Movie Buff

I love movies. I don't really care what kind (except Westerns) as long as its a good one (and I'll even watch Westerns if its a REALLY good one). At this point in my life, I don't get to see a lot of movies. Carl can engross himself in one easily... but I have a much harder time. If Keevia's awake she's usually attempting to crawl all over me, or play with me, or she's falling and crying... I just can't concentrate. Then, if it's too late I'm tired (although this is getting better) and can't concentrate. I usually want to watch a movie that I've already seen so I don't have to miss things if I'm not paying attention for whatever reason.

But recently Keevia has been taking 2-3 hour naps. I've been working out pretty consistently during this time... but Saturday I was in DESPERATE need of cleaning out master closet. So I turned on Netflix Streaming and started cleaning. Instead of turning on an episode of "Bones", or even "Lois and Clark", I turned on a movie that had been recommended to me numerous times, "Easy A".

So....this movie had a LOT of potential. And there was a lot of it that I liked.

Olive is a high school student who lies to her best friend and tells her that she had sex with a mystery boy, George, instead of spending the time with her best friends family. Her friend blabs to the whole school. Ironically, they're reading "The Scarlet Letter" in her English class. Olive goes on to pretend to sleep with the rest of the male student body, which ups their reputations, while tarnishing hers. She has hilarious discussions with her parents, who remain supportive but uninformed. She vlogs about her "escapades". She has a running dry commentary that left me chortling in places.

HOWEVER.

I simply could not get past the BLATANT Christian bashing that took place throughout the entire movie. And I was so sad. Amanda Bynes (who I normally LOVE - one of my favorite movies is "She's the Man" and "Sydney White" was pretty cute as well) plays a character called Marianne who is a Bible-thumping...well, you know. She constantly berates Olive's character, informing her she's going to hell, and basically being every.single.stereotype of Christianity. It was so disheartening. And her boyfriend (don't ask me his name) who is in the chastity group with her, is, of course, sleeping with the school Guidance Counselor and receives Chlamydia from her.

By the end of the movie I was shocked that I had had numerous CHRISTIAN friends recommend this movie to me. I would never, ever recommend this movie to anyone, let alone a Christian! Have we gotten so bad as a Church that we not only stand by that type of humor, but LAUGH at it?

I have ALWAYS been someone who believes that we should be of the culture... but above it... if that makes sense. I've always been someone who goes and sees movies that aren't always defined as Christian so I could pull stuff out of them, so that I could have honest discussions with non-Christians. I think, as Chrisitans, we need to know what the world has, otherwise we can't discuss it. I've drawn lines for myself -- I don't watch horror movies. But I'll usually watch just about anything else. And this view has led me into SO many different discussions that I NEVER would have had had I stayed away from the mainstream movies. I don't watch ones that I think will damage me, I just watch what I think is popular.

But this movie just struck a nerve. Worse, it struck a nerve that so many people weren't up in arms around this movie, but recommended it, saying it was hilarious. Yes, there were funny parts, but they were MUCH less than the blatant disrespect of my religion.

So.... what good movies have YOU seen recently?

Thankful

Tonight, instead of dwelling on some things that made today difficult, I choose to be thankful.

I'm thankful for my sweet husband who works SO hard for our family. We sometimes don't see him very much, but he is providing for his family.

I'm thankful for being a stay-at-home mom, so whenever he DOES get a day off, Keevia and I can be here with him.

I'm thankful for my sweet almost 18-month old. I'm thankful for her smile, her laugh, her snuggles, her attitude, and her personality.

I'm thankful for midwives who CARE. Who take the time to listen to you, talk to you, and are happy to try it your way first.

I'm thankful for my parents and everything they do for my family. From the little things like watching Keevs so I can take a shower, to the bigger things, like letting us borrow their van on a very regular basis so we don't have to squeeze into a Ford Focus.

I'm thankful for a full pantry and freezer, and minimal grocery bills.

I'm thankful for Carl's raise, and receiving his first paycheck just in time to pay for new tires on his car.

I'm thankful for friends and family who make each day better.

I'm thankful for baptisms, even when we miss them.

I'm thankful for my Savior, who rose from the dead after three days.

Today...I'm choosing to be thankful instead of being sad. I'm choosing to be thankful instead of getting depressed.

Today, I'm thankful.

Giving it to God.

I'm going to be truthful. I am really, really struggling right now.

I want to be pregnant. BADLY want to be pregnant. Which is weird. Two months ago I BADLY didn't want to be pregnant. My baby was still a baby. I just strongly felt that I wasn't ready. Then it was like BAM and my baby hormones kicked in again.

Which is fine. But at that same time, I had a 54 day cycle. I'm currently like 37 days into a cycle right now. As soon as I get my period, I can start doing my basal temperature, but it's a waiting game to get my period.

And the hormones, oh my the hormones....Someone I know from high school posted a pregnancy announcement recently, and I was just overcome. I don't remember it being this bad after my miscarriage (although I'm sure it was worse, our hearts have a funny way of forgetting). Everyone it seems (I know not EVERYONE, but you know what I mean), seems to be pregnant, or to have just had a little bundle. I just don't understand the sudden RUSH of emotions.

So I'm trying to do what I need to do. I'm trying my hardest to hand it over to God. To say "Here. Your timing is perfect. You've shown us that already. Your timing in this would be phenomenal. I lay it in your hands."

It's hard y'all. It's very hard. All the what-ifs begin swirling in your head. "What if I can't get pregnant?" "What if Keevia is supposed to be an only child?" And those what-if's are scary when your dream is to be a mother, to have numerous children.

I really feel like this PCOS is kicking my butt right now. Before I had Keevia my cycles were pretty spot on, now they're 54 days??? We're almost completely weaned (she nurses like once a day), so I doubt that's it... I'd say it's the PCOS.

I'm trying to move forward. To take control of this disorder. To exercise. To diet right.

Lord, I lay it all in your hands. I lay the PCOS, the next pregnancy, the hopes and the fears. They're all yours. I know your timing is perfect. I know you have plans for us beyond our imagination, beyond our hope. I just pray that you open my eyes to your plan, and allow me to understand the steps you lead me on. I thank you for my beautiful daughter, my loving husband, and your Son, that you sacrificed for all of us. I thank you for the air we breath, and for the way you take care of us. I beg you to take care of this for me. It's in your holy name I pray.

