Monday, January 16, 2012


Having a miscarriage is hard. When it happens you think that it can never get any better, and you just feel....empty.

But it does get better. It takes time. Sometimes it takes getting pregnant again. Sometimes not. But one day you look up and realize you haven't thought about it that day. Or that you're smiling. And that it's okay.

But, even as you begin to heal, you never FULLY get over it. Just like with any loss.

I'm tainted.

I hate seeing friends announce their pregnancies on facebook, and then in the comments section state that they're only 5 weeks pregnant. My mind AUTOMATICALLY thinks horror thoughts, and I think how they should have waited to announce. Every time I see an update from them I cringe a little. And OH!!! Oh how I pray and stalk their feeds when they go to that first appointment.


Even with this pregnancy, I held out and held out announcing it until we had that first appointment. I NEEDED to see that heartbeat on the screen. And the fear? Oh the fear. No expectant parent should ever have to go into a ultrasound and not really feel excitement, just an overwhelming, heartwrenching fear.

Even now, at almost 32 weeks pregnant, I still feel like I'm holding my breath. And this is my second pregnancy after a loss. I'm actually SO much calmer and more relaxed than I was with Keevia. I've allowed myself to chill out more, and not overanalyze every little symptom... but it's still there in the back of my mind.

I just really wish sometimes, that I could go back. Go back and not have this fear in the back of my throat at every appointment. Not have to go into my first prenatal appointment almost in tears. Just be able to look at pregnancy normal. But I can't. I'm tainted.

And that's okay.

Because now I have a heart for the miscarriage survivors. I have a heart for the baby loss moms. I can minister to those who have lost a baby. I can pray hard for those going into their first appointment. I can honestly tell someone "I know how you feel" as I cry with them, be it over the internet or in person.

I'm tainted, but I'm tainted for a reason.

1 comment:

  1. I hope you don't mind that I comment, but this was a post I really needed to read tonight as I had a miscarriage in October and have been bombarded with pregnancy announcements everywhere I look--sometimes I feel like the only person who cannot have a normal, healthy pregnancy. I often wonder if I will ever get pregnant again--it is a terrible feeling. This post helped me not feel so alone. Thank you for that.


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