Hard to be happy

It's very hard for me to be happy this weekend. I have lived and breathed KCU's choir for several years now, and yet this semester, we couldn't afford for both Carl and I to travel to NYC to perform in the Black Gospel concert. So, since he's the music major... he stayed in Choir and I dropped out.

Now, while my days have been much easier without choir... I've missed it dearly. When we entered into this semester, we assumed this would be a hiatus from choir, and then I'd come back in next semester for Feast, for my last semester of choir.

However, plans change. We're not going to be at KCU any longer. I'm finishing this summer, and I will never get to sing with KCU's choir again.

I have tears in my eyes just typing that. I love it. I love performing. I love tour. Servants tour changed my life all three summers that I got to participate in it. I LOVED Feast. I never complained about rehearsals, because I had so much fun. This past feast was so difficult because of the miscarriage. But I made it through and performed all 6 performances. And LOVED IT.

Little did I know it would be my last performances. I don't know that I'll ever sing in another choir, and certainly not another choir of this caliber... and that scares me, and saddens me greatly.

I know its for the best though. They had a 12 hour car ride today, and just the thought of that while pregnant makes me shudder. Also, the way my morning sickness has been, I don't want to contemplate it. But still, when I drove past them getting ready to load the bus this morning, my thoughts went back to last year. I relived several moments in class of our trip last year, and almost cried. It was an amazing trip, and a amazing concert. I can tell my children I sang in Carnegie Hall (and their Dad sang in Lincoln Center!)

Yet... how could would it have been to have told Sweet Pea that she/he had their first "performance" on the stage of Lincoln center?