Amen. 

"Voices of the Faithful" Book Review and GIVEAWAY!

A few months ago, I signed up on BookSneeze, and received my first book. I'll be honest, I picked this book because it had an author I was familiar with!

"Voices of the Faithful" is a daily devotion book, written by various authors. Beth Moore wrote the introduction and lent her name to the book. I've always had a heart for missions, and this definitely speaks to my heart!

Each day is written by a different author. They are small little stories written by real-life missionaries, showing the trials and tribulations of their life's work. It also shows the joy, the hope, the faith in God that gets them through.

I'll be honest, I didn't read the entire book. I did jump around a bit to get a feel for the whole book. Overall, I really enjoyed it. Each chapter of the book (each month) is a different theme. I really liked this, because if I was feeling persecuted, I could jump to June. If I needed to delve into God's Word a little, I could just to February. I loved that organizational touch! At the end of December there is a little bio of Beth Moore and information about Living Proof Ministries. It then delves in a little more into the mission field and gives information about how to pray, as well as if you're considering the mission field.

Each devotion is set up with a verse at the beginning, then the devotional part (the story), then a prayer at the end.

Personally, I longed for a longer devotion. I know that's not always feasible in a year-long daily devotional, but some entry's still seemed too short to me. It felt like I would just delve into a story and then be uprooted. Also, I'm not big on guided prayers, and they all seemed a little corny for me. However, I realize I probably need more corny in my life!

I would recommend this to anyone who has a heart for missions, or a heart for prayer (shouldn't we all?). Perhaps someone who wants a deeper level devotional should look elsewhere, but for someone who is looking for a 5 minute quick devotional... this is perfect! I would recommend it to all of my new Christian friends!

________________________________________________________________

And now.... who wants to WIN this book?

Great! It's super-duper simple. Are you ready?

1. Leave your name & email address! That's it! (Mandatory)

Additional entries:
2. Like "The Divas Mom Blog" on Facebook, then, suggest us to your friends. Anyone who likes the page and gives YOUR name will give YOU an extra entry!
3. Become a GFC follower!

Please leave a SEPARATE comment with each entry!

Giveaway will END on March  11th at 11:59 PM! I'll draw a winner then!

DISCLAIMER: I was given this book for free to review. I have given my honest thoughts about the book, and have received no other compensation because of my review.

Why do I keep from singing?

For those of you who may not know, singing has always been a big part of my life. Huge. Like, 95% of my time was devoted to it. I was choir(s), I sang solos in church, I led worship, I did 'entertainment' for a local festival. I sought out opportunities to sing as much as possible. I LIVED for choir. I LOVED singing for people. I actually started college as a vocal major, and then switched majors half way through mynsophomore year, but still graduated with a music minor.
When I wasn't singing with choir, or some other function, I was walking around the house singing whatever popped in my head. I swore that I had musical tourettes because I would randomly start singing something, or someone would say something that would spur a song cue. When I stepped into the shower, I gave an impromptu thirty minute concert for whoever was within hearing distance. I sang in the car WHEREVER we were going, usually at the top of my voice. I probably spent close to 4-6 hours singing a day.

I haven't sang in two years.

And it has absolutely nothing to do with the baby. Sure, it would be difficult to do much of anything with a 16 month old... but it really isn't her that is preventing me from doing what used to be my passion.

Today, I was blessed with the opportunity to go and see a childhood playmate of mine sing a recital. She did a co-recital actually, but in all honesty, I went with her. The stars were aligned, and somehow, I managed to go without my sweet baby girl (she was down for a nap about 10 minutes before I left).

So I went. I squeezed into a pew in the back as the announcer began talking. I sipped demurely from my water bottle, scanning the crowd. Then she began to sing her first piece "How Can I Keep From Singing?"

And it was gorgeous. Her tone was so crisp and clear, the notes just floated. I sat back in the pew and let the words flow over me. How do I keep from singing? Why do I keep from singing? I started crying as a piece was performed that I had performed before. I miss it.

While in the shower today, I started thinking. I do my best thinking in the shower. But I started thinking about why I don't sing anymore. And it's not just that I don't sing, it's that I will go out of my way to not sing. I've had numerous opportunities within the last two years, and when each one comes up, I conveniently find somewhere else to be, or some excuse to not perform.

My last semester of college, our choir was going to perform in Lincoln Center in NYC. The previous spring we had performed at Carnegie Hall. Carl and I had been engaged at the time, and had both went. It was wonderful. It was glorious. It was something I will forever be able to tell my children and my grandchildren. But the spring semester rolled around in 09 and the fees were due for the Lincoln Center trip.

The problem was, Carl and I were poor. Like, DIRT poor. I had raised the majority of my money the year before by writing letters and taking pledges, but I felt really, really bad about doing the same thing again. We pooled our funds, and had JUST enough money (well, almost just enough, we lacked about $200) for one of us to go.

I made the single most difficult decision of my life that day. I decided to drop out of choir and have Carl (the music major) go. I walked out of the music building knowing that I would never again sing with my college choir. Devastation doesn't begin to describe.

I'm not going to lie. I missed it like crazy that semester. Choir was an everyday class at our college, so Carl would leave to go, and if I were home, I'd just sit there, looking around the room. My entire time at that college, I had NEVER been free from 4-5 or 4:15-5:30. Ever. I had had choir almost every day that I had school.

And sure, it was nice to not be tied down to choir. But I missed it so fiercely. When they loaded up the bus to go to NYC, I was in shock almost that I wasn't going along. I was 13 weeks pregnant by that point, and deathly miserable with morning sickness... so I know that God has a plan, and looking back, I can clearly see that plan at work. But in the moment? I was just devastated.

I think that I have repressed all emotion surrounding that event. Surrounding that day I walked out of the music building, knowing I'd never go back. I know it sounds silly, but my identity was wrapped around being in choir. And when I was still at the college, and only sitting on the sidelines, I think it messed with me.

