Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Life's not fair

I have never felt a bigger hole in my heart. In all the breakups I've had in my life. In all the deaths, this little peanut has caused the largest hole, the largest void. I am miserable, and yet there is no plausible end to the misery. It seems that everyone around me is pregnant now, and where before I felt a sense of sisterhood with them, I now feel pain.

"There's the baby" Then a long pause, "But, unfortunately, there's no heartbeat. I'm so sorry." I didn't realize that that one sentence would completely alter the course of my life. I'm a mom now, I just don't have a little person to hold in my arms.

You leave the doctor's office completely empty handed. That needs to be fixed. You need something, ANYTHING to walk out with that would allow you not feel so lost, so without hope. I used to make baby booties for premature babies... now I'm considering making miniature baby blankets for the mothers of miscarried babies. Some tangible that we can hold on to.

On the "mybump" pregnancy board, a woman spoke about burying her 13w baby. I don't think thats necessarily for me... but, I don't know. I'm looking for a necklace charm to add to my necklace. I already wear it in remembrance of Carl's uncle Butch (it was his Christmas present to me last year). I also am considering a tattoo, although I would probably wait until the 6 month anniversary to get it, and not be rash. Funny, six months from now I would have been 1 month from delivery.

I don't know what to do with myself. I have this week off from school for Thanksgiving, which is a complete blessing, otherwise I doubt I'd be functioning. But I have so much homework due, and I've managed to read one chapter. This weekend I was to worried about the appointment to do anything, and now I'm too depressed. I'm considering emailing my teacher and asking what I have to get done to pass the class. Me, the perfectionist when it comes to assignments, is to that point. Past that point actually.

I have Feast of Christmas next week, starting on Saturday evening actually. I pray, upon all prayers, that it will be a healing experience. So many people knew I was pregnant, and I dread the pity we'll receive from them. I didn't want to tell anyone until I was 12 weeks, until I'd hit that magic number, but we were so just leaked out.

I want to go ahead and miscarry and get it over with, but then I don't... It scares me that I'm about to lose the little person whom I loved so dearly for such a short amount of time. I pray that it was quick and painless, that her heart just stopped beating and it was peaceful. I pray she felt no pain. I know it's not my fault, yet I feel like my body is the biggest traitor of all time. I feel like punishing it, yet I know this is highly unhealthy. I plan on trying to work out, trying to get some of my pain and frustration out that way.

Maybe I'll start writing again, something I haven't done hardly any of in years. Yet, it feels good to write this. I know it's healing, and I pray for that healing.

Where do we go from here? Do we try again? Do we wait? I want to start right now, yet, I'm worried that this will happen again and I am totally unsure of how I would take that. I yearn for a baby, I yearn for a bundle in my arms. I yearn.

Being a pregnant person in college is very, very difficult. More difficult than words can express. This has also been one of the hardest semesters I've ever tackled. I only have two more to go. Do we wait until I'm done in December of 09? Do we wait until he's done in May of 2011? Can I wait that long? I know the answer to that - No, I cannot.

Where do we go from here?

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