Saturday, June 12, 2010

Not enough

I've been feeling like I'm not enough a lot recently. Like I don't do enough, say enough, talk enough, blog enough.

My house isn't clean enough. We moved in around a month ago, and it's still not all unpacked and organized. I still have stuff in Mom's house to get. I hate that my house is "junky". It really bugs me, but I don't have enough time or energy to work on it. There is always a pile of dishes in the sink, or a dirty stove, or laundry to be done. I never get caught up. I'm still fighting the battle of laundry that was from our apartment that has to be washed before its stored because of the mold/bird stuff. There was about 12 loads of that, on top of our normal weekly loads. I've done around 6 loads some days, and I'm STILL not caught up.

I don't work enough. I didn't work at all this week. I spent the entire week trying to organize my house, and you can't really tell a difference. I should have been working more, but when I work, I feel like I neglect my house, and my duties as a wife.

I don't blog enough. Not just saying this for the 20ish people I have that read my blog occasionally. I don't blog enough for ME. I don't write out what I'm thinking and feeling enough. I need to write more about Keevia. I'm not keeping a baby book, this IS my baby book, and I want to write down more about her. Even if its just small little 6 line blogs. I NEED to do that more.

The one place where I do feel like I'm enough is with Keevia. I have her all day, every day. But sometimes that gets to be too much. Then I feel like a bad mom because all I want her to do is take a blessed nap so I can go pee. Blair was talking the other day about times when you just don't want to be there. For her, it's not always the bad times... for me, it's night time. When Keevia is fighting sleep, and I sometimes wish I believed in cry-it-out, or I wish that someone other than me could get her to sleep (without her screaming), so that I could just go crawl in the shower. Or when she wakes up at 7 in the morning and is wide awake, and ALL I want is another hour of sleep. Sometimes I wish I could just call someone and have them come get her.

But then, I open my eyes, and she smiles at me. And those feelings go away. They don't always go away at night... but she does go to sleep eventually, and even though I'm usually to tired to crawl in the shower, I do usually veg for a few minutes.

I always wanted to be a Mom, and I truly love every minute, even when I'm tired or I'm frustrated. And I always remember how much pain it took me to be a Mom. I'm not someone who got knocked up in high school as a mistake... I lost a baby, and now I have a baby in my arms, not every Momma has that. I try to keep things in perspective.

We have a good friend coming over to spend the weekend today... and all I can think about is will my house be enough? Will we get it clean enough? Uncluttered enough? Will the bed be good enough?

When will I be enough?

1 comment:

  1. Oh Shaina...I completely understand your feeling. Know that you are NOT alone. I've blogged about this a few times, but it's something I continue to struggle with. I'm hoping to blog again soon about how God is changing my heart and helping me to overcome these feelings of being a failure as a mom. No matter how many times my hubby tells me I'm doing a wonderful job, doing exactly what I'm supposed to do...I still feel like I should be doing more. I'm doing a Beth Moore study with a friend right now called "Breaking Free" and am really praying about being content with the role He has given me right now and, since my grandfather's death, I've been focusing more on enjoying every moment with my little ones. It's ok if the laundry isn't done or the house is a mess...the important thing is that your sweet little girl is happy and you are meeting her needs as a mom. I'm praying for you today and hope today is a better day!


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