I realized today that I can't quit singing. Singing speaks to my soul. Whenever I'm down, there are songs that lift me up...regardless of the situation. I want to instill a love of music in my daughter... and I don't think it'll be all that difficult. But I want her to remember arias and showtunes... not because a famous opera singer sang them, or because she saw them on TV... but because she remembers her mommy singing them as she cooked dinner.

How can I keep from singing my song?

(This post is linked up to Serenity Now's Weekly Bloggy Read!

Miscarriage/Infant Loss Ministry & Ministry in General

This past Sunday, I finally made it back to church. Due to various reasons, I hadn't been in a few weeks. I'm so glad I went, because the message was seriously just for me. Our pastor told us a story about how God was pushing him to not say 'I wish I could do soandso but I just don't have time'. He told us a story about how he had ministered to a family for hours, even though he just wanted to go home. He went over and over about how we always say we don't have time, and that that's not fair to God.

And it got me thinking. Which is never a good thing! I decided to open my heart up and see where God lead me.

Immediately I thought of my in-laws. When we stayed overnight at their house this weekend, their laundry was piled up something fierce. I wanted to do something about it that day, but my toddler was up until close to two am, and we wanted to get back to the hospital the next day.

But that laundry just stayed in my mind. So today, my mom, Keevia and I made the almost 2 hour trek (one way!) over to my inlaws house. I did 7 loads of laundry today. I knew that when they got home, the last thing my mother-in-law would want to do was laundry. She keeps my three nephews most days while my sister-in-law works and goes to school, so she has a LOT of laundry. Plus, they've been at the hospital for five days, so they'd have five days of dirty laundry.

I'm exhausted. But I am so happy I went. I left a bed full of folded clean clothes, and an empty laundry room and empty bathroom. All she'll have to worry about is the laundry they had from the hospital.

While I was in the shower the other day, I decided that I need to just take a leap. Since my miscarriage in November of 2008, I have had it on my heart to start a miscarriage/infant loss ministry.

When I found out I was pregnant, a family member began crocheting me a blanket. When I lost the baby, she stopped. But she bound it off and gave it to me. That unfinished blanket, that symbolizes the unfinished life... it just means so much to me. I want to pass that along to other families.

So, Rows For Remembrance is born.

The goal of this ministry is simple. If you have had a miscarriage, or suddenly lost a baby to stillbirth, or some disorder or something like that... then we will provide you a hand crocheted or hand knitted blanket, made specifically for your child.

Each blanket will be customized for you. If you knew the sex of the child you lost, you can specify for either girl or boy. If you didn't know the sex, but celebrated your child as a girl or a boy, you can specify that. However old your baby was weeks wise will be remembered in the blanket.

Each blanket will have 20 rows standard, then an additional row will be added for each week you knew and loved your baby. If you were 8 weeks (like I was) when you miscarried, then your blanket will be 28 rows. If you were 35 weeks when your baby was born sleeping, then your blanket will be 55 rows.

I'm starting a blog specifically for this purpose, so keep an eye out for that. But, if you would like to help produce these blankets, or if you would like to donate yarn (I'm not going to ask for money!), please feel free to contact me. If you would like to be a recipient of a blanket, you can contact me now, but the organizational period may take a little bit.

If you can't help by knitting, crocheting, or providing yarn... could you please pray for this ministry? I'm a miscarriage survivor. I know how hard it is to go through it. I want to minister to these families, to give them something to remember their sweet ones with. Eventually I'd love to branch out to SIDS or other baby/child losses.... but for now, we're sticking with Miscarriage and Infant loss.

Thank you!

EDIT:

Check out the Rows For Remembrance Blog! I just got it up today.

A Whole Blog About Nothing

It has been a crazy weekend. Like, mondo crazy. My mind is blown by how tired I am, but I wanted to beseech all my readers (49 official followers! WOW!) to please be in prayer over the situation.

On Thursday, I received a scary phone call from my sister-in-law. My father-in-law was headed to a hospital in Kingsport, TN after having some tests done. He has pulmonary embolisms (blood clots in his lungs) and needed to receive medication and have further tests done. He's having his biggest (and scariest) test done tomorrow. Due to the families wishes, I won't go into details, but I would love it if you would all pray many, many prayers over him. And, at 9 in the morning, if you think about it, I'd love for you to pray for him then! That's when the test is scheduled to take place.

It was around 1 or 2 in the afternoon when we received the phone call that he was heading to the hospital. My husband left work (with permission) and came on home. We were unsure about if we'd be traveling to Kingsport (a 3 hour trip) that evening or the next day... or what really. I ran to town, dropped off some books with Amazon's Buy Back program, and attempted to get my TB test for my school physical read. Then I came home and packed. After talking with the in-laws, we played the "wait-and-see" approach. I ended up cooking around 4-5 pm, and while doing so, ended up giving myself and Carl 2nd degree burns on our faces. I was frying a steak in olive oil and butter (too much butter...) and I accidentally DROPPED the steak in, causing the BURNING HOT OIL to splatter both me and Carl. He has one burn RIGHT in the corner of his eye. I have one on my nose, one in between my eye brows, and one over top of my right eyebrow. I can't look any worse than I did in July though, when I had poison oak, so I don't sweat it.

We finally headed out around noon on Friday. Later than I would have liked to have left, but we were trying to see what the doctors said. We got to the hospital around 3:30 (after a few mis-directions... but we made it just fine!), and spent some time with Nudder'Papaw. We tried to keep Keevia up off the floor as much as possible to limit her germ exposure, but she had fun climbing all over Mamaw and Papaw, and being doted on as the only available grandchild (she normally vies for their attention against her three first cousins). We went out to eat with my mother-in-law that evening around 6-7 (I don't remember) so she could show us how to get to the street with the eats (since we didn't come in the right way, lol). We had Pratt's Barbeque, which was pretty decent! Once we dropped her back off at the hospital at 9, we trekked 2 hours back to Carl's grandparents house. I got to cross Black Mountain (the highest mountain in Kentucky!) at 11 pm at night!

