Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Happy Due Date, Peanut.

Last night, while driving home from a rather long trip, I let my mind drift over the past few days. Suddenly, I panicked. I quickly counted the days in my head, and breathed a slow sigh of relief.

I thought I had forgot my sweet Peanut's due date.

It's funny. Two years ago I would have sworn that I never could forget. And I didn't.... but I did almost pass it up. I've been thinking about my sweet first pregnancy since the beginning of June, just like I did last year, and the year before. But this year, other things took over my mind as well. This year I concentrated on my best friends birthday, which falls on the 18th. I concentrated on Fathers Day, and making sure that Keevia got to decorate cards. This year I concentrated on my parents 35th wedding anniversary. I concentrated on an overnight trip that my mom and I had planned, in which we took Keevia to the aquarium and saw my great aunt and uncle for the first time in years.

This year, Peanut wasn't first in my mind.

That both saddens me, and makes feel better. It saddens me that I could forget the loss of a child, even for a second, but it makes me realize that I'm moving on. I'm not dwelling. I'm healing.

My maternal grandparents have both passed away. I grew up beside them, and was ridiculously close to both of them. This year, I only remembered one of their death dates. My grandfathers, December 1st, marks a special place for me because that's also the day I miscarried (although I knew that Peanut was gone two weeks before). April 22nd, however, came and went this year without me even thinking about it.

Maybe it sounds callous, or cruel... but I know they wouldn't want me moping around missing them, especially when I know in my heart that all three of them are in a better place.

So today, I celebrate that this day is getting easier. I celebrate that my sweet baby is in Heaven, laughing and playing with my grandparents. But I also pause to cry a little, to think of the might-have-beens, and of seeing my two year olds face.

I'll hold you in Heaven Peanut. Mommy loves you always.

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