Monday, February 7, 2011

Fear of failure or success?

Blair, from Heir to Blair, raised some excellent points in her McFatty Monday post today. It wasn't the traditional post, which I like. I love how she changes it up, and forces us all to really THINK about stuff.

I honestly don't know if I've lost anything or not. I don't believe that I have. Nothing is fitting better. I didn't do horrible this week, but again, I didn't do great. I went pop-free for numerous days, but caved on the weekend.

I'm currently working portion sizes. I have a bunch of those kids plates (You know? The ones with different characters on them?) and that's what I am eating my dinner off of every night. It's a smaller plate, so it forces me to eat smaller portion sizes. My goal is to eat a small plate of dinner every night, a bowl of cereal or oatmeal every morning, and veggies & dip or veggies & hummus (plus a small sandwhich or something of the like if I'm VERY hungry). Fruit or yogurt for an afternoon snack. Milk, juice and water for drinks. I'm not denying myself something if I crave it, I'm just modifying what I eat. Like... if I want a chocolate cupcake or something, I eat a piece of Dove dark chocolate. If I still want a cupcake? I wait a while and have another piece. I'm getting my chocolate fix in a 'better' way. If I want potato chips? I either get out about 5-10 chips or I fix some popcorn and use extra salt on it. It works fairly well.

I'm trying not to make excuses for myself, because I feel like that is how I got to the weight I am. Ignoring the situation and making excuses for myself. However, this was a hard week for me, and I'm wondering if my situation may have to do with me feeling so bloated STILL.

I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and have had it since I was oh, about 15. I have painful cysts with it that "burst" and cause, well, quite a bit of pain. It also throws my cycles into disarray. I haven't dealt with cysts in about three years, and I honestly didn't remember how my body processed them. On January 4th, I thought I might be getting a cyst... and I was right. I hadn't had a period since Dec. 12th. This past Wednesday I felt my cyst "explode". I've been in pain, running a low grade fever, and feeling like a balloon since that point. I had the most hormonal, emotional weekend I have had in...well, since I was pregnant with Keevia. I literally could not deal with my emotions. I had zero patience (even with my daughter). I cried over EVERYTHING and nothing at the same time. I was pissed off for no reason whatsoever. I was just miserable, with nothing MAKING me miserable. It. Was. Awful.

But!!!! I started my period today!!! Maybe my hormones will even out!!! I know that having PCOS makes it harder for me to lose weight, but I don't want to hang out on that assumption. I don't want to go "Oh, I have PCOS, I can't lose weight" and never fight. I want to FIGHT IT.

I'm afraid too... and I don't know what I'm afraid of. Afraid of change? For whatever reason, exercising is the most difficult part of weightloss for me. I struggle with willpower too, but exercise is really my Achilles hill. I sit around and THINK about it a lot, but I never actually DO it. I know I'm afraid of hurting myself. Not the aching muscles and the like, but of pulling something, or knocking a hip or my back out (don't laugh, it's happened), and not being able to take care of Keevia. I'm afraid of hurting my ankle that I cracked back in July. I'm afraid of a lot of things.

But mostly I'm afraid of staying this way. I'm afraid of looking at pictures of myself for the next whoknowshowlong and HATING myself in the pictures. Hating my double chin. Hating my arms. I have a gorgeous daughter. I want to be in pictures with her and not hate how I look.

I'm afraid of passing my bad eating habits on to my daughter. I'm afraid of passing my lazy habits on to her to. Unless she gets her Aunt Steph's metabolism, she is going to struggle with weight, and I hate that for her. But maybe if I instill this stuff early, it'll stick.

Although I'm afraid for myself, I'm more afraid for her... and I think that that is going to win out.


  1. You can totally do this - just keep going :) I think you're really working through stuff, which is KEY.

    Okay. This week we're going soda-free. Got it? You & me, baby. ::shakes on it::

  2. Girl, I hate that you have PCOS. But you seem like such a strong woman. I agree with Blair, you can totally do this.

    I'll join with you ladies and do without sodas all week.

  3. Hello from The Blog Frog..just checking out all those whom commented on my discussion at McKmama Community there and wow..what an absolutely awesome site you have here I must say!

    You have a gorgeous wedding dress by the way and look amazing...can't wait to wear one of those someday...not holding my breath.

    I feel it was meant to be that I happened to stop by..I have PCOS as well and diagnosed at age 13. It's truly more of a POS if you know what I mean!! lol!

    You're doing a great job and keep up the good work with all of the above. You seem like a strong young woman and have no reason not to get through anything that comes your way.

    Come visit me anytime to chat or check out my Blog as well.

    I'm also a proud Follower here and can't wait to hear how everything is going along with you.




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