It became quickly apparent, during that night-time trip, that a portable DVD player must be acquired soon. Keevia does FINE in the car during the day. She naps well, she coos and talks to us (she's still rear-facing). She "reads" her books. She does fine. But when the darkness falls across the land... yeah, not so much. She does NOT want to go to sleep usually (no matter her level of tiredness). If she does go to sleep, she doesn't stay asleep. And if she's awake, she's screaming bloody murder. Even if someone sits in the back with her... UNLESS you have the iPod touch with Wiggles podcasts. Then she's fine. But those podcasts are only about 4 minutes long. And I can only watch the same one 50 times before I'm begging for another option. So, with some of that Amazon Buyback credit, I have a feeling Keevs is going to get a DVD player.

We stayed the night at the inlaws (finishing season six of Greys Anatomy on Netflix that we started LAST weekend there...), and then got up and went back to the hospital. We stayed an hour or so, and then, in an effort to distract her, I got my mother-in-law out of the hospital and went shopping at TJ Maxx and K-mart. I got a pair of dress pants at TJ Maxx for $5. I could not be happier. I desperately needed them for when I start subbing. I seriously have no clothes that fit right now, and as I plan on not being this size much longer, I don't want to buy an extensive wardrobe to fit my size *gulp* 18/20 frame. But I can fit $5 in my budget. I also scored a pair of $5 pants at K-Mart! But these are lounge pants, not dress ones.

Nudder'Mamaw also got Keevia the CUTEST TUTU IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. It's a size 6, so it should fit for a while. I put her in it in the store to just see what it looked like, and she was ADORABLE toddling around in it.

Keevs fell asleep on the ride back to the hospital, so I called Carl down to the van, and we started home around 6pm. We ate at Zaxby's (yuuuuuuum) before heading out, and I was stupid and didn't get a coffee at Starbucks. I regretted that the eeeeeentire way to Norton when Carl had me take over driving just out of the Kingsport city limits!

We went for very, very depressing reasons, but Carl and I still had an enjoyable weekend. We love spending time with our family, I just wish it hadn't been in a hospital room. We discovered "Pal's" restaurant, and drank way too many Route 44's.

We stopped at the Wise/Norton Wal-mart on our way back home, and changed Keevia's poopy diaper. I went ahead and put her in PJ's on the (very) off chance that she'd fall asleep and stay asleep. I changed her in the family restroom, and somehow, I left her totally adorable pink penguin Robeez there. I called this morning, but no luck. Y'all, I cannot begin to describe how upset I am over this. I have NO idea how I did it. It literally makes my heart hurt, because I planned on daughter #2 wearing them as well. I love Robeez.

This is a big post of nothing, I know. Please be in prayer for my father-in-law, and for our entire family. Pray for peace through whatever the test holds tomorrow. Pray for guidance, and pray for wisdom for all of us. But mainly, pray that the test comes back clean, and that the blood clots dissolve quickly and safely!

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

This may be a controversial post. Maybe not. Who knows?

I don't believe in divorce. Not shocking by the fact that I proclaim to be a Christian. But I don't. Now, let me pause and say that I don't believe in divorce in most instances.

If someone is in an abusive relationship, or has been cheated on repeatedly and the other person will not change... then I believe in divorce. I don't think God made us to be miserable, and people DO change. Usually there is some life-altering event that causes them to do so, but they do change. And I think God generally wants us to be happy, and if we're in a miserable marriage, we aren't going to be happy.

Carl and I entered into this marriage with one key point in mind: Divorce is not an option. It's something we discussed heavily before marriage, and it's kind of a mantra we have. The best thing? I know that if we have some sort of fight (which really? We haven't yet) that if we need to walk away and cool off for a few minutes, I don't have to have that fear that he's walking away forever. Divorce isn't an option.

I think that a lot of the reason that divorce rates are so high in this country (and ESPECIALLY in Christian colleges) is that the people in the marriage don't get to know one another well enough. We all put on masks and facades, and when we do that, we never show our true selves to our significant others. It's depressing really. I was guilty of the same thing with Carl. The only difference was that usually when we broke up, we went back to being best friends. And the masks came off when we were friends.

A lot of Christian college people rush into marriage so that they can attend to their, uh, more carnal pleasures, without feeling guilty. And that's not right either. Yes, God blesses sex in marriage... but it doesn't mean you should get married so that those little joyrides you're taking won't make you feel so bad.

It just irks me that people take marriage so lightly anymore. Like it's a temporary relationship, always looking to the next person.

I have lots of friends who are divorced, and honestly? I don't judge them. I don't judge them because I wasn't in their marriage. I don't know what went on behind the closed doors. I don't want to offend any of my friends who read this. I really, really don't.

I think that people just don't think marriage through a lot of time, and I believe more people need to enter in with a "Divorce is not an option" attitude, and less of a "Where's husband #2?"

All The Single Ladies People

I have a heart for singles. I know, I know... It's not like I was Kelly from http://www.kellyskornerblog.com/, going years and years praying for THE ONE. I met my hubby in high school, we dated on and off, and then I got married at 20. I'm not trying to be condescending or anything... I really feel for singles!

I have quite a few single friends in my life, and oh how I wish they would find someone. The hardest part about being married is how crappy I feel that I found my soulmate, and they're still looking.

A good girl friend is going through a hard break up right now. We're physically not in the same place right now, so I can't wrap my arms around her in love and protection. I know how hard those break ups are. And I know how hard they are right before Valentines day (WHY. Why do boys do that? I realize it's probably because they have NO idea that there is such a thing as Valentines day coming up, but, I digress). I know what it's like to talk wedding plans and have all that ripped out from under you in one fell swoop.

Even in my most stressful days, when that tiiiiiny little voice goes "What if you were just single and only had to worry about yourself?" I never really want to go back to being single. I know how the loneliness feels. I know how painful it is. How it kills your confidence.

So today I'm praying for all my single friends. For all the girls and guys I know who haven't found their ONE yet. May God grant you peace. May he show you His love in a greater way. May he smile blessings upon your life, and point you to the right person in His time, and in His way.

Who do you know that I can pray for?

P.S. This is one of Keevia's all time favorite songs. I do not understand my daughters obsession with Beyonce.

