Thursday, September 29, 2011

It's the little things...

Sometimes I go days, or weeks, without thinking of my grandparents. This month they've been on my mind quite a lot, as both of their birthdays took place. I was extremely lucky as a child and lived beside my maternal grandparents, and because of this I was very, very close to them. This year will be nine years since we lost my grandfather, and six years since we lost my grandmother.

I was in Wal-mart the other day, picking up a prescription for my hubby (who thought he was DYING of a sinus infection and was waiting in the car), when I went around the corner into the produce section. I glanced up and froze. Standing in front of me was an older gentleman who had on a short sleeve plaid shirt, a pair of colored slacks, velcro shoes and a leather belt with his name pressed into it. His hair was the same color and style as my grandfathers. From behind, the only differences between him and my grandfather were height and the name on the back of the belt.

I started crying right there in front of the broccoli and the cauliflower. The grief overtook me, and the pain literally took my breath away. I hadn't missed my grandparents quite that badly in years. But as I continued walking around, attempting to pull myself together so I wouldn't end up on the People of Wal-mart website, I reminisced about them.

It's never a big thing that tips off grief, but for me, grief is like an avalanche. It starts off very small, but then I just get wrapped up into it. I began thinking of the fact that my grandparents didn't get to see me get married, they never got to meet Keevia this side of heaven, and they won't get to meet our baby Bean. I miss sitting on the couch and listening to my Papaw play guitar and sing. I miss going up in the hills with my Mamaw. I miss hugs, and trips to town, and just them in general. I wish that they could know my daughter so fiercely.

I've accepted my miscarriage, and I've slowly moved past it. My beautiful toddler wouldn't be here if I hadn't had a miscarriage. I will always, always think of that beautiful baby, and remember them, but the grief doesn't overtake me anymore. And that's okay.

As September moves into October, I'll probably think of my grandparents less, at least until next year. And that's okay too. I know they wouldn't want me to wallow, or to grieve overmuch. Little things remind me of them on a regular basis, and those little things are what I want to pass along to my children. Quilting, folk songs, woodworking, how to draw a horse.... Small things in life, but huge things to me.

1 comment:

  1. Hon, I miss them too-- I will always remember your Grandpa when he came to visit my grandparents up here; singing, praying, scaring the younger boys here with his insulin syringes, the bible he always had in his shirt pocket. You describing that man in Wal-Mart had my eyes welling up too. Thanks for this post. =) <3


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