Done.

Well, it's over.

I officially miscarried last night. Don't let anyone lie to you. Natural miscarriage is painful, very, very, painful.

I started cramping pretty badly around 3:30 PM. I'd been cramping on and off since Saturday, and all of the cramps were like really bad period cramps. I had Ars Nova rehearsal at 4:15, and although I muddled through it okay, I had to bend at the waist a lot, and sit occasionally. The cramps were getting progressively worse throughout the hour.

Now, for anyone who is squeamish. Don't read on. There will be details. You have been warned.

When Carl and I got home, I immediately went to the bathroom. There were a couple of clots in the toilet. I had taken 4 Ibuprofen at 4, so they had had plenty of time to kick in.... yet the cramps were the worst yet. I put my hot/cold pack in the microwave and opened the freezer to get out a frozen pizza. As I started to struggle with it, I felt myself passing more clots. I left the freezer open and asked Carl to put the pizza in the oven. I went back to the bathroom (my home away from home yesterday). There were a lot more clots in the bottom of the toilet that time. I managed to sit in my chair until I had eaten 2 pieces of pizza. Then another trip to the bathroom, and more clots. After about another 2 hours of this, I broke the rules and got in the bathtub. I had a little bit of clots, but not that much. I then took a shower. When I got out of the shower, I sat on the toilet AGAIN and were bleeding profusely....still mainly just clots. I yelled for Carl to get me some undies and a pad, which he did.

I sat on the couch for about another hour.... going to the bathroom a few more times. Carl had to leave for Feast dress rehearsal at 8:30, so then Sarah came over to babysit my uterus. The cramping was getting increasingly worse, and at 9 I called mom to make sure it was safe to take a Tylenol 3. She said it was, and I did. It didn't even cut the cramps. I sat on my chair(I can't sit on our couch, it kills my back), and hugged my heat pack.

Around 9:30, it began to get excruciating. I had to monitor my breathing so I wouldn't hyperventilate. I concentrated on breathing in and out, and the pain was bearable. Sometime between 9:30-9:50 (it was kind of a blur, I couldn't really look at the clock). I felt a pop inside of me. I was 99% sure I had passed the baby. After about15 minutes the cramps let up significantly. When they were tolerable, I got up and went to the bathroom.

Sure enough, I had. There was no way I could flush the toilet. You flush goldfish, not human beings... no matter how small that human being was. The baby was about the size of my ring fingernail. I had promised Dr. Ott (my chiropractor) that I would look at it, and I did. By 8w6d, it should have been fully formed (well, not fully, but all of its organs and stuff should have been in place). I'm pretty sure that all of its little organs were outside of its body, which is probably why I miscarried. That's why Dr. Ott wanted me to look, was to see if there were any noticeable deforms. I'm glad I looked. I could see it's little heart, and it's little eyes. It was hard... but I'm glad I did it.

I placed it in a Macy's earring box...which seems like a weird coffin, but it was really all I had. I think we're planning on burying it somewhere back home.

It was hard. It was painful. I continued to pass clots until I went to sleep around 1 am. So far, I've only passed miniscule ones today. Thankfully, I only had chapel and Feast today, so I called and got an excused absence for chapel and slept in. I'm going to go get Taco Bell or something for dinner and save myself from having to 'cook'. I normally love cooking, but I don't have the energy to cook, or to wash the dishes!

I feel better... I feel relieved. But... now my uterus is empty, my little bean is gone...and can't ever come back. It's hard. but, it's over.

Food, makeup, feast. Here I come!