Faith, in stages

I've been wanting to write a post about my faith for a while. Something that defines who I am, and what I believe in. But I realized that that isn't as easy as it sounds.

I went to a Bible college, and have sat through numerous Bible classes and theology lectures. And I'm going to tell you a big secret (they can't take my diploma away now, right?)... I would not have gotten through college if it weren't for my Daddy. He would read through the heavy theological books we were supposed to read and high-light and leave notes. He never did my work for me perse, he just brought it down to my level. I aced all the rest of my college classes, but philosophy and theology just never made sense to me.

Why didn't it make sense to me? Because to me it was simple.

Jesus is Lord. God sent Jesus to us to save us. There is no other way but Jesus.

The end.

I don't care about the philosophical ramifications behind the statements I just made. Maybe I should, but I don't. I believe that I need to love everyone. To spread the love that Jesus showed, and to not judge. It's not that hard of a concept, at least for me. I just can't wrap my head around all the nuances of the different philosophical planes.

So it's hard to define who I am as a Christian. I guess I'd have to define myself. I'm a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, aunt, and sometimes a writer. When I do all of those things, I have to do them with Christ showing through me... I shouldn't have to try... and Christian shouldn't have to be added to that definition list. It should be WHO I am, which everything else revolves around.

I'm not making much sense to myself... except that I need to bring God to the forefront of who I am and what I do. I need to be defined by him first, and the other titles second.

And I need to trust in him fully. For me, that's the hardest part.

Well, lets see..

It's almost a week after new years day... lets see how I've done on my resolutions so far, shall we?

1. Nope.
2. Nope.
3. Nope.

I recently read a book called "Something Borrowed" by Emily Giffin... In it, the main character, named Rachel, has this thing where when she's trying to stop doing something, she says "1 - 2 - 3, GO!" and gives herself a clean start. So.

1

2

3

GO!

In my defense on the Exercise front, I'm trying to make sure my body is in alignment before I start working out. I took a tumble in Lexington before Christmas when the ice was so bad, and I'm still not up to par. It knocked my pelvis, my sacrum, my right hip and various vertebrae out of alignment. For whatever reason, I'm not staying in with adjustments either. Right now my left low back is hurting, as is my right hip.

Keevs is doing fine. She now has 5 teeth! I noticed two days ago that she had gotten her lower right tooth!

This is purely for me:
Lower right tooth (middle): Nov. 8th
Lower left tooth (middle): Nov. 11th
Upper right tooth: Nov. 28th
Upper left tooth:Dec.3rd
Lower right tooth (outer): Jan 4th.

Keevia can now sign:
bird
hungry
nurse
more
all done
and occasionally eat
I think she's trying to get "drink" down. We're working on it!

She has said stuff as advanced as "little people" and she constantly tells the dog to "aay doowww" (Lay down). She says Mama, Mamaw, Papaw, and Dada pretty well! "Nana" seems to be drink, or nurse.

I really feel the call to pray more. I need to dive in the word much more than I have been. I'm going to be honest. My personal walk with Jesus is completely lacking. I honestly can only go up from here. And with the things going on in the world around us, I've been having some serious anxiety issues. I literally almost had a panic attack today while Mom was watching some alternative news videos. I just feel like God is saying "Pull into me" and I really, really need to listen.

I have a book review for Book Sneeze coming up soon, and maybe that will help me! I received a daily devotional book, that so-far, I really like. Something to look forward too!

So, yet again.

1. 2. 3. GO!

Thanksgiving and Prayer

This has been such a wonderful thanksgiving for me.

2 years ago, Thanksgiving was rough. I'd just found out I'd miscarried, and I was barely functioning through the holiday.

Last year, my baby was so itty bitty. I was worried to death about her, tired out of my mind, and living in a haze.

Now? I just pass the kid to whoever she'll go to, cook till I can't cook no more, and eat. A lot. Like, way, WAY too much.

And I'm thankful. I'm thankful for family and friends. I'm thankful for our house, for my husbands job, and for stability.

I'm thankful for my husband who seriously has to be the BEST husband in the world for all he does for me. I'm thankful for my parents who take such good care of us, and who love Keevia so fiercely. I'm thankful for common sense. I'm thankful for good weather. I'm thankful for fires crackling in the fireplace, and candles warming on a candle-warmer in the kitchen.

I'm thankful for first steps, first teeth, big open mouth kisses, and not-so-girly growling. I'm thankful for pink dresses, and soft bluejeans, and curls at her nape of her neck. I'm thankful for the way she snuggles her hand under my bra-strap as she nurses, and the sweet disposition she obviously didn't get from either of her parents.

I'm so thankful for a God who provides and a nation that allows us to worship that God. I'm thankful for plenty of food, and fun, and fellowship.

I'm thankful for three new lives that made their way into this world on November 22nd. If you don't know about these fresh little triplets, you need to check out their Mama's blog and send some special prayers their way.

I'm also heartbroken this thanksgiving, in the midst of all the warmth and love. I'm heartbroken for a family I know who just lost their precious, precious baby boy Jakin in utero, only 14 months after his sister was born sleeping. Words cannot express the amount of pain I know they are feeling, and how much my heart aches for them. I cannot begin to fathom the pain, or the road to recovery. I just know that their faith in God, and his wonderful presence will make this bearable. Their family has weighed SO heavily on my heart the last three days that I have just randomly broken out into tears. Please go love on this family.

I'm thankful, and heartbroken... and blessed.

Matters of the Heart

There are a lot of things that weigh my heart down these days. There are even more that lift it up.

Last night, Carl asked me to watch a movie with him. It being Fathers day and all, I thought I should oblige, and I asked what he wanted to watch. He said he wanted to watch "Facing the Giants", which we had bought at a yardsale for like, $1. I said okay, I hadn't seen it yet. He warned me that it was corny, but good.

Oh.

My.

Gosh.

Cry-fest 2010. I think I cried like 20 times. And yes, it was corny, and yes, some of the acting was bad, but it did. not. matter. The message is WONDERFUL.

Something that really struck a chord with me is that his wife can't get pregnant. They have tried for 4 years to do so with no luck.

