Mothers Day

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this for our local paper, and it will be published next week, so please forgive the fact that I say that Mothers Day is past. Kthankx.

This past Sunday, as I’m sure you all know, was Mother’s day.

This Mother’s day, just like last, is bittersweet for me.

October of 2008, Carl and I found out we were pregnant. We were ecstatic. Our precious bundle of joy was due on June 20th, 2009. It would work out wonderfully! I would finish the semester (presumably my last) in May, and then have another month and a half to finish baking.

The Monday before Thanksgiving, we went to our first prenatal appointment, which would also be our first ultrasound. I had been spotting for a little bit, and I was extremely nervous. They did the ultrasound first, and as I was lying there on the examination table, my life changed forever.

They found the baby, but there was no heartbeat. I should have been 10 weeks pregnant, but the baby had stopped developing somewhere in the 8th week.

Devastation doesn’t begin to describe the pain that you feel when you are told that all your hopes, dreams, and plans are no longer going to take place. I think you can only understand that pain if you have lived it.

It was at that moment that I began dreading Mother’s Day. I should have been obesely pregnant and glowing on my first Mothers (or at least Mothers to be) day. Instead, I would be mourning the loss of my first child.

Fast forward to last Mother’s day. I was pregnant with Keevia, but only about 15 weeks along. I was still PETRIFIED that we were going to lose her too. Because miscarriage taints you. It makes your next pregnancy hell on earth because you overanalyze every single symptom. You don’t get to enjoy it like you would have if you weren’t tainted. You spend the entire time on pins and needles. So last Mothers Day, I was petrified and mourning. Not a pleasant way to spend your first Mothers day.

This Mother’s Day I have a 6 month old baby to celebrate with. And I will celebrate. I’ll be able to look at my darling daughter and know that I am being the best possible Momma to her that I can be. But, while I’m celebrating her life, I’ll still be mourning the baby that I never got to hold, the baby that I never got to be a Momma to. Keevia wouldn’t exist if I had kept that pregnancy, and although I can’t fathom that thought, I still wonder “What If?” sometimes. I still think “Oh, Peanut would have been x months old”.

So, this Mothers Day, or future Mother’s Days, since this one is past, if you know someone who has had a miscarriage, lost a child, or is having infertility problems, then say a little prayer for them. Send them a card that just says thinking of you. You don’t have to tell them why you’re thinking of them, they’ll know. Just take a minute to remember all the Mommas who are remembering a baby, or wishing for a baby, on this special day. Those are the Mothers we don’t remember enough, and don’t credit enough. I know Mommas who have never held their children this side of heaven, yet I still consider them a Mom. The world doesn’t, and this makes Mothers Day a very, very hard day for some people. So say a prayer for the Mommys who don’t have babies to wake them up at 6 am, or who won’t get breakfast in bed, or who have been able to conceive. Remember all Moms, not just the ones who have something to show for it.