Anticipation

I do not want to go back to school. Period. End of story.

It's not that I don't want to go back ever, I just don't want to go back this semester. I have so much homework that needs to be done... and I have absolutely no motivation to do it. I have found myself just wanting to sit and read...or sit and watch tv. In fact... I don't even want to read. And that in itself shows a lot.

I still have miscarried. I've been spotting, but not having "the worst period of your life, where you'll have to change your pad every hour." In fact, I've barely been spotting at all. As much as I want this over and done with... I don't want to lose my baby. I know I've already LOST my baby... but... it's hard to explain.

I'm supposed to call the doctors office on Monday to let them know if I've miscarried or not. If not, they are going to schedule a D&C. Problem: I still have 2 weeks of school, which includes a week of feast. I have reached my maximum absences in 2 classes because of the pregnancy and the back injury I suffered at the beginning of the pregnancy. According to Blair from The Heir to Blair, D&C's suck, and are very, very painful. After reading her description of them, I never, ever, want to have one. However... I also don't want to do something to screw up my chances of getting pregnant again. This baby was a shock - I thought I would have a horrible time conceiving. I don't want to encourage my PCOS into stepping back into the light.

I'm scared. I'm scared I won't be able to get everything accomplished that must be accomplished. I'm worried that I'm going to fail a class. I'm worried that I won't be able to get pregnant again.

Thanksgiving was one of the hardest things I've ever done... and it wasn't even until we had LEFT Carl's families that it got hard. I had a wonderful time with his family. No one mentioned the miscarriage... which I didn't like. I talked about it. It was such a big event in my life that I felt the need to discuss it, to talk about it... to share it. It seemed to make his mother uncomfortable, but thankfully, his sister could talk about it more freely. But when we were in the car on the way home... I started thinking about next thanksgiving... and how we wouldn't have the baby that I had imagined. How we'd be showing up with empty arms, when Carl's sister would have three little boys. It ripped my heart in two to think about it. I PRAY I'm pregnant next Thanksgiving. We have to plan it right...so I'm not delivering during the semester. We'll have to see.

I'm scared to go back to school, because I'm scared of talking to people. We told waaaaaaaaaaaaay more people than I wanted too, but it just leaked out. Next time, no one knows until we pass twelve weeks. Period. Exclamation mark.

I should be in bed, I have a busy day tomorrow. I think I'll drink my wine, and try to sleep.