Now, I know I've had 2 pregnancies, and I have a happy and healthy 8 month old to show for it. But you know what? I feel guilty because of that. Guilty because all through my high school years I was SURE that I wouldn't be able to conceive. My want for children was SO great, yet I had so many female struggles.

I had probably close to 20-30 ovarians cysts from when I was 15 until I got married. Every-time I was ultrasounded there was a cyst there (except for once, and I think it had already popped when they did the ultrasound). The first time I went in, I had "multiple bilateral ovarian cysts". From then on, I tried to learn to accept my fate. I wouldn't have kids.

I have all the symptoms of PCOS, just no diagnosis. Although, I've heard I would now fit in the diagnoses. I was PETRIFIED of not being able to have a baby, that when it happened, I was in shock.

Then I had a miscarriage. "Oh, well, no big surprise there". We hadn't been trying to get pregnant, and I thought maybe it was a sign. A sign that we couldn't, that we couldn't have children. So then I WANTED to try. I wanted to have that baby. I WANTED my child.

And so we tried again. We had planned on trying in March-April so that the baby would be born in January-February. We tried in January "just in case" and wham! I'm knocked up.

And I feel guilty. Why am I the one? Why do I get to have babies and other Mom's not? Why? I don't feel worthy. I love my daughter more than life itself, but I don't feel worthy enough of her. She is so perfect, and we want more children.... yet I don't feel worthy to even try for them... because there are so many people out there who CAN'T have them.

PCOS is on the rise. I think High Fructose Corn Syrup is probably a large contributor to that, and I have watched my diet hawkishly for years. I'm overweight, and I know if I could get that in control, I would be healthier, and it would increase my chances for more children... but maybe part of the reason I haven't been able to motivate myself to lose weight is that monumental feeling of unworthiness. I just feel like I'm not good enough to lose the weight.

But I am good enough. I'm good enough for Keevia, I'm good enough for Carl. I'm good enough for my parents, and most importantly, I'm good enough for God. I'm not worthy of God by ANY means, but I'm good enough for him, because he MADE me that way. I'm good enough to lose the weight. He gave Keevia to us. He chose us to be her parents (at least thats what I tell myself at 4 am when she's wide awake...).

I've been on the infertility side. I've felt that pain. And I know what it feels like. But you, too, are good enough for God, you just have to find the reasons in your heart, and hold to the hope in his promises.

This sounds like a big rambly mess, and I apologize... but this stuff has been laying heavily on my heart recently... and I had to get it out there. Maybe it will help someone, somewhere, feel a little better about their situation, or maybe it'll just make me feel relieved to have written it down.

It's 1 am, and Keevia is still asleep, so I think I must join her.

MIA

I know I'm MIA.

I really don't want to be.

My daughter hasn't been sleeping well... although, after a chiropractic adjustment, she is today!!! She had been waking an hour after going down for the night, and then staying awake for 2-3 hours. We've also had some stress with my Dad getting sick, but he's getting better, and we at least know its not serious!

Also, two of my uncles have had surgeries in the last two weeks, and my Mom has taken both of them to Lexington for the operations... leaving me at home, alone, with the wee babe... trying to do laundry, dishes, and deal with the workmen.

Oh, what's that? What workmen?

I'll tell you.

The main reason I've not been blogging though?

MY HOUSE IS ALMOST DONE!

Carl and I purchased a double-wide house on April 19th, it was set last Friday, and this week they've been doing various other things. They installed the septic system today, as well as finishing fixing the drywall/sheetrock (are they the same things?), framed the doors, and repainted all the places the sheetrock had cracked.

We are SO freaking close... yet we're still so far away. It's driving us crazy. It's literally like 25 feet away from us... and we can't be IN it. Yet.

Hopefully the water and such will be hooked up tomorrow, the siding will be finished...then we're just waiting on electric and for them to put on the underpinning. It's coming along! As soon as they get everything out of our bedroom (which has been the central location for all the supplies), I'm going to paint it, and then start moving stuff in.

It has been a total God thing right from the start. The price was one we could afford for a HECK of a house. It's 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, full dry wall, nice kitchen, working wood fireplace... it's everything we wanted!

On top of that, today I got offered all the brick we would need for temporary steps. That saves us, oh, about $60.

Also, while we were shopping for baby food and cereal yesterday, I managed to get 3 gallons of paint. I paid $5 for the paint to paint my bedroom, $7 for the paint to paint my kitchen/dining room (under the chair rail) and $9 for a accent wall in Keevia's room. I AM SO FREAKING HAPPY.

I promise, daily blogs will be soon.

Smoochies!

Can I get an AMEN?!?!?!

Can I get a woot woot? Can I get an Amen?

Carl got the transfer!!! YAAAAAAAAY!!! This means that we can now move home! He actually starts work on February 8th, and will continue to work in Winchester this coming week. Plus, instead of 21 hours a week, he'll start out at 25, and hopefully, HOPEFULLY get placed in Plumbing and get 35 hours a week. The ONLY downer to this is that he would go off of a schedule (I.E. He works from 5am-10am M-F, to finding out what hours we works every week).

Oh, the other downer, the one we need MAJOR prayer for.

Our lease is not up until May/June. That means we are supposed to be paying $395+utilities for an apartment that is now 2+ hours away from Carl's job. We need OUT of that lease. We're waiting until he starts working in Hazard before we call and beg and plead. So pray we can get out of the lease, because heaven knows we need that money.

We've picked out a trailer, and once he moves up in hours we're going to go to the bank and see how much money we can get. I'm praying it's enough for our home. Then we have to get a water hookup (praying we can just hook on to Mom's on that one) as well as electric, a sewer system, etc. It's going to be HIGH STRESS.

Totally unrelated note: I went to the chiropractor this morning, who is a very good friend of mine, and I told her I had some exciting news. And apparently she looked at my Mom with big eyes all excitedly. And then I told her we were moving back to Jackson and she got disappointed. She thought I was pregnant again!

Yes. We want more children, but boy oh boy do I have my hands full with just one right now. The thought of being pregnant again right now, as much as I LOVED being pregnant, literally makes me want to cry!

