Pain

I believe its beginning. The cramping is intense... not the worst period I've ever had... but close. The spotting has turned red, and its pretty constant now. Funny how you sometimes get what you ask for. I asked to start miscarrying today, so that I would hopefully be done by performance time (tuesday).

I actually made it through the majority of the rehearsal. I couldn't do the last three scenes. The cramping was getting super intense, and I was beginning to feel week and dizzy. So, I sat. Sandra D was a gem, and told me to just go on home... I didn't want to do that because of risk of hemorrhage and being by myself.

I'm pretty emotional, but the majority of the tears I've been shedding have been pain tears. I'm scared of whats to come. I'm scared of being on my own and miscarrying...and having to deal with it. I'm even more scared of being not in my apartment. I don't know what I want to do when it does pass. It seems a little silly to bury it... but it seems even worse to merely flush it. It's a baby. A tiny, tiny human being. It deserves more respect than that.

I need to sleep, yet I'm not sleepy. I'm so crampy that I don't want to think about sleeping...We have lunch at one, then on the stage at two, and we're supposed to do costume changes... my pants are still wet. I'm also not quite sure what I'm going to be wearing for the second set. Might want to get on that.

Bed, bed... I think I'm going to bed.