Tuesday, October 12, 2010

It's not easy

It's not easy being a mom. I've blogged about inadequacy in the past, and I'm doing it again. I've been feeling it a lot lately.

I'm exhausted. Between late nights with the baby, and early mornings with the baby, I haven't been sleeping well. Keevie is sleeping through the night most nights, but I have a tendency to be a night owl, with borderline insomnia. And some nights I don't WANT to go to bed, because its quiet, I can veg without a baby attached to me, and if I go to bed I have to get up and do it all over again.

We had fleas in our house (BRAND NEW HOUSE), sooooooooooo badly. They are almost completely gone now (thank GOD), but that set me back in housework. Everything that could go through the washing machine, had to. I still need to mop both the kitchen and the bathrooms because of all the all-natural oils and stuff we used are on the floors. I DESPERATELY need to clean the bathrooms and organize them. Like, you have no idea how desperately. I also started on organizing the guest room the other day... and nope. It's not finished.

I have no decorations up in my house. At all. No pictures, nothing. We've lived there since May. It's bad enough that I've bought the paint and not painted -- I also haven't decorated at all. It's just so over my head. I know what I WANT to do, I just don't have the funds/energy/time to do so... and it depresses me. I want to love my house. I want pictures up on the wall, I want it to be pretty. I want to stop apologizing for things when people come over and just feel proud of my home.

Keevie's birthday is in 17 days. I'm having a birthday party in 18 days. My house MUST be acceptable by then.

I just... I don't know. I'm not depressed... I'm just tired. K can't quite walk yet. So you have to watch her like a hawk for falling. Plus, she wants to be right with me at all times. She won't let me wear her around the house very much, which makes it hard to do anything. By the time Carl gets home and can take care of her, I'm exhausted from wrangling her all day.

I need to quilt. And I can't. I don't have the motivation, nor do I have the time.

I love my baby girl with my entire heart. I love being her Mommy. But she is exhausting. Being a Mom isn't easy. It makes being a wife harder, it makes keeping a house clean harder, it makes LIFE harder. I love her SO much, and I feel guilty just writing this... but its hard, and it sucks sometimes. I feel so inadequate when I FINALLY get her to sleep and the only thing I want to do, or have energy to do is to crawl in my chair with a book. I don't even have energy to take a shower somedays.

It's not easy...but I'm still thankful I have her.

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