, gather round.

Today we're going to have story time.

The story of the day is about how my darling husband tried to send his daughter away.

Now, if you know Carl, and if you've seen him with the baby, then you know that she is his life. Plain and simple. He was a nervous wreck my entire pregnancy, and probably the most heard words in our home are "Is she breathing?" (And the answer to this question is ALWAYS "Yes baby, she's fine."). He has always wanted a baby girl, and he dotes on her like it's going out of style.

Now, if you don't know, I had an all natural labor (save one pain shot with a life of 2ish hours). I was in labor (although not active labor) for about a month, and then was in the hospital overnight before they broke my water. They broke my water at 9 am, and contractions starting picking up. I didn't give birth until 11:10 pm that night, and my hubby never left my side (except when I was on the pain shot, and then he was still in the room). Neither of us slept well for the two nights before she came. I got to experience the natural high of childbirth, and my hubby got to crash. We got into the mother and baby room around 1ish, our Mommas left, and it was just the three of us. Our little family.

Carl showered, and then we stayed up, just marveling in the beautiful baby we had made. Finally around 3-4 am, Carl crashed. I laid down and tried to sleep, but Keevia wouldn't settle in the bassinet. At this point I was still all "I SHALL NOT BEDSHARE!" and I also could only breastfeed if I was sitting up. So I grabbed my boppy, and settled in an extremely uncomfortable chair. I ended up spending the rest of the night there. The nurse came in at one point and got me some graham crackers and juice after she checked my vitals.

Roll around til the breakfast tray comes. I was starving by this point, and had only dozed on and off a little bit. They brought the tray in and left it under the TV....all the way across the room. I was holding the baby, and was still too weak to walk while holding her (I had shakes for about 2 days after birth). Carl is still dead to the world. I AM STARVING. So, I start trying to wake him up.

I keep asking him to please get me the tray, take the baby, and let me eat. I repeated this to him several times. The first time I woke him up, he sat up, looked at me while I came him instructions, and promptly rolled over and went back to sleep. So I prodded him back up, and repeated the instructions. Get me the breakfast tray, take the baby, and let me eat. So... He tries...

He takes the baby, goes and puts her in the isolette (where she promptly begins crying), and walks in the bathroom. I get up, go over and get the baby out of the isolette and sit down on the bed. He comes out of the bathroom and begins talking "They don't have the thing, the thing that goes on top of the other thing, they have the thing like we have at home, but not the other thing" and then GETS BACK IN BED.

So, I give up on him helping and begin trying to pull the tray towards me. Except that it won't come over the bed because it needs to be raised, and I can't do that one handed. This is where I promptly burst into tears.

Which is when Carl wakes up. He finally became coherent enough to take Keevia and help me get the tray. While I'm picking at the food, they come and take Miss Priss to the nursery for the pediatrician to give her a look. I decide to lay down and try and nap as they tell us it could be around 2 hours before she gets back.

Ha. Nap. In a hospital. First the nurse came in, then the social security person (who was asking questions and whom Carl tried to answer (he had went back to sleep as soon as they took Keevia), she finally said "Honey, go back to sleep...", then the photography person, then about 3 other people.

I had just laid back down (we're getting to the good part, I promise!), when our nurse knocks on the door. She pokes her head in and says "Hi! Do you want your baby back?" Carl, for the first time that day, raises up out of the bed and clearly says "No, take her away." The nurse looks slightly surprised but then nods and says 'Oh, okay... call me when you want her.." and then closes the door. I was in complete, total, and utter shock. I couldn't speak. The door closed, I whirled on Carl and started hitting him, saying "GET ME MY BABY. GO GET MY BABY!" He was totally confused because he was asleep at the time, I start crying, and he just rolls over. I finally called the nurses desk and said "Yes, I would like my child please, my husband just SENT HER AWAY" and that finally woke him up.

So yes. My husband tried to give our darling daughter away before she was even 12 hours old. He was in shock and a little embarrassed once he realized it... but it sure made a great story to tell her later!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Fake-outs

I love it when I take leftovers and make something amazing out of it.

It doesn't happen very often, but I love the sense of empowerment I get when I throw some stuff in the pan and come out with something amazing. I hate just serving up boring old leftovers, yet I can never think of anything creative to make.

If you know me at all, you know I LOVE to cook. LOVE it. I also love to eat. Which is the reason I'm still currently 50 lbs overweight. I'm trying to resolve to make better eating choices though. And still have the tasty food I love.

Tonight, I wasn't that hungry for dinner, so I fixed Carl steak and a baked potato. I had four pieces of meat, and he ate two of them (each piece was probably around 3-4 ounces).