Oh, and for the people who wondered: Carl is currently not enrolled in school. For right now we're concentrating on our family, and he's concentrating on providing for his family. My deepest desire is to be a stay-at-home mom to my children, and thankfully he fully encourages and supports that desire. He really is the best hubby in the entire world! I'm attempting to take on some freelance writing/proofreading jobs, and since we'll be in Jackson full time, I can start helping Momma in the shop some more.

In more realistic terms, Carl needs to re-take the ACT and see if he can get the requirement for teaching in this state. If he can't, we need to re-evaluate what he's going to do. If he can, then fine, we can go back and try again. But we're already over $20 in debt from our college careers, and we don't need to continue to go in debt without a true goal in front of us. So, we're playing it by ear right now.

I think that's the most of the news this way. Please keep praying us home, and we're SO grateful for the prayers that got him the job! God is good (ALL THE TIME!).

Trying not to get excited..

Carl put in for a transfer from the Winchester office to the Hazard office today.

And it was approved.

Be in prayer, please, as this would be WONDERFUL. We both want to be home.

Tomorrow, Carl and I plan on going trailer shopping. Excuse me, manufactured home shopping.

Our current kind of plan is that we're going to sidecar a trailer onto my parents house. That way we could possibly share their septic system (and save ourselves $1500-2000), as well as their water. Then we would have our own electric. We would have our own space but still be close enough for them to help with the baby, and for us to just be close in general. Talk about your attached child (me!).

So, while our lease isn't up on our apartment until May, we may be moving back home sooner rather than later. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but holy crap, this is so what I want!!!

Be in prayer, please. As times get harder, I want to be at home in the mountains, where the recession never seemed to hit because in the mountains, there is always a recession going on. I want to be able to go to Wal-mart and have to stop 233 times to show my kid off to people who haven't yet met her. I want to know, that if I'm out in town and my car breaks down and I can't get a hold of my Mom or my husband, I know everyone else in the town and can just call one of them. I want to be so well known by the grocery store owner that when I have Mom's debit card, there are no questions. I want to be home, and so does my hubby. So pray, would you? Thank you!

Insurance and little swines

Yesterday was an extremely, extremely long day.

It started out with a visit to the Child and Family Services office. Don't judge me, I had a medical card for my pregnancy. I went to turn in Keevia's proof of birth. When I got up to the window, the lady told me I had 'nothing active.' I got pretty confused, as they told me to bring in her proof of birth once she was born, the receptionist then asked me if I wanted to re-apply, and I said "I guess?"

So, they called my name, and I had another case-worker (this would be my 3rd). He was SUPER nice though, and as he was leading us downstairs, commented that he had no idea why my card had been canceled. We sat down and began going over details again, and I believe we figured it out.

I applied for the card last November, with my first pregnancy. When I miscarried, I did what I was supposed to do, and called the office in Grayson and informed them that I had miscarried. They said they would record it, and that that was all I needed to do. So, I went about my business. I assumed my medical card was null and void now, and didn't worry about it. In January, I got a letter explaining the benefits of my card. I called back, and they said that it was a valid card. I assumed that Carl made so little money that I got to keep it.

I got pregnant pretty much right away, and just continued to use the card. I didn't call back because I had never been TOLD to call back.

When Carl lost his job in July, I went back in to the office in Jackson and updated our file. This included updating his job status, our address, the babies due date, EVERYTHING.

I went back in yesterday... NONE OF THOSE CHANGES WERE IN THE COMPUTER! They had never recorded my miscarriage, and so my medical card ran out 1 year after I had applied. On October 31st.

I was discharged from the hospital on October 31st.

It gets better. I'm supposed to have 2 months of post-partum care after the birth, and then lose my medical coverage. Keevia qualifies for K-CHIP, so she's covered.

Carl started at Lowe's quite a bit ago, and we had 31 days to choose an insurance plan. Because of pregnancy and birth, we had never registered for his insurance. He was registering yesterday when I texted him and told him he'd have to add me. If we hadn't waited, I would have been completely out of insurance from January-July, because once you enroll, you can't change your enrollment unless you move to full-time or have a baby or other BIG changes. He couldn't add me just because I was without insurance.

So, the insurance we have now isn't that great, but its insurance. It amazes me how much we can see God's hands in our lives these past months. From one job to the next, to delivering RIGHT when we needed to for me to have coverage... to getting insurance on the last possible day of enrollment. It blows my mind and makes me want to fall to my knees. We have been so blessed.

Sure, we're super tight on money. Sure, I have no freaking clue how we're going to pay rent this month... sure I wish we had more money... but it is OBVIOUS that we are exactly where God wants us in life... so I just have to have faith that he will continue to provide as flawlessly as he has.

And honestly, when you look at this face, how can you not believe in an awesome creator?



After we went to the medical card office (also, when I go into the office to apply for a medical card, do NOT bombard me and try to sign me up for food-stamps, and WIC, and keep pestering me and pestering me. I feel bad enough getting a medical card. Mmkay? thanks) we went to my Chiropractors for Keevia's first appointment. She did really well! She nursed and slept and got her 5th Thoracic vertebrae adjusted! Other than that, she was fine!

From there, we went to Pizza Hut, which made me sick (honestly, must we put preservatives on EVERYTHING nowadays?), then Wal-Mart, then the Pediatricians.

At the Pedi, we learned that my child is a pig. She's gone from 8lbs 2ozs at birth, to 7lbs 8ozs at 3 days old, to 8lbs 10oz on day 18. My pedi even CALLED her a pig.

It makes me feel more confident though, as I know I'm producing more than enough milk for her! haha!

She also got some eye-gel for her clogged tear duct, and a clean bill of health! I had to feed her in the grocery store parking lot, as we're not fans of being naked in the doctors office, and then we finally, FINALLY headed home.

Fibro was acting up, probably from being so tired on top of weather changes. I still feel icky, but not nearly as bad as I did yesterday!

I'm off to do laundry and dishes for Mom, and then make some Sticky Popcorn for Carl and I before he leaves for work (insert sad face here).

Wonders

God works miracles. God works in wonderful ways.

This is pretty common knowledge, yet its sometimes hard to see these in our own lives.

