Heavy Heart

I find myself with a heavy heart today. Just as I have felt for the past 8-9 days. My heart is so heavy for Mckmama and her family, and especially for sweet, sweet baby Stellan.

I find myself, on an almost hourly basis, reaching for my computer to check twitter or blogger. I always want to check on Stellan, and know that he's doing okay. It breaks my heart when MckMama posts that he's going into V-tach, or that he's having a bad day.

How odd is it that we fall so in love with people we've never met? Yet, I feel like I know Mckmama and her whole family. I hurt for them. I've lost sleep over their journey. I just want to make everything better for them.

School is really getting me down. We start spring break on Friday, and then when we return, we only have 3 more weeks of school! woohoo! I have 2 papers to do over spring break, and a toooooon of other homework. We'll see how it goes.

I'm alive.

I have an ear infection and "an infected throat." I'm not too sure of the competancy of the doctor I saw today (seeing as the nurse took my blood pressure on my forearm, and never DID take a temperature - I was running one too, mind you). But, I have antibiotics, so hopefully all will be well in due time.

Carl and I traveled to Richmond yesterday for his audition. He did wonderfully. I felt like a proud momma, not just a proud wife! The choir director seemed really impressed as well! He managed to sell $120 worth of pens while at the audition...that's my husband, a little entrepreneur! We got to eat at Fongs which is the best Chinese restaurant thats not in Chinatown. Then, we had good ole Cracker Barrel for dinner. We were celebrating being together, off and on, for 6 years. That's right, on March 24th, 2003 I said yes when he asked me out for the first time! Of course, two weeks later, I think we were broken up again... but, you know...

I apologize for not writing in a while. I feel the need a lot, but it gets pushed down on my list of to-do's. I have felt SO badly for the past week or so... my homework's not getting done, let alone the cleaning, let alone the blog!

PRAY!!!! Pray that I feel better, that my Husband can continue to put with me and my sickness... and pray that we get everything cleared through EKU. PRAY that we find a cheap apartment (I'm feeling more and more encouraged, I found 2 bedrooms for $450 and that INCLUDES all utilities but Cable!!!

PRAY for Stellan. PRAY that God heals his tiny heart and we all get to love on him in upcoming gatherings.

I think that's all... I need a bowl of cereal.

I'll try and write more, once this pile of homework gets under control some.

I refuse

I refuse to talk about all that is bothering me.

I refuse to be a negative person.

I refuse to fall into the same spring time depression that I get every year.

I refuse to let other people get to me.

I refuse to dwell on the bad.

I refuse to merely sit idly by and let my future jeopardize itself.

I pledge to move forward.

I pledge to try harder.

I pledge to take things standing up, or on my knees (in prayer) but not in the fetal position.

I pledge to listen to my body.

I pledge to listen to my heart.

I pledge to do whats best for my family.

I pledge to have no regrets.

I pledge to trust God.

I pledge to let go.

I pledge to try and be happy.

Luck O'the Irish

I've not had a very Irishy day...I must admit. I'm a bad person and skipped class this morning to sleep in... I didn't feel well, at all. And I couldn't subject myself to that class feeling the way that I did. I did, however, go to chapel... and then picked up Bug, and then came home. Bug fell asleep with Carl on the couch, and then I just pittered around the apartment, trying to stay as quiet as possible. Bug left at his usual time, and then I curled up on the couch. My husband has done an excellent job taking care of me, anyone wanna come help him and wash our dishes? I can't stand to do them, and I know he doesn't want too!

We watched some Lois and Clark, and then we watched NCIS, The Mentalist...and now I guess its.. well, I don't know what this show is... but it comes on after the Mentalist.

I turned in an assignment a day early. Is this not outstanding? Oh, and that homework that I spent all weekend working on? Isn't due until next week. GROWL.

I am about to go get in the bathtub. I don't feel like taking a shower, but I'm too stinky to not do something! I think a nice, warm bath is in order!

I SWEAR that there will be a post of substance by the end of the week! 2 movie reviews are coming, Nights in Rodanthe and Australia. Get excited!

Pray for my friend, she's going through a very rough time right now, and my heart goes out to her.

Pray for the Tippings family, they were pregnant with Sextuplets and lost all 6 over the course of last week.

Not me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.


I definitely do not feel like climbing back in bed and just staying there all day.

I did not just make 2 pieces of toast, only to be able to choke down 1 slice.

I did not cry so hard last night, for no reason, that I finally got to go to sleep... in essence, I did not cry myself to sleep!

I do not have a horrible aversion to cooking tonight, and am, in fact, not dreading it.

I also, am not DREADING going to work/class today. SO much so that I want to cry again.

And I definitely am not still working on homework that was due last Thursday.

That's my Not me! Monday. Head over to MckMama's blog!

Shaina

RE: Mommyness

I got the coolest letter in response to my "Mommyness" post. The title of the email was "Good for you!" And the body is as follows.

