Due Date

It's my one hundredth post, which I think is only fitting for the day.

Today is Father's Day. A day that Carl and I will be celebrating next year. But, today is also our first pregnancy's due date.

This whole month has been hard, this week increasingly so. I should be holding a baby in my arms right now, or at the very least I should be huge and miserable. But, I'm not... and I don't have a baby in my arms.

This would be so much harder if I weren't feeling these strong little kicks from my darling daughter. I can't imagine going through a day like this with out them.

I don't even know what to write... the thoughts and feelings that are inside my head don't want to come out... It's just a rough time.

I know that this was in God's plan. I know that for whatever reason, it was meant for me to lose my first pregnancy. I wouldn't have met some of the people I have, or had some of the conversations that I've had without that miscarriage. And I wouldn't be pregnant with my daughter if it weren't for my miscarriage.

Does that make it any easier? A little. God's not done with me, and I don't think he's done with my Peanut. There's a plan at work there, I'm just not sure what it is... which is okay. God knows.

So as hard as it is to look at the pictures of my best friends brand new nephew, who was due today and born a few weeks ago, or to look at a former church friends beautiful baby girl, or to see a handsome baby boy that was born a few days ago... I will survive. God willing, in late October or early November, I will have a squalling princess placed on my chest.

For all those who are dealing with a miscarriage... remember this, God does have a plan. And the best part? God's plan is so much better than ours. God has our whole LIVES planned out, when we don't even have tomorrow planned (usually!). God knows best, even if that best is horribly painful.

If you've had a miscarriage, or lost a child... I'd love to pray for you. Feel free to email me at ryleyphotography@gmail.com or to comment on this post.

I'm going to close this with a letter to my peanut.

Dear Peanut,
Today was supposed to be the day of your birth. Instead, this is a day that I will always remember your short life on.

Peanut, I wish I could be holding you today, instead I'm going to have to settle with the thought of you spending the day, Father's day, in your great grandfather and grandmothers arms. I know that they welcomed you into heaven, along with your other great grandparents, back in November. I will hold you one day, but until then, say hello to Mamaw and Papaw for me!

You are going to be a big brother or sister peanut! We are having you a little sister! I know that you are so very happy being a big sibling in heaven, continue to look over us, and your baby sister.

You were my first child Peanut, and I will always remember you on this day. You will always be in my heart. As I sit here and write this, your sister is kicking away. I never got to feel you move, something that makes me very sad, but I know that you are moving and grooving, and laughing and are HAPPY in heaven. You will always be my very first love.

I love you Peanut, and as much as I wish you were here with me today, I know thaat you are so much better off in Jesus' arms.

Happy Birth Day my darling.

Love always and forever,
Mommy