Wednesday, February 4, 2009

It's not just cold outside...

God is really testing me it seems. I've always considered myself fairly strong of faith, but here recently God is laying out opsticles that seem to be stressing me out more than ever.

I don't want to mention some of them, as dear husband and I are merely beginning to discuss them. But they involve change, and a rather large change at that. Instead of scaring me like it should, that change exhilirates me and has me so excited I want to burst. I also feel very at peace with it. The only bad thing is I can't plan, and if you know me in real life, you know I like to have a least on the big stuff. It's stressing me out to not have said plan, to not be able to go "Okay, but on this day we'll be here." I'm really having to struggle to give it over to God. It's all on his (and ultimately Carl's) shoulders. Other than paperwork stuff, I have absolutely nothing to do with this decision, or the events that would lead up to this decision, and that stresses me out too!

Secondly, and this stems from the first one as well... we have baby fever. We both want to be pregnant right now. Neither of us wants to wait until April. However, back to "the plan." Do we wait anyway? But, where will we be in Jan/Feb of 2010? Do we try? Is it going against God's will to try? What IS God's will in this situation? If we try not to get pregnant, is that going against God's will? How in the heck do we know what God's will is in this situation? Yet another stressor! I don't want to miscarry again, and I don't want to put us in a financial situation that we can't afford, especially in these financially unstable times. Peanut A worked out wonderfully because I would be giving birth in June, between semesters. If we got pregnant this month, I'd be giving birth in November, which wouldn't work out well. However, other factors have it weighing on my heart that I should try and get pregnant this month. How do we know what God's plan is? Would he allow us to get pregnant if it wasn't in his will? By us trying to get pregnant, are we going against his will? These are all questions that have been floating in my mind all day.

I have 2 classes to go after this semester. Theoretically I don't have to take them at KCU and could just transfer them in. If Carl doens't stay at KCU next semester, that's probably what I'll do. But it's just so hard! We received an email asking us about our plans for summer residency today and I just wanted to scream. "I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!"

First step, Husband needs to take his ACT again. He's signed up for it, I just don't know when he's supposed to take it. That, I guess, should be my main concern right now. I just don't know what to do about the pregnancy issue. Common sense and responsibility tell me that we shouldn't try for YEARS... but our hearts are aching for us to not listen to common sense.

Alright, there's my depressing, confused post of the day. I may try and write something more upbeat, like a movie review for My Best Friend's Girl later this evening... when I'm not reading the 60 pages I have due for World Religions tomorrow that is!


1 comment:

  1. God's testing you too huh? Well He is testing me too to have more faith and trust in Him 100%. I wish it wasn't so hard...

    I saw that you commented me on my crochet blog :) I really want to see your cowl... I want to make one for my cousins wife because she LOVES wearing scarves and I really want to make one... See I have a problem though---I want to do like 10 things at the same time and well I just have 2 hands :) LOL

    God bless you my friend,


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