Hi Shaina,
Ran across your great post after my Google Alerts for Trisomy 18 picked you up.
YES -- you are a mother. Just like me.

I noticed in your profile you mention you are a freelance writer. If you might like some assignments from Trisomy 18 Foundation, let me know. Love to see other things you've written. We have a large audience of mothers in their child-bearing years on the same path as you dealing with loss and still trying.

Warmly,

Victoria Miller

How sweet is that? Also, my sweet reader Abbie, who had a due date extrodinarily close to mine, posted my post as a recommendation. Thank you Abbie! I hope it touched you!

URGENT prayer request!

Okay prayer warriors, this sweet boy whom I babysit for, we shall call him "Bug" is one of the easiest babies I have ever sat for. In 3 days he turns 11 months. I was supposed to babysit him tonight at 6 pm, but his Mom never showed with him. I assumed she was missing class, or his dad was missing work. Around 7 I got a phonecall from his Dad. He said "I bet you wonder where the baby is, huh?" and I said that I did. He then informed me that they were at the local hospital with him, as he had gotten a hold of a doorstop, and then when his Momma got it out of his hands, there was a missing rubber piece. They couldn't find it, so off to the hospital he went. He's going to have to have a scope to remove it if it's in his tummy. They had to transfer him, via ambulance to a hospital 2 hours away with a specialist. They read the x-rays at the local hospital, but when they were beginning the transfer, his dad didn't know if they had seen it on x-ray or not. Being rubber, it may or may show up on the x-ray.

Please just pray for the quick and painless as possible removal of the piece, or better yet, that this is just a big extra precaution!

Here's a sweet picture of "Bug" taken on my couch as he enjoyed a biter biscuit.

Mommyness

I admit it, I lurk on the first trimester boards of thebump.com.

While doing so the other day, I happened upon a “poll” that was causing quite a bit of controversy. The question was “Do you consider yourself a mom while pregnant?”

Simple question, no? This message caused several fights. I tend to not hang out there much, merely because I feel like I’m past high school, thankyouverymuch. I believe that quite a few of those ladies haven’t gotten past high school. That bothers me.

Nonetheless, I ended up adding my 2 cents to one of the posts that followed the main post. I simply stated that, as the mom the an angel in heaven, I felt that I was a mom.

There was even argument about that.

This bothered me, bothered me to my soul.

There were Mom’s on there with infant children, who were wasting thier time making the pregnant mothers feel bad. It seemed to be their only pleasure in life. One’s name was “bananahammock” and seemed to be the childish of them all.

I finally brought up a point, asking their opinions on it. I simply stated (I’m paraphrasing here) that I had lost a child, and therefore felt that I was a mom because of it. Sure, I never changed the diapers of my child, or breastfed my child, or sang my child to sleep. But I never had the opportunity to do that. I don’t think it’s right that I not have the title of “mother” along with everyone else that does get to do those things for their child. I went on to say that I was sure that I would grow in my motherhood once I actually had a child and was able to care for it in the day in day out basis, but until that point... I considered myself a Mom. I also brought up the point of mothers who have stillborn babies, or Trisomy 18 babies. They never have the chance to do those things either, yet we consider them moms.

I don’t know why this bothered me so much. Maybe because I had to grieve for the loss of child I never got to know. When you lose a child, you lose your hops and your dreams for that child. You lose a part of your heart. It hurts me to think that there are people out there that see that as inconsequential. There were even people that had raised siblings from young ages, and were told they “had no idea what it takes to be a Mom.”

I was infuriated but this behavior. They have no right to speak of peoples life's that way. Maybe it’s my christian background, and my nonjudgmental upbringing... but how dare they judge?

Does this bother anyone else as much as it does me? I know I have some fellow miscarriage survivors as loyal readers, and I would love your opinions. There were even some miscarriage survivors that disagreed with me, and said that they wouldn’t be Mom’s until they had a baby. I just don’t feel that way.

So what about you? What are your views on the subject? Am I losing it?

Speechless.

God's glory continues to amaze me. On days like today, when I have barely felt like moving off my chair (stupid fibro...) and have fixed pizza for supper because I feel so bad, God manages to bless me in the most peculiar and amazing ways.

I have an Etsy store (see the right border thingie). Actually, I have two. One is for my photography, and one is for my spinning. I recently had my first sell. 3 skeins of yarn, of an undetermined length. I sold it for a much lower price than is common, simply because I didn't know how much there was of it. The purchaser was a girl named Belle from Tennessee. I spin undyed rovings, so she bought it to attempt dying her own yarn. She commented on my Etsy this morning and asked if I would like to see pictures of the finished product, and if I did want to, to email her.

So, I emailed her. If I've never sent an email to you, the following is my signature at the bottom of all my outgoing mail.

