Monday, June 21, 2010

Matters of the Heart

There are a lot of things that weigh my heart down these days. There are even more that lift it up.

Last night, Carl asked me to watch a movie with him. It being Fathers day and all, I thought I should oblige, and I asked what he wanted to watch. He said he wanted to watch "Facing the Giants", which we had bought at a yardsale for like, $1. I said okay, I hadn't seen it yet. He warned me that it was corny, but good.




Cry-fest 2010. I think I cried like 20 times. And yes, it was corny, and yes, some of the acting was bad, but it did. not. matter. The message is WONDERFUL.

Something that really struck a chord with me is that his wife can't get pregnant. They have tried for 4 years to do so with no luck.

Now, I know I've had 2 pregnancies, and I have a happy and healthy 8 month old to show for it. But you know what? I feel guilty because of that. Guilty because all through my high school years I was SURE that I wouldn't be able to conceive. My want for children was SO great, yet I had so many female struggles.

I had probably close to 20-30 ovarians cysts from when I was 15 until I got married. Every-time I was ultrasounded there was a cyst there (except for once, and I think it had already popped when they did the ultrasound). The first time I went in, I had "multiple bilateral ovarian cysts". From then on, I tried to learn to accept my fate. I wouldn't have kids.

I have all the symptoms of PCOS, just no diagnosis. Although, I've heard I would now fit in the diagnoses. I was PETRIFIED of not being able to have a baby, that when it happened, I was in shock.

Then I had a miscarriage. "Oh, well, no big surprise there". We hadn't been trying to get pregnant, and I thought maybe it was a sign. A sign that we couldn't, that we couldn't have children. So then I WANTED to try. I wanted to have that baby. I WANTED my child.

And so we tried again. We had planned on trying in March-April so that the baby would be born in January-February. We tried in January "just in case" and wham! I'm knocked up.

And I feel guilty. Why am I the one? Why do I get to have babies and other Mom's not? Why? I don't feel worthy. I love my daughter more than life itself, but I don't feel worthy enough of her. She is so perfect, and we want more children.... yet I don't feel worthy to even try for them... because there are so many people out there who CAN'T have them.

PCOS is on the rise. I think High Fructose Corn Syrup is probably a large contributor to that, and I have watched my diet hawkishly for years. I'm overweight, and I know if I could get that in control, I would be healthier, and it would increase my chances for more children... but maybe part of the reason I haven't been able to motivate myself to lose weight is that monumental feeling of unworthiness. I just feel like I'm not good enough to lose the weight.

But I am good enough. I'm good enough for Keevia, I'm good enough for Carl. I'm good enough for my parents, and most importantly, I'm good enough for God. I'm not worthy of God by ANY means, but I'm good enough for him, because he MADE me that way. I'm good enough to lose the weight. He gave Keevia to us. He chose us to be her parents (at least thats what I tell myself at 4 am when she's wide awake...).

I've been on the infertility side. I've felt that pain. And I know what it feels like. But you, too, are good enough for God, you just have to find the reasons in your heart, and hold to the hope in his promises.

This sounds like a big rambly mess, and I apologize... but this stuff has been laying heavily on my heart recently... and I had to get it out there. Maybe it will help someone, somewhere, feel a little better about their situation, or maybe it'll just make me feel relieved to have written it down.

It's 1 am, and Keevia is still asleep, so I think I must join her.

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