Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Bold Blogging

Mckmama has stated that she's been lead to blog boldly. She even blogged today about another blogger who has felt led to join together bold bloggers. I feel that I blogged boldly throughout my miscarriage, but I failed miserable that boldly blogging through pregnancy (or blogging at all for that matter). I need to blog boldly about my mothering skills, being a wife, and my hopes, fears, thoughts and prayers. So, in an effort to do so, I present my first bold post.

I am unhappy.

But, in the same sense... I'm happier than I have ever been.

How does that make sense? Let me see if I can explain.

I am unhappy with my families current living situation. We aren't where we want to be. We rent an apartment for $395 dollars a month for 2 rooms and a tiny kitchen. We live in a college town, but neither my husband nor I attend that college (we moved there because he DID intend to attend the college, then life happened). We moved from a 2 bedroom apartment when it was just the two of us, to a 1 bedroom apartment now that there are THREE of us. Makes sense, no?

On top of the $395 a month we pay for rent, we also pay $30-50 for electric, $23 for water and $30 for internet (which was a necessity last semester as Carl had online classes). We also pay around $65-70 for Carl's cell phone bill.

I keep the heat on 70 when I'm at the apartment, even though it's a little chilly to me. Carl keeps it lower when Keevia and I aren't there. We are careful to unplug things and turn off lights in an effort to conserve our electric bill.

I spend an average of $40-50 a week on groceries. Sometimes as high as $70, sometimes as low as $30.

Carl only works part time. Our average pay check is $220 (well, it would be $276 but we have $56 taken out for health insurance for Carl and I. Keevia has it through the state, and as SOON as Carl goes full time she's coming on our insurance).

I don't have a clue how we're making it. Since Carl has had this job, I've been trying to tithe religiously (haha, kind of funny, no?). I write it out when I'm writing bills, just like I'm paying another bill. It's hard. It's hard to trust that the money will be there. It's hard to remember to be thankful every that it is.

We have been so, SO blessed. Keevia has more clothes than any baby could want for. I have only bought diapers a handful of times because of how many diapers we got through our church. I breastfeed, so I don't have to worry about buying formula. She has doting grandparents and other family members. I don't have to worry about her wanting a thing.

But I want. I want to be closer to home, to my parents. I want my daughter to grow up to know her grandparents like I grew up to know mine (we lived beside them). I HATE that we live an hour and a half away from my parents, and three hours away from Carl's parents. I. want. to. move. home. There. I said it.

But, I don't know if that is a viable option. Carl wants to transfer from our current town to Hazard, but we're unsure if he'll be able to. He NEEDS to go full-time so that we could have a slight bit more money. My parents have been able to help us financially, and while I'm more than grateful, I want us on our own two (four?) feet.

I want out of the big city where I don't feel confident going out with Keevia by myself, and back to a small town where I wouldn't have a problem with it (and have several times!). In my home town, I know almost everyone, or at least know SOMEONE everywhere we go. I could call on any number of people to come to my aid if I couldn't reach my mom. I would feel so much safer and more confident.

Where we are now, I don't feel safe and I don't feel comfortable. There is a third option, and one that is more agreeable. Carl actually works 30 minutes away from the town our apartment is in. If, by the time our lease is up in May, he hasn't been able to get on in Hazard, we could move in with my great-aunt who lives in the town Carl works in. This town is actually CLOSER to my parents (45 mins to an hour drive instead of an hour and a half), and I have family and family friends in it. It's also not a college town, so the residents are as psychotic.

This is a better option, but still not the one I really want. I am in no shape or form upset with my husband... in fact, I'm very proud of him. He gets up at 2-3 am every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and drives a half an hour to an hour to go to work to provide for his family. It's not his fault that he doesn't get better hours, and I know he would take any that they would give him. I know he's unhappy in our situation too.

I hate that we don't get to spend more time together. I miss him. I miss being close to him. It's wonderful when we're at our place together, but usually something comes up and I end up coming to my parents, or, due to no money for groceries, we stay at my parents a few days. Carl won't stay in my room with me and the baby because its a double bed instead of the queen we're used to, and he's afraid of hurting me or the baby. This leads to some serious husband withdrawal for me however.

I know that our situation is so much better than most. I know that there are a ton of families without work. I know that I have it good... but I'm unhappy with the situation and I don't need to hide that. I've been hiding it from my husband because I don't want to make him feel bad, or make him feel inadequate. I'm so, so thankful for him and for the work he does.

In the midst of all this unhappiness... I couldn't be happier. I was BORN to be a mother. I love every smile, every tear, every poop, every side eye, every snuggle, every nursing session, every single second of life with my daughter. I am so eternally thankful and grateful to both God above and my wonderful husband for giving me the greatest gift they ever could. She is so precious to me and is my everything (other than my hubby of course!). Even though I wish we had better living conditions, I don't REALLY care because I have her, and I have a roof to put over her head.

Did any of this make sense? It's late and I'm tired, but I had to get this off my chest tonight, as most of it was weighing heavily (probably because I need to balance the checkbook tomorrow and pay our water bill and Carl's cell phone bill...yikes)on me. Thank you for reading if you made it this far! Hopefully the next bold blog will be shorter, ha!

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