--
"God is able to do immeasurably more than all we could ask for or imagine." Ephesians 3:20
Practice random acts of kindness, and senseless acts of beauty.
-
Shaina N
musicaltourettes@gmail.com

When she wrote me back, with the following b-e-a-utiful pictures, she said the following:
Wow. God is so good. I really needed encouragement and the Scripture you have at the end of your email made me cry! It was like God sent me a little note from His Word using you as a vessel :)


I then wrote her back, telling her the inspiration for the verse. I don't know if any of you have read Harper's story, on Kelly's Korner but you should. That verse is the mantra that Kelly used throughout her entire pregnancy and Harper's hospitalization. That inspiration was astronomical, and I decided to adopt that verse as my mantra, to overcome the miscarriage and the following steps to having a baby in our arms. I shared a bit of our story with her, and then mentioned how absolutely amazing God is.

In her responding email, she told me her story of infertility. She endured miscarriages, PCOS, IVF....and thousands of dollars of debt, but she finally gave birth to a healthy (and fat, as she put it!) baby girl. When their daughter was three, they decided that they wanted to try and adopt, by fostering first. Their first foster child was a 4 pound baby boy, who was a preemie born 2 months early. They were supposed to have him for 3 weeks while the paperwork went through for his already chosen adoptive family to take him. Before the three weeks were up, the adoptive family backed out, and Belle and her husband were able to take the baby boy, whom they named Elijah into their home, and their hearts.

I'm crying as I write this. Their story is such a strong one of inspiration... and how odd is it that we met because she purchased some yarn from me online? How awesome does God work? I just am flabbergasted, in awe, and praiseful.

I promised pictures. The first is the yarn I spun, and then the yarn I spun after she had dyed it. I'm speechless at how beautiful it is dyed!!




Isn't it gorgeous? Not that I'm biased. :)

Look for a post coming soon on Mommyness. It's something thats weighing on my heart, and bothering me, and I would love your opinions on it.

Keep my "uncle" in your prayers. He's in his late 60's, early 70's and was in a car wreck yesterday. Due to lack of insurance, he wouldn't go to the hospital, even though he was having abdominal pain. He lives with his 2 older sisters, and his older brother. One of his older sisters was supposed to have cataract surgery today, but I'm not sure if that still happened. They are actually our neighbors, whom I love dearly and grew up around, and they're basically extended family!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Tuesday!

Motivation

Wow. I didn't do a Not Me! Monday post.

I have no motivation, and it's not just school related. I haven't had the motivation to make a cup of coffee. This, if you know me, is scary.

I have, however, had the motivation to veg out in front of the tv. Not even motivated to read. Or blog. Or do homework. Or shower.

Hence, the no "Not Me! Monday" post. And the lack of posts this weekend.

Mmmkay, going back to my TV show, then going to have to muster up the gumption to go to a student council meeting.

I'm promising myself a coke afterwards. That's my motivation.

Just because I love you......

I'm going to tell you my embarrassing story of the day.

So, I get up this morning, get dressed, grab my jeans off the bathroom floor (from when I showered) and slide them on. I put on a shirt, FLIP FLOPS (thank you, dear Lord that the weather is warm enough for flip flops!) and walked out the door to chapel. I have about a block to walk, so I just settled in and started walking.

About a third of the way there, I notice that something must be in my pants leg, as its starting to feel kind of funny. So, I begin to think it's a sock, and I'll get it out when I get to the chapel. Then, I suddenly realize I didn't have socks on... so it has to be a pair of underwear. Dirty underwear.

I just keep walking...as there is no way I have enough balance to hop on one foot and pull them out. Then suddenly, I notice I don't feel them, and look back...and there, in the middle of the sidewalk are my favorite underwear.

I look forward, and there's only one guy sitting on a bench, looking down. I look behind me, and there is no one. So, I make a decision, lean down and whip the underwear into my purse.

I laughed the rest of the way to chapel. Sad part? My underwear are still in my purse.

We FINALLY watched Nights in Rodanthe the other day. Oh. My. Gosh. Movie review to come soon, promise.

After our target run, (where I purchased "Bride and Prejudice" a bollywood musical that is WONDERFUL, for only $9), we went to Wal-mart, Best Buy, then Steak and Shake. Carl and I had a wonderful time, just the two of us. It was SO nice to get out of the apartment, and off campus, and just spend time with my husband.

Alright, I'm off to doodle. I got my drawing assignment done for class today, only to discover class was canceled. Oh well, at least this class has opened up a love of drawing in me...even if I don't like the class at all!

I hope you have a wonderful Friday!

Shaina

EDIT:

I almost forgot! Please pray for my friend Shauna. She went into surgery this morning to put shunts into her kidneys. She's either 27 or 28 weeks pregnant with her first child. She's such a sweet girl! Please pray for her, her husband Joe and their daughter, Jaina Reese. The last I heard was that she was going into surgery.