Friday, August 21, 2009

Go, Stop and Go, I just hear static...

First of all, you have to be a pretty big Backstreet Boy's fan to understand the title of this post. Special kudos may go to anyone who knows/figures out what this post should be titled, by telling me the name of the song that those lines come from!


So, what do you get when you put me and my husband standing in our darkened kitchen at around midnight thirty last night? Especially when my hubby had went to bed around 10:30?

You get the after results of my midnight panic attack.

I think I've been having them for a few weeks, and just chocking it up to hormones. I went to bed last night, totally fine. Then, as I was laying there, I just NEEDED to feel safe. I NEEDED Carl to hold me (hard for him to do when he's already asleep). I started crying, and probably cried for a good 20-30 minutes.

Irrational fear has taken a hold of my life, and I don't really know why, or how it's done it. Whenever my husband or my Mom travels from my parents house to the apartment, and I'm not in the car with them, I start panicking. Heck, when my hubby and I traveled up here from my parents house on Monday, I had a mild panic attack in the car because I was positive we were going to wreck and die. Wednesday night, when it was midnight twenty and Carl wasn't home from work yet, I started to panic again. And my panic attacks are not just centered around cars and driving.

I was researching immunizations last night, and I think that may be what tipped me off. Just reading about the side effects that some of them cause, and trying to make informed decisions about my daughters future health care, apparently pushed me over the edge, and caused me to panic. I also have them about finances, I have them about clutter in our apartment...

I have them about anything I can't control.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what it all boils down to.

I, Shaina N., am a control freak. I didn't realize I had these qualities until a few short months ago, but I do. I feel the need to control everything in my life, and have it planned out to the minute details.

And ya know what? It's not been a big problem before, but now... oohh ho hoooo... Now, I'm due to give birth AROUND November 2nd. I don't have any inkling or idea where I'll be or when I'll go into labor. I PLAN on having a completely natural childbirth, but I can't control the circumstances surrounding her birth. I WANT a completely healthy baby, but I can't control that either.

So, I've recently been praying for peace, and for serenity. It helps, it calms my breathing and slows the tears, but I know that I now need to pray for God to take control, and then to relinquish that control. But you know what?

That's not easy.

I think that's the point though. I'm praying that by coming to this realization that it really is panic attacks, I'll be able to cut them off at the source. That, and I'm going to make an appointment to see my chiropractor and make sure no nerves are pinched...

But... I've come to realize I can't control everything, nor should I want to. Life throws us curveballs, gives us lemons, and sometimes just sucks, pure and simple... but God is in control, and always will be.

Kinda cool, huh?


  1. I feel you on this one. Control freak #2 is typing this message. :) I hate not being able to control when I will have a child!

  2. The name of the song is "Panic" and the title is very fitting to your post.


  3. I completely understand about your panic attacks. I have them daily. I CANNOT stay alone in a house for a long period of time, simply because someone is going to come in and kill my cat and then me. Or, when it's storming; I'm convinced a tornado is going to end my life. OR when I'm not with Donnie; I'm convinced that he's going to get in a car accident and I will be put into a mental institution for the remainder of my life. I, too, have to pray for peace multiple times daily just to get through the day and not sob my eyes out. Anxiety maybe? I'm not sure. But I love you, and I will pray with all my heart that you find peace for both yourself and Keevia. I know it's so hard; call anytime. :) It's good to talk it out.


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