Fast-forward to about an hour and a half ago. I'm STARVING. I went in the kitchen and whipped up some everythingdip (recipe to follow soon), and then decided I didn't want just potato chips. I saw the left-over steak, and inspiration hit me.

I sliced it up thinly, and set it aside. Then I took some fresh, raw broccoli and threw it in the pan with some extra virgin olive oil, a lot of salt, garlic powder, dried onion, balsamic vinegar, and a little water. I cranked it up to medium high, put a lid on it, and let it steam for a bit. Then I tossed in the beef, beef juices, and tossed it around for a bit, then served.

ZOMG IT WAS DELICIOUS. It tasted JUST like Beef and Broccoli at my chinese restaurant, but without the sauce. The broccoli had soaked up all the yumminess from the onions and such, and it was just delish.

I know what I'm having for lunch tomorrow!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Great Poop of 2010

This may not be the greatest poop of the year, but it's been the greatest one so far!

Keevia had a chiropractic appointment at 10:45 this morning. She's going through a developmental phase right now (jabbering/babbling CONSTANTLY), so she was awake from about 3:30-5 something, just babbling away, rubbing on Daddy, and nursing. I crawled out of bed around 8 and boxed her in...I finally woke her up around 9:15 so we could eat breakfast.

We had oatmeal (baby for her, regular for me!), and shared a yogurt, changed clothes (she was SO CUTE in this little seersucker dress and black shorts (because I have no bloomers for half her dresses)), and headed out.

While driving the 10 minute drive, I heard her making her poop noises, so I figured I would have to change her once we got in to Docs.

So, got in, checked her, and sure enough! She'd done the dirty. So, I headed back to one of the patient rooms which has a bed. I unfolded her changing pad (which I hardly EVER use), and pulled off the shorts. I noticed on the inside of the shorts at the top, the poop had leaked through. Not unusual when she's in the carseat... it happens all the time, she poops up. So, I peeled back the diaper...

WORST. POOP. EVER.

Oh, it didn't smell. In fact, it barely had any odor. It was just... EVERYWHERE. It had went up (and out) the front, out both sides, and up (and out) the back. There was about an inch of poop in the diaper, and another inch stuck to her.

I open up my wipes case, and prepare to do battle.

I have two wipes. TWO. 2. DOS. FOR THE BIGGEST POOP OF MY LIFE.

I was at a loss at this point... I couldn't leave her on the bench to go out to the car to get more wipes. There was NO going back. If I had tried to put the diaper back on her, the poop would have exploded more. I couldn't very well pick her up and carry her to the car without getting it everywhere. I was at a complete loss.

Finally, I rummaged in the diaper bag and came up with a bib. I wiped the majority of the excess poop off of her with it, and then put a clean diaper on her. I went out to the car, got the wipes, came back, and cleaned her off fully (then cleaned the diaper...). It took an additional 4 wipes to clean her!

THEN I had all these dirty wipes, a dirty changing pad, dirty shorts, and a dirty bib. Plus her dress had a LITTLE bit on it (on the edge). So I dig in to get her extra onesie and change her.

Guess what?

IT'S COVERED IN POOP AS WELL.

SOMEHOW one of her diapers from yesterday had leaked all over it. No clue how. NONE.

So. She stayed in her slightly dirty dress. I got two plastic bags from Doc, and then tied up the offending materials.

Big shocker, but when she was adjusted, the vertebrae going to her stomach was out. Who would have thought?

And with that, I'm all pooped out.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Update

We're in our house :)

We're still unpacking :(

Keevia is running a low grade (99.1) temperature, and we believe she has an eye infection.

She weighed 15.5 lbs at her 6 month check up, and was 26 1/2 inches long. SHe's 25%-50% in weight, 50-75% for height, and her head circumference is off the charts.

Mom's life is CRAZY right now. She's running to Lexington once to twice a week with various family members/friends to take them to various doctors appointments/surgeries. This makes MY life crazy because I have Keevia full time during the day... plus I'm usually cooking for my Dad, Hubs, etc. And I never seem to be near (or in the same house as) a computer when she naps!

Keevs has started going down at bedtime (8:30ishPM) and getting back up an hour later, being fussy and restless, and FINALLY falling asleep around 11. I'm EXHAUSTED because this was always my relax time... and my clean time.

Separation anxiety has set in. BIG time.

And she's fussing like CRAZY right now, so I better go.

I promise, I'm going to try to get back to 4-5 posts a week. I miss the outlet, and I really miss not recording her little minutes!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Baby Names

Show Us Your Life with Kelly's Korner

Kelly always does Show Us Your Lifes... and I never participate because I'm a loser. However, baby names are something I'm real good at (haha). So, I decided to participate this week!