My husband is switching colleges. This is a decision that has been met with resistance from our current college, and joy from the college he will be attending. Both Carl and I attended EKU our first year. For various reasons, we both left. I lived in the dorms my first semester, and then got an apartment by myself the second semester. I had to break my lease when I switched to KCU, but I had been told I was going to have to move anyways.

Carl, my Momma and I all went down to Richmond to look for an apartment on Wednesday. I had spent several hours Tuesday calling different apartment agencies, and getting listings. I had scoured the newspaper's adds. I had a list of several possibilities, and was quite hopeful.

So, we get to Richmond and begin looking at apartments. All the ones in our price range (under $450 for rent and utilities) were way, way, WAY too small. There was no way that our bed (queen size) and a baby bed would fit in ANY of those bedrooms, and there's no way that my baby is sleeping in another room as a newborn.

So, we began driving around, looking for "FOR RENT" signs, and calling the numbers that were on the signs. We struck out for about an hour, when Mom decided to drive down around where my old apartment had been. It was about 2 blocks from campus, so I thought, sure, why not. We had been told that the buildings were going to be torn down, and that was why I had to move (I moved anyway before I HAD to move, and because technically *I* broke lease, I lost my deposit.) When we drove to the end of the street, low and behold, there was my old apartment building! And low and behold, there was a for rent sign in the yard!

So, Carl called. They had a 1 bedroom availble and a 2 bedroom. We asked if we could see them, and the lady said sure. I jokingly said "Wouldn't it be funny if that one bedroom was my old apartment?" When the lady got there, she led us into my old side of the building, and then TO MY OLD APARTMENT. I started cracking up, then when she gave me an odd look, I told her I had previously lived there.

We went inside, and checked everything out. Basically, it was just as I had left it. It was $395 + utilities. I'm not really sure how we're going to swing it, but it was by far the best choice. We signed the lease, paid first months rent, and now have the keys. We will tentatively begin moving things in on the 3rd for 4th. I want to get everything out ASAP as I will be paying double rent until we do. I have an appointment with my new doctor on Monday, June 1st, and figure I may need Tuesday to recover, so we're planning on going to the apartment on Tuesday night to begin packing.

I'm excited. I loooooved my old apartment.. it was perfect. It's a very large bedroom, and fairly large living room/dining room area. The best feature? IT HAS A FREAKING DISHWASHER. The only downer is that it has an apartment size washer/dryer, and if it breaks, they will not replace it. There are no washer/dryer hook ups and no room to put one in anyway.

It was just too much of a coincidence that it was MY old apartment that we now rent. There are probably thousands of apartments in Richmond, and this is the one that we end up in. Crazy as it sounds, this just concreted it in my mind that this is the right decision for us.

We're going to miss KCU. We may have not agreed with all of the rules and regulations, or the bureachracy, but we'll still miss the people. We feel this is where we're being called, and we're happy to react to that call.

It's not just cold outside...

God is really testing me it seems. I've always considered myself fairly strong of faith, but here recently God is laying out opsticles that seem to be stressing me out more than ever.

I don't want to mention some of them, as dear husband and I are merely beginning to discuss them. But they involve change, and a rather large change at that. Instead of scaring me like it should, that change exhilirates me and has me so excited I want to burst. I also feel very at peace with it. The only bad thing is I can't plan, and if you know me in real life, you know I like to have a plan...at least on the big stuff. It's stressing me out to not have said plan, to not be able to go "Okay, but on this day we'll be here." I'm really having to struggle to give it over to God. It's all on his (and ultimately Carl's) shoulders. Other than paperwork stuff, I have absolutely nothing to do with this decision, or the events that would lead up to this decision, and that stresses me out too!

Secondly, and this stems from the first one as well... we have baby fever. We both want to be pregnant right now. Neither of us wants to wait until April. However, back to "the plan." Do we wait anyway? But, where will we be in Jan/Feb of 2010? Do we try? Is it going against God's will to try? What IS God's will in this situation? If we try not to get pregnant, is that going against God's will? How in the heck do we know what God's will is in this situation? Yet another stressor! I don't want to miscarry again, and I don't want to put us in a financial situation that we can't afford, especially in these financially unstable times. Peanut A worked out wonderfully because I would be giving birth in June, between semesters. If we got pregnant this month, I'd be giving birth in November, which wouldn't work out well. However, other factors have it weighing on my heart that I should try and get pregnant this month. How do we know what God's plan is? Would he allow us to get pregnant if it wasn't in his will? By us trying to get pregnant, are we going against his will? These are all questions that have been floating in my mind all day.

I have 2 classes to go after this semester. Theoretically I don't have to take them at KCU and could just transfer them in. If Carl doens't stay at KCU next semester, that's probably what I'll do. But it's just so hard! We received an email asking us about our plans for summer residency today and I just wanted to scream. "I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!"

First step, Husband needs to take his ACT again. He's signed up for it, I just don't know when he's supposed to take it. That, I guess, should be my main concern right now. I just don't know what to do about the pregnancy issue. Common sense and responsibility tell me that we shouldn't try for YEARS... but our hearts are aching for us to not listen to common sense.

Alright, there's my depressing, confused post of the day. I may try and write something more upbeat, like a movie review for My Best Friend's Girl later this evening... when I'm not reading the 60 pages I have due for World Religions tomorrow that is!

Ciao

GreAT day!

Man, has it been a good day!

I almost added this to the Not ME! post, but decided it deserved its very own.

First: We sold Carl's mustang today! This is a HUGE praise!!!!!!!!!!!! We've been trying to sell it since this summer. When we pulled into my parents driveway this weekend, Carl goes "I'm just going to sell it to the guy in town" well, the guy in town wasn't offering us what we wanted for it... so I said "Well, lets actively try to sell it again, and if nothing pans out from that, then we'll sell it to the guy in town."

WE GOT A PHONE CALL AN HOUR LATER! We sold it for the price we wanted. We never tried to do it actively, we just went in the house! GOD IS GOOD!

Second: I GOT MY PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!

Third: We sold Carl's drumset today!!! Another $520! GOD IS GREAT!!

Good day, very, very good day.

Please continue to pray for baby Harper! She's doing much better! I'll post a link on the side later!!

HAVE A GREAT rest of the monday!