Sunday, June 21, 2009

Due Date

It's my one hundredth post, which I think is only fitting for the day.

Today is Father's Day. A day that Carl and I will be celebrating next year. But, today is also our first pregnancy's due date.

This whole month has been hard, this week increasingly so. I should be holding a baby in my arms right now, or at the very least I should be huge and miserable. But, I'm not... and I don't have a baby in my arms.

This would be so much harder if I weren't feeling these strong little kicks from my darling daughter. I can't imagine going through a day like this with out them.

I don't even know what to write... the thoughts and feelings that are inside my head don't want to come out... It's just a rough time.

I know that this was in God's plan. I know that for whatever reason, it was meant for me to lose my first pregnancy. I wouldn't have met some of the people I have, or had some of the conversations that I've had without that miscarriage. And I wouldn't be pregnant with my daughter if it weren't for my miscarriage.

Does that make it any easier? A little. God's not done with me, and I don't think he's done with my Peanut. There's a plan at work there, I'm just not sure what it is... which is okay. God knows.

So as hard as it is to look at the pictures of my best friends brand new nephew, who was due today and born a few weeks ago, or to look at a former church friends beautiful baby girl, or to see a handsome baby boy that was born a few days ago... I will survive. God willing, in late October or early November, I will have a squalling princess placed on my chest.

For all those who are dealing with a miscarriage... remember this, God does have a plan. And the best part? God's plan is so much better than ours. God has our whole LIVES planned out, when we don't even have tomorrow planned (usually!). God knows best, even if that best is horribly painful.

If you've had a miscarriage, or lost a child... I'd love to pray for you. Feel free to email me at or to comment on this post.

I'm going to close this with a letter to my peanut.

Dear Peanut,
Today was supposed to be the day of your birth. Instead, this is a day that I will always remember your short life on.

Peanut, I wish I could be holding you today, instead I'm going to have to settle with the thought of you spending the day, Father's day, in your great grandfather and grandmothers arms. I know that they welcomed you into heaven, along with your other great grandparents, back in November. I will hold you one day, but until then, say hello to Mamaw and Papaw for me!

You are going to be a big brother or sister peanut! We are having you a little sister! I know that you are so very happy being a big sibling in heaven, continue to look over us, and your baby sister.

You were my first child Peanut, and I will always remember you on this day. You will always be in my heart. As I sit here and write this, your sister is kicking away. I never got to feel you move, something that makes me very sad, but I know that you are moving and grooving, and laughing and are HAPPY in heaven. You will always be my very first love.

I love you Peanut, and as much as I wish you were here with me today, I know thaat you are so much better off in Jesus' arms.

Happy Birth Day my darling.

Love always and forever,

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

20 Weeks (and 2 days..)

Please, please, PLEASE ignore how I look in this photo. I haven't washed my hair in days, and I'm sleep deprived and tired. At least I took a picture though! Ultrasounds coming soon!

Wow. I'm halfway through this pregnancy! I can't begin to say how absolutely blessed I am. This pregnancy has gone without a hitch so far -- such a blessing after our loss.

We had our 20 week ultrasound on Monday. I was so, so very nervous. I was worried something was wrong with you, even though up to this point all the ultrasounds had been perfect. This one was no different. She kept trying to kick the ultrasound probe! They said that everything looked perfect, and then they confirmed that she was a she!

Then we met with the midwife. I literally could not be happier with her! She was super upbeat, super excited about our pregnancy and stayed in there to answer any of the questions we had. I was very encouraged by the meeting. She's very pro-natural. I learned that Central Baptist (the hospital we've chosen) has a birthing ball, a birthing stool AND I can labor in the water (I can't give birth there, but I can labor there!!). She also managed to point us towards some natural child birth classes. She was perfect!!! I finally felt like I had found what had been missing before with my prenatal appointments. Carl and my Mom liked her too! Carl asked about the number of people allowed in the room (of which I was thankful, I'd forgotten!) and she said that it was up to us! Wonderful! This hospital is very "your baby, your body" which makes me very happy! She'll be allowed to stay with us the entire time, they'll do all the tests and stuff right there in the room!