My little Diva's name is Keevia Lynn. Keevia is gaelic for Beautiful and Lynn (in addition to being my mother-in-law's middle name) means Light. So, Keevia's name means Beautiful Light. Shaina is hebrew for Beautiful, so she is kindasorta named after me!

If we have another little girl, we will probably name her Keely Michelle, or Keely Nichole. Keely Michelle would mean beautiful beloved of God (which is what my name means!!), but Keely Nichole would have both my sister and Carl's sisters middle name... so we'll see.

When I was pregnant, and we were picking out names, we had it narrowed down to Mackenzie Hope for a girl, and Edward Landon for a boy. Once we found out it was a girl, I actually sent out a text message "introducing" Mackenzie Hope. The next day, however, I told Carl 'Um.... Mackenzie is too overused... I know 3 off the top of my head... I want a different name." and he brought up my favorite name EVER which is Keevia. I quickly agreed!

We're also still tossing around the name Loreva Jean if we had another girl. That name is Carl's maternal grandmothers first name, and my maternal grandmothers middle name (which is the one she went by). We'd probably either call her Lori or Eva.

For a boy, we had picked Edward Landon... I'm just not sold on Landon anymore. It's just too popular right now. :( Edward is definitely NOT my favorite name, at all, but it was Carl's grandfathers name, as well as his uncle (who Carl is named after). I like the idea of Edward Owen, which would have both of Carl's grandfathers in one name, but Carl is stuck on Landon. We'll see, we have to have a boy first!

Other random names I like:
Lucia
Finnley
Makenna
Scarlett
Jacob
Luke
Alexander
Gaberial
Cullen
Journey

ETA:
Emmerson
Harrison
Riley (Girl's name!)

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Mothers Day

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this for our local paper, and it will be published next week, so please forgive the fact that I say that Mothers Day is past. Kthankx.

This past Sunday, as I’m sure you all know, was Mother’s day.

This Mother’s day, just like last, is bittersweet for me.

October of 2008, Carl and I found out we were pregnant. We were ecstatic. Our precious bundle of joy was due on June 20th, 2009. It would work out wonderfully! I would finish the semester (presumably my last) in May, and then have another month and a half to finish baking.

The Monday before Thanksgiving, we went to our first prenatal appointment, which would also be our first ultrasound. I had been spotting for a little bit, and I was extremely nervous. They did the ultrasound first, and as I was lying there on the examination table, my life changed forever.

They found the baby, but there was no heartbeat. I should have been 10 weeks pregnant, but the baby had stopped developing somewhere in the 8th week.

Devastation doesn’t begin to describe the pain that you feel when you are told that all your hopes, dreams, and plans are no longer going to take place. I think you can only understand that pain if you have lived it.

It was at that moment that I began dreading Mother’s Day. I should have been obesely pregnant and glowing on my first Mothers (or at least Mothers to be) day. Instead, I would be mourning the loss of my first child.

Fast forward to last Mother’s day. I was pregnant with Keevia, but only about 15 weeks along. I was still PETRIFIED that we were going to lose her too. Because miscarriage taints you. It makes your next pregnancy hell on earth because you overanalyze every single symptom. You don’t get to enjoy it like you would have if you weren’t tainted. You spend the entire time on pins and needles. So last Mothers Day, I was petrified and mourning. Not a pleasant way to spend your first Mothers day.

This Mother’s Day I have a 6 month old baby to celebrate with. And I will celebrate. I’ll be able to look at my darling daughter and know that I am being the best possible Momma to her that I can be. But, while I’m celebrating her life, I’ll still be mourning the baby that I never got to hold, the baby that I never got to be a Momma to. Keevia wouldn’t exist if I had kept that pregnancy, and although I can’t fathom that thought, I still wonder “What If?” sometimes. I still think “Oh, Peanut would have been x months old”.

So, this Mothers Day, or future Mother’s Days, since this one is past, if you know someone who has had a miscarriage, lost a child, or is having infertility problems, then say a little prayer for them. Send them a card that just says thinking of you. You don’t have to tell them why you’re thinking of them, they’ll know. Just take a minute to remember all the Mommas who are remembering a baby, or wishing for a baby, on this special day. Those are the Mothers we don’t remember enough, and don’t credit enough. I know Mommas who have never held their children this side of heaven, yet I still consider them a Mom. The world doesn’t, and this makes Mothers Day a very, very hard day for some people. So say a prayer for the Mommys who don’t have babies to wake them up at 6 am, or who won’t get breakfast in bed, or who have been able to conceive. Remember all Moms, not just the ones who have something to show for it.