Giving it to God.

I'm going to be truthful. I am really, really struggling right now.

I want to be pregnant. BADLY want to be pregnant. Which is weird. Two months ago I BADLY didn't want to be pregnant. My baby was still a baby. I just strongly felt that I wasn't ready. Then it was like BAM and my baby hormones kicked in again.

Which is fine. But at that same time, I had a 54 day cycle. I'm currently like 37 days into a cycle right now. As soon as I get my period, I can start doing my basal temperature, but it's a waiting game to get my period.

And the hormones, oh my the hormones....Someone I know from high school posted a pregnancy announcement recently, and I was just overcome. I don't remember it being this bad after my miscarriage (although I'm sure it was worse, our hearts have a funny way of forgetting). Everyone it seems (I know not EVERYONE, but you know what I mean), seems to be pregnant, or to have just had a little bundle. I just don't understand the sudden RUSH of emotions.

So I'm trying to do what I need to do. I'm trying my hardest to hand it over to God. To say "Here. Your timing is perfect. You've shown us that already. Your timing in this would be phenomenal. I lay it in your hands."

It's hard y'all. It's very hard. All the what-ifs begin swirling in your head. "What if I can't get pregnant?" "What if Keevia is supposed to be an only child?" And those what-if's are scary when your dream is to be a mother, to have numerous children.

I really feel like this PCOS is kicking my butt right now. Before I had Keevia my cycles were pretty spot on, now they're 54 days??? We're almost completely weaned (she nurses like once a day), so I doubt that's it... I'd say it's the PCOS.

I'm trying to move forward. To take control of this disorder. To exercise. To diet right.

Lord, I lay it all in your hands. I lay the PCOS, the next pregnancy, the hopes and the fears. They're all yours. I know your timing is perfect. I know you have plans for us beyond our imagination, beyond our hope. I just pray that you open my eyes to your plan, and allow me to understand the steps you lead me on. I thank you for my beautiful daughter, my loving husband, and your Son, that you sacrificed for all of us. I thank you for the air we breath, and for the way you take care of us. I beg you to take care of this for me. It's in your holy name I pray.

Amen.