This pregnancy was rough in the beginning. The first trimester is hard. I'm not going to lie. It's especially hard when you're in classes and working. But the second trimester has been much easier. I still have some problems (mainly constipation) but the midwife and I talked about that as well, and I think we may have some relief in the future.

I love midwifery. I have seen 2 doctors with this pregnancy, who have just said "take stool softeners" I explain that I have and they say to drink more water. My midwife LISTENED and discussed other options with me and said to call if I had any more problems.

I'm on an antibiotic for a UTI and very tired. But feeling a million times better than I did previously!

Mom and I went to our apartment in Richmond Monday night after the appointment and began to organize. When we moved stuff in thats literally all we did - move the stuff in. Mom and I got the bathroom looking GREAT, the bedroom livable (and quite organized). The living room and kitchen still need work, just a lot of boxes still... but it's getting there. Carl and I did this all backwards. We got married and moved into a 2 bedroom, we got pregnant and moved into a 1 bedroom. What's wrong with THIS picture? Because of this, I'm really having to downsize and put things in storage. It's hard.

What REALLY sucks, is that we have an "apartment" sized washer and dryer in this apartment, and no hookups for a larger one. The washer works fine, the dryer takes over 2 hours to dry a load. This means we'll have to do the laundry mat or bring it all home to my parents on weekends.

Please be in prayer for us. I can't go into details right now, but we could use some positive thoughts sent our way!

UPDATE: Here's the ultrasound pictures!

Friday, June 12, 2009

As I procrastinate...Letter to Sweet Pea

As I sit here, attempting to do my homework (hey, I'm working on it, okay? Get off my back, will ya?) I realize that I haven't really written any letters to my sweet baby girl. I wrote a short one this morning in my pregnancy journal. It's much like what you see in the left hand side bar. I keep a running tally of all the things that happen, like when she kicked for the first time, when we had the BFP, that sort of thing. But today, I wrote a letter to her in there, and I decided to post it on here as well. I plan on, one day, making a scrap book and including it all in there. *le sigh* I still haven't made a wedding scrapbook...which could, possibly, be because I still have zero wedding pictures. I have the DVD full of them, just haven't ordered any yet. I suck at life sometimes.

Dear Baby Girl,
Hey sweetheart! In this fist letter to you, I just want to say how proud I am to be your mommy. I cannot believe how totally blessed I am. As I'm writing this, you are kicking me gently, letting me know you are still there, moving and grooving! I love feeling you move, in fact, it's been my favorite part of this pregnancy.
I can't wait to meet you! On Monday I'll be 20 weeks pregnant, which means we'll be halfway there. I need you to hang in there for at least another 15 weeks, mmkay my sweet girl?
Your Daddy is so excited. He was so happy when we found out you were a girl! You have three first cousins, but they are all boys! You will definitely be well taken care of.
I love you sweet girl, and I can't wait to hold you in my arms. Stay safe, sweet baby of mine.

Love, Mommy

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Please pray

Please go to the blog I list below and love on them, will you? They delivered their sweet baby boy Nolan 3 days ago at 26w3d. Nolan hadn't been growing inside his Mom and they were concerned he had a heart defect. He was doing well in the NICU, even getting down to 50% oxygen during the day, but last night he coded, and couldn't be brought back.

Please go and love on this family, and send some prayers their way.

Thank you.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Procrastination, Summer style

Pregnancy + Constipation + Irritable Bowel Syndrome = SUCKAGE.

The end.

P.S. Anyone want to finish my Descartes power point for me? Any takers, anyone?


My heart hurts for the pain and hurt that the blog scam over little April Rose has caused people. I never became a "follower" of hers, because there was always something about the way that she wrote that got on my nerves. I did, however, follow Raechel's updates all day Sunday. I didn't know that she was 'past due' or that there were already suspicions that the story wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

I cried on Sunday, prayed for them and for baby April Rose, and mourned for their upcoming loss. Imagine my surprise when I logged in on Monday morning, and found that the blog had been taken down, and that the father had left a note saying that it would only be for updates from that point on.

I don't know the whole story, nor do I claim to try and understand it. Obviously there is more going on behind the scenes that we don't know. Mckmama and Angie Smith, two of whom I believe to be the more prolific bloggers in the Christian women's world co-authored a post tastefully addressing the situation. Raechel, who apparently is an in-real-life friend of Angies was taken in and duped just as everyone else was.

I don't know what was going on in "B"s life that would cause her to try and fool so many people. Several bloggers have brought up a good point though - as Christians, we need to continue to pray for her. Not as the mother to a terminally ill child, but as a person who is obviously so in need for attention that she had to fabricate a sweet baby girl.

As someone who has lost a pregnancy, this hits me hard. I can't even imagine trying to get anything out of a loss like that. It hurts my heart that she would even try. We need to not hate her though, we need to wrap her in the arms of prayer and ask that God take care of her in whatever situation she is in.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I really suck.

I really suck about writing about this pregnancy. I apologize in advance sweet pea! I want to write about it. Really, I do. I want to remember everything about this pregnancy. It's just... for some reason I don't write about it.

Carl got to feel our sweet girl kick for the first time on Sunday. We were 18w6d. My baby is a genius, I swear! I had just drank a hot chocolate latte (I'm trying to have some things move in my bowel region, lol). About 20 minutes later she started kicking me to DEATH. Literally, every 2-3 minutes I was kicked. I left my hand on the spot she was kicking, and about 15 minutes after she started kicking, I felt it with my hand. I automatically yelled for Carl, and he came in and put his hand where mine had been. Moments later, he got to feel her kick! It was beautiful and breathtaking.

He's leaving on Friday and will be gone for two weeks. I'm really not happy about this, but I know he's looking forward to the trip. He'll be back on KCU's campus for a week, and then traveling all over Ohio, performing each night for the next week. It's a group through Kentucky Christian University, called Servants. It's absolutely wonderful, and a great opportunity for high schoolers who are interested in vocal music. I did it for 3 years in high school. Carl did it as a "Destiny" member (the 10-12 college members who help with the high schoolers) last year and loved it. Even though he's not going to be a student at KCU in the fall, Dr. Deakins invited him to help with Servants. He's excited. I'm just worried.... I don't think I would mind nearly as much if I weren't pregnant. He's having to miss the 20 week ultrasound... and we can't video tape it like we could at the other doctors... He's only got to see her live and in person at the gender ultrasound that they did at 18 weeks, and it was very, very short.

I know it's irrational to be scared about him going to Servants, but I am anyway. I wish he had been able to be at more appointments. I'm scared that his classes will begin to interfere in August, and I've only got one (boring) appointment in between the 20 week ultrasound and my August appointment.

I'm starting on my summer course for college. If all goes well, this should be my last college class EVER. I'm so freaking excited. It's "Introduction to Philosophy" though, and I'm already struggling. I'm much more mathematically minded. I rock at trigonometry. I rock at physics. I suck at anything theoretical. I also feel like I'm just as good of a Christian without knowing all these 'theories' than I would be if I knew them. They make my head spin, and honestly, I feel like they are complete and total crap.

This is what I get for being a Humanities major though, one of its concentrations is supposed to BE philosophy. I'm scraped by that one, thankyouverymuch.

Speaking of my summer class...that's what I'm supposed to be doing right now. My darling husband is taking me to the movies this afternoon to see "Up!". I'm excited to go out with him, just not as excited that it's a movie. Last time we went to this theater I froze to death. It was frigid. I'm taking a blanket this time.


Monday, June 1, 2009

It's a....


My child had "girl parts" as the ultrasound is labeled. Carl had to BEG for the ultrasound (he can't be there for the one at 20 weeks) and he wanted to see his child live and in person! Plus, the new doctor doesn't let me use the camera! Phooey!

Anyway, she has the three lines! It